Wet Feet

"Horrified" doesn't even begin to cover it

Bristol Palin rightfully should be able to embrace her child in public as her own, with no shame, and no quarter. And a mother should be just as accepting.

Oh my GOD. What if it's TRUE??

I hope Bristol Palin tells the truth, if there is anything to tell.

I'd like to believe that this shit doesn't happen anymore. It's no secret that right-wingers like Palin would push us back to the days of secret births and maternity homes. At least now there is lip service paid to choice and respect, and this kind of brutal shaming is unusual.

Unusual. But still happening, apparently.

As if I needed another reason to violently distrust this woman. How could you do that to your own daughter?

Pregnant Teens

Look among the pregnancy books in your local bookstore, and imagine you are a pregnant teen. Everything is geared toward those women who get pregnant on purpose, or if it wasn't on purpose, it was not unwelcome. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, for you.

If you are a pregnant teen, the messages are in chorus: you are ruining your life and the life of your child.  This no choice you would want to visit upon yourself or anyone you love. This is a one-way ticket to poverty and hardship and life without possibility.

The sources that contradict this message are few. Girlmom and Ariel Gore will spill the secrets of teenage motherhood, how it can be a good thing, something to celebrate, something to revel in. A challenge that makes you a better person, that can actually help, rather than hinder, the achievement of your goals.

And now there's another resource. Hope, Joy and a few little thoughts by Rachel Brignoni not only dispels the myth that teenage motherhood will spell the end of yourself (she went on to earn her degree and work at a Fortune 100 company) but offers, as the title says, hope and joy to those in a crisis pregnancy.

Her message is a valuable one. "In an effort to decrease teenage pregnancy, most campaigns stress associated poverty, hardship and limited opportunities for success" she writes. "These messages are intended to prevent teenage pregnancy, but offer little hope for those who become pregnant."

Teenage pregnancies are as natural as rain, as the wind. There is no preventing them completely. It is irresponsible for us as a society to dismiss and shame teenage mothers. They can, and do, make good mothers, in this culture and in many others.

She goes on to write: "The lasting effect of these messages can weaken your power, so I encourage you to disregard them immediately...It is critical to let go of disparaging thoughts and find new hope that will result in love and support. these new messages will be vital in empowering yourself."

And she hits it exactly: when encountering a pregnant teenager, instead of thinking of the loving couple she can benefit by aborting her own motherhood, we should focus on enabling her own empowerment.

Needing support does not disqualify a woman from deserving her child. The most prepared and mature mothers still need support. Children cannot, and should not, be raised in a vaccuum. It may be trite, but it really does take a village. We can all be the village.

fever dreams

yesterday the little bug i thought was nothing blossomed into a night of sweat and fever for the three of us. naomi's headache got so bad she had blurry vision. her imaginary friend, tenna-coles, told her she might need glasses. in my fretting, i googled her symtoms. my first hit was a cdc page about biological warfare and what symtoms to look for in the event of an attack. yikes.

we are all feeling much better now thanks to a fresh dose of advil.

last night i had one of those dreams when i have illuminating, healing conversations with people who are unreachable in real life. this time is was with e's parents.

in the dream, they came over to my house and let their kids play with my kids and didn't treat me like the shit on the bottom of their shoes or the hand grenade that will blow their beautiful life to bits.

they talked to me like they did before i gave them my firstborn. we laughed. we joked. we were friends who could work through anything. i awoke with my guts churning with betrayal.

PSA

Go read Lilian's thoughts on feminism and motherhood. A quote:

"Has feminism summarily rejected motherhood? What are we to do, if, like Kateri argues, so many deep set beliefs "keep us from looking at the state of motherhood in the culture?" and not only that, but stigmatize young mothers to the point that they simply dismiss motherhood and suffer lifelong consequences..."

"It's just a MOVIE"

It amazes me that I am addressing something so basic, but judging from many of the comments to the Juno article, it has to be done.

The problem with what Juno portrays is that it's vintage adoption mythology straight from the "baby scoop era" that's been refashioned for a new generation. If there was any kind of counterpoint in mainstream culture it wouldn't be such a big deal. For most people, Juno just confirms eveything they already thought about relinquishment- that the pain is negligible and most often for the best.

If someone made a movie about teenagers and how smoking is so cool, you can bet they wouldn't be so dismissive of the effects of images in media. Isn't that why it's so controversial to have a beloved character smoke in a tv show or a film? Because the image might influence impressionable minds?

Mythology like Juno perpetuates our silence. As long as we are silent, people will think it's okay to solicit the babies of young, vulnerable women for people they know to adopt.

And they will consider it an insignificant problem, not worth ruining their enjoyment of a funny movie, until their daughter gets pregnant and her doctor, her friend's therapist, and the acquaintances with infertile friends tell her that the best thing for everyone would be to hand over their grandchild to strangers.

hate mail hangover

[ed. note: forgive the myspace syntax. i get lazy sometimes]

last week, when the hate mail was at its peak, i really wondered why the hell i'm doing what i'm doing. why do i continue to stand up for a group that no one cares about?

i never doubted my message. i stand by all my words. it's wasn't that i was doubting myself. it was that i got so fed up with the world, and how nobody cares. and how birthmothers are the expendable women, conservatives love to either saint us or villify us (god forbid we fall somewhere in between), and feminism has turned its back on us. science hasn't bothered to study us much, which is why the reporter had such touble supporting her argument. we're just not important enough to warrant any attention.

as i sit down rewriting query letters, i get stuck in the same place. why is this hypothetical book important? a few thousand women make this choice a year. who would anyone outside of adoption buy this book, why should anyone care?

i'm not sure what i'm trying to say, exactly. there's this missing piece, this leap i haven't made. it has something to do with the question- "why does Juno find motherhood so unappealing?" why did i, at the time? why is that the obvious, foregone conclusion? what's wrong with motherhood? i know all the answers: school! freedom! your own life! blah blah blah.

never mind all the women who had kids young and were more stable, more accomplished, more motivated, because they had a kid there to focus them. ariel gore comes to mind. and people i know in real life, women who had their kids as teenagers or slightly older and redefined the entire insitution of motherhood for themselves, eschewing the traditional family structure and getting what they needed by going against the cultural tide.

there is this underlying belief that the best mother is one who martyrs herself and kills her own dreams. this belief dogs mothers who did everything right, were never in a position to consider adoption. this is the belief that drives the placement choice of women in more precarious circumstances. what 16, or 19, or 22 year old would willingly kill her own dreams?

the assumtion of this belief as fact is what keeps us from looking at the state of motherhood in the culture. only the most rebellious can do what ariel gore did. motherhood is punishment for wayward teenage girls, and adoption is seen as a way to sidestep that.

motherhood doesn't have to be punitive. instead of reacting to pregnant teenagers by shaming them for having sex, kicking them out of school, firing them from their jobs, thinking of them as trashy and isolating them from their peers, withholding support and gifts that older mothers would get as a matter of course, why don't we accept them and celebrate them? what the hell is wrong with a teenage mother anyway that we have to make sure she has it as hard as posssible? nothing inherent, nothing that society hasn't imposed.

You shoot off at the mouth, I respond!

I knew when I was being interviewed for an article in the Chicago Tribune the public reaction would serve as a measure of how much of a dent we've made in the public consciousness.

What an irresponsible article. Why is anyone concerned about the birth mother's grief when the only thing that matters is that child's welfare. This is insinuating that girls not ready to be parents should keep their children to prevent them from being sad. How reprehensible. The birth mother's feelings are utterly insignificant compared with the need to give the child the best chance at life possible. If the mother has some grief, so be it. Better her grieve than a child living in poverty and misery.

This wasn't a choice between giving my kid a life of "poverty and misery" or a life of comfort and love and happiness. I had plenty of resources, I was young and creative and energetic. I was also terrified of motherhood and what that would mean for my own goals. Now that I've had my kids and I know the truth about motherhood, I can tell you that most of my terror was unfounded.

Was I "ready" to become a mother? I was more ready than I thought I was. But is anyone ever "ready" for the way your life changes when you become a parent? I was not ready for bithmotherhood, that's certain.

Which gets me to that other point, that my feelings on the subject are irrelevant because the only thing that matters is the kid. The thing is, the jury is stil out of what E feels about being adopted. I did a lot of work during my pregnancy to make sure to minimize her losses as much as possible. It should go without saying that I wish her nothing but happiness and wholeness. But why must that come at my expense?

The jury is also still out on whether the family I placed her in will give her the best chance at life possible. My definition of a successful life may differ wildly from theirs. Her genetic inheritance may clash with their ways of thinking. What if they just don't understand her? What if, even given my culturally-created limitations, I could have understood her better?

Why don't you use condoms or other birth control methods? Condoms with the pill are 99.99% effective, when used correctly. Or here is a new concept, if you are unsure if you are protected, don't have sex. Katie is correct in saying that the focus should be on the child, not on the mother.
Ultimately it is the mother's choice, regardless of pressure from outside sources. If you are adult enough to have sex, you are adult enough to be responsible for the choices you make should you get pregnant, whether it be an abortion or adoption.

This is my all-time favorite. I WAS on the pill, dipshit.

The real problem: people need to not percieve movies as reality. There are TONS of examples of movies that depict a happy ending for a situation which would probably end up with a legal or emtional mess in real life....Movies are not reality, they serve an alternate purpose. By going to a movie like Juno, a moviegoer can enter a happier verison of reality, which can often serve as a much needed break from actual reality. Is this really a bad thing?

the problem is, however, that they *do*. As much as they shouldn't. What they learned from "Juno" is all many people will ever know about adoption. Movies and pop culture influence us more than it should. Entertainment is not benign.

I, for one, am glad Juno is out there because it has stimulated discussion on this subject and illuminated the commonplace ignorance about adoption and its players. Discussion, learning, and knowledge are all good things.

There is a happy ending--for the children who are placed into loving homes with adoptive parents who can provide for them everything thier birth mothers could not.

Any adoptees care to take this one on? Is every adoptive home a loving, healthy one?

As of my last check, there are 12 comments on the article. I'll be back later if there are more doozies.

Juno and Beyond

Thanks, Cecily, for posting your thoughts on Juno.  And welcome to everyone who came here from that discussion.

After reading the post and the comments, I have a few things to say.

1. I'm glad a few people, like Cecily, could watch Juno and see that it's NOT FUCKING FUNNY. There were a few others, like the reviewer on NPR who said something like, "it was a comedic movie about a subject matter that deserved a much more serious look". Those understanding voices are few in the chorus of "lighten up! It's just a movie!" As for the people who say such things, privelege is rarely appreciated by those who have it. "Life is Beautiful" isn't heartwarming to people who actually experienced Nazi death camps. "Home Alone" isn't funny to people who were actually neglected as children.

2. Just because your husband's cousin's coworker is adopted and seems happy or even professes to not care at all about the people who brought him/her into the world, that's not proof that there is no such thing as a primal wound. There is plenty written about primal wounds, who has them, the validity of them, and everything else, in adoption literature. Just because you are acquainted with an adoptee doesn't make you an expert. And I would also venture to say that the adoptees and birthparents doing most of the suffering are the ones who don't feel comfortable sharing their feelings with people like you.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. We, as outsiders, don't have the right to tell adoptees how to feel about their adoptions. If they're fine with it, great. If they say they're fine because they don't want to share deeper feelings with you, that's also great. If they say they're fine because the feelings are vague and complex yet not debilitating or life-altering, that's great too. And it's not great if they feel like adoption has damaged their wholeness to the point where they'll never be happy, but it's their right to feel that way. Plenty do, and for them the primal wound theory makes sense in ways that nothing else has. And by flippantly saying "blah blah doesn't feel a thing so the whole theory is crap" you are taking something from them. And that's just ignorant and small of you. Not to mention insenstitive and mean.

3. I am not anti adoption. Neither is Dawn or anyone else mentioned in the post or the comments. Adoption reform has been outlined clearly and concisely in many places on the web. It's a necessary institution with draconian and inhumane processes that should be updated and reformed. To criticize the way adoption is carried out is not attacking adoption itself.

4. To address a spcific commenter, Liana, who said:

"a) a firstmother makes an adoption plan, goes through with the adoption and feels that this was a good decision for her.

b) an adopted child does not have a "primal wound" and is raised happy and healthy.

and c) an adoptive mother can stop feeling guilty for loving the daughter that was entrusted to her by her firstmother.Can't adoption just ever work without Kateri's PTSD and Dawn's Primal Wound? Can't things ever just work?"

Sure, it "works", most of the time. Mine "works" for the most part. People are resilient. For most of the year, by looking at me, you wouldn't know that I carry this loss with me. E is, by all accounts, a happy, well cared for child. I suspect most adoptees are the same. But this commenter wants to flatten every complexity out of adoption, she wants the fairy tale happy birthmother and uncomplicated adoptee, so she can move on with her life without feeling "guilty".

Another thing I've said before, and I'll say again. A birthmother who's always happy with her choice is about as common as an infertile who accidentally gets knocked up on a vacation to Italy. Everybody thinks it's more common than it is, and the myth infuriates the real people behind it.

I can't tell you how to do adoption so you don't hurt anybody. I think when you adopt, you have to accept that it's a crapshoot and no matter how much you love your child and how sensitive you are to the first family's feelings, they might all end up hating you and blaming you. Adoption is not the same as having biological children, it involves many more people and much more complexity because of the losses inherent in the process. A child cannot be adopted without also having been relinquished. And every person in the triad is entitled to grieve what has been lost.

I'm Back

Dude, where the hell have I BEEN?

1. As long-term readers of this blog know, Jan 6 is E's birthday. This year I made her a scarf, and it's so yummy i want to keep it. It is a seeded rib, which means one row of k3 p3, and one row of k1 p1. Easy, fast, and not too boring.

This year I am including a note that something to the effect of "I'd like to know you better, just so I know what toto knit for you next year". Creaking that door open inch by inch, year by year. I figure I've already lost The Dream. Better work on something real.

This birthday wasn't as bad as last year, but it was still a whopper. This loss is on a cellular level and I have to let my body do what it needs to do. I slept a lot. I cried some. I consoled myself with the thought that with some authentic effort from me, she might learn to love me someday, and we'll have a relationship. I allowed myself to imagine myself with her, which is, believe it or not, not a place I've ever let myself go before. It felt good. It made me smile.

2. I saw Juno with Jul on Saturday. Let me tell you, it was excruciating. Juno believed everything I believed when I was placing, before I knew better. The movie was rife with stereotypes, bad ethics, and common ignorance. Interesting soundtrack, but it wasn't enough to cover up the fact that the lighthearted audience was laughing at things that made me die inside. I think I ruined the movie for the woman sitting next to me. And you know what? I'm glad. I hope she learned something.

3. And, for old times sake, since we've just passed my 3rd blogiversary, my first post to Wet Feet. Ah, naive Kateri. Will you get a troll? Oh yes, you will. But it will all be fine. I promise.

And here's another find, something I'd forgotten that i wrote about the difference it made to be a birthmother in those first months after Naomi was born. I skated through the PPD danger zone on relief and gratitude.

4. Philly area disorganized people: my neighbor Rachael owns Hope and Space, and will help you put all your shit together. If you have any organization needs at all, call her. She is an awesome single mother and a dear friend. And if she could help me get my shit together, she can help anyone. I'll be plugging her again. And again. And then maybe another time. I love her that much.

silence: broken

plenty of reasons for silence, folks. moving on...

has anyone heard anything abou the movie coming out soon, juno? the pregnant indie girl who considers placing her child for adoption? is this honest? sympathetic? or "adoption: not just for crack whores and christians anymore?"

because, inquiring minds want to know. how many koolaid moments are in this movie? how many tired sterotypes? do i need to start writing letters now?

i will be seeing this movie. alone. taking notes.

i'd also like to take this moment to welcome the folks who came here after seeing jul's most recent post about how much last winter sucked for both of us.

and, due to some shit, i won't be posting much here. every once in a while. i'll pick up the habit again, but right now i don't want to force things or put too much out there where just anyone can read it. if you want to keep up with what i'm doing, join myspace and friend me. i swear, myspace won't bite you. i blog there almost every day, i punctuate with abandon and never capitalize. i post goofy long winded bulletins. i feature songs laden with meaning or sparking with meanlinglessness. it's fun.