Back to the Start

I started this blog to write about my experience of open adoption. It could still have been defined as open at the time although it had already disappointed my own expectations of what "openness" meant. And after that devastating letter six years ago, and the aftermath that followed, it would be better described as a closed adoption. 

Gradually those feelings and that pain shrank into the corners of my mind. The drama of Miriam's birth, the subsequent disintegration of my marriage, and my own post-divorce rumspringa  took up all of my emotional resources. And now, I hardly think of E at all. I have moved far enough away from the pain of her loss that I have to do some quick math in my head to remember how old she is (13 on Thursday). By some people's definition this would make me a success story. I have enjoyed a few years of peace. I have taken a vacation from the pain. This is the luxury a closed adoption can afford. 

Events of this past year, while having absolutely nothing to do with her, have made me revisit the lessons open adoption taught me. "I am leaning toward letting the door close. I have my own mental health to think of. I don't want to be bent into shapes that fit around their insecurities, I don't want that responsibility on my shoulders anymore." Reopening that wound led to the irritation of other wounds. Her age, also, makes me wonder whether now might be a time when she needs her first mother. And for the first time in three years, I'm considering contacting her. Nothing intrusive, just a birthday card. Something to tell her, yes, I'm still here. I'm still listening. I haven't forgotten.

Comments

[ALH]

I am an adoptive mother in a fairly open adoption -- we live in different states, and my (our) daughter is only 2, but I keep the connection as open as possible. It fluctuates on both sides for a variety of reasons but, no matter what, I want my daughter to GET IT that her first mother loves her and cares about her life and her future. It's the truth, and she should know it.

To that end, I say send the card. I hope she receives it -- 13 is a big birthday! -- and I especially hope that the adults in her life are mature enough to handle it.

[ALH]

Oops! And, I'm an idiot, because I just noticed this post is from January. Sorry! I haven't been checking in since you stopped blogging for a while and stopped by today and got all excited and did not look at the dates. Did I mention I have a toddler...? Who makes me very tired and dumb...?

[Chaz Elban]

Thanks so much for sharing - I enjoyed perusing your posts.

Chaz

http://www.adoptioniguide.com

[writing jobs]

it's okay to start from scratch it is okay for us to be molded and better.