I'm Back

Dude, where the hell have I BEEN?

1. As long-term readers of this blog know, Jan 6 is E's birthday. This year I made her a scarf, and it's so yummy i want to keep it. It is a seeded rib, which means one row of k3 p3, and one row of k1 p1. Easy, fast, and not too boring.

This year I am including a note that something to the effect of "I'd like to know you better, just so I know what toto knit for you next year". Creaking that door open inch by inch, year by year. I figure I've already lost The Dream. Better work on something real.

This birthday wasn't as bad as last year, but it was still a whopper. This loss is on a cellular level and I have to let my body do what it needs to do. I slept a lot. I cried some. I consoled myself with the thought that with some authentic effort from me, she might learn to love me someday, and we'll have a relationship. I allowed myself to imagine myself with her, which is, believe it or not, not a place I've ever let myself go before. It felt good. It made me smile.

2. I saw Juno with Jul on Saturday. Let me tell you, it was excruciating. Juno believed everything I believed when I was placing, before I knew better. The movie was rife with stereotypes, bad ethics, and common ignorance. Interesting soundtrack, but it wasn't enough to cover up the fact that the lighthearted audience was laughing at things that made me die inside. I think I ruined the movie for the woman sitting next to me. And you know what? I'm glad. I hope she learned something.

3. And, for old times sake, since we've just passed my 3rd blogiversary, my first post to Wet Feet. Ah, naive Kateri. Will you get a troll? Oh yes, you will. But it will all be fine. I promise.

And here's another find, something I'd forgotten that i wrote about the difference it made to be a birthmother in those first months after Naomi was born. I skated through the PPD danger zone on relief and gratitude.

4. Philly area disorganized people: my neighbor Rachael owns Hope and Space, and will help you put all your shit together. If you have any organization needs at all, call her. She is an awesome single mother and a dear friend. And if she could help me get my shit together, she can help anyone. I'll be plugging her again. And again. And then maybe another time. I love her that much.

Comments

[Lisa V]

Woo hoo! A post from you! Glad you made it through E's day.

I saw Juno too and wrote a whole big raving review on the blog and basically had a lot of people tell me I was crazy. However, I had an amom and an adoptee totally agree.

I think if you are outside adoption you may not get it. And that is the problem. It further perpetuates tons of ethical problems with adoption.

[Pascha]

Hey, you recently added me as a friend on your myspace. Thanks for that, by the way. I discovered your blog through Jul's, but only started reading through the archives yesterday. I'm some where in the summer of 2005, when you had recently found out you were pregnant.

I don't think I have ever felt so much emotion reading someone's blog. I know that may sound trite, and I don't mean it to...it's just that so few people allow themselves to be really free about what they write about, and you aren't afraid to put your raw emotions on this page.

I'm home sick today, so I hope to make a further dent in your archives. I know we don't know each other, but you've been in my thoughts lately, and I hope your note to E finds a place in her heart.

[jesspond]

Oy. I want to see Juno, but....I worried that everything you said it was it would be. It LOOKS funny and cute...but even that it LOOKS funny and cute is worrisome. Funny and cute are not usually words I describe adoption with. Other than to describe Ava as those things, lol.

I'm glad you made it through E's birthday. Reading your post makes me worry that Ava's birthmom feels/will feel the same way. But it also makes me more determined than ever to keep contact going strong. I hope that someday (soon, someday SOON) you can have more contact with E.

I don't want to sound stupid, because our situations are not the same (in fact, they're opposites in many ways) but your post about motherhood was a lot the same for me. I spent much of my life succeeding, but getting pregnant didn't happen (well, in the end it did) so when we finally did bring our babies home, I was thankful for even sleepless nights because it meant I was finally a mom. Your take mae me see why so many moms complain so much about stuff I feel like doesn't matter!

Good to hear from you!

[Lilian]

I thought of you a lot in the past few days and I'm glad to know this day was not that bad. I'm also kind of "relieved" that you didn't like Juno. I have yet to read Lisa's review, but I was quite surprised to read in Dawn's blog that Jessica (Madison's b-mom) liked it. Well, I guess that maybe only someone in the best possible open adoption scenario might not find it overly problematic.

Happy Blogiversary!! Wait a minute, is it just the third? did you really started blogger AFTER I did? Wow. Well, I've missed you, here and in person. Maybe I could drive to CC during morning rush hour tomorrow to see you guys again... If I only weren't so lazy... and went to sleep early. Well, maybe I can go. I have to bring something to a former neighbor of mine anyway. I'll think about it. Will you let me know if there's NOT a meeting?

[Munchkin's Mom]

Die inside, eh? Yeah, no desire to see Juno at all now. I'm already confused enough.

Btw, I got your e-mail awhile ago. And I can't find the words to describe how I am at all. Hence the lack of reply.

I wish I could knit!

Happy birth-day to you, a day late.

[Sadie]

Hi, Kateri---

I'm trying to find a way to say "congratulations on the anniversary of the birth of your first beautiful daughter."-- because whatever else happened that was wrong and drenched in sorrow and grief... you brought a beautiful human being into this world, and I predict that one day she'll find as much a gift in you as you do(and will) in her. hmm... after much typing and deleting, maybe that's it.

Also, congratulations on the anniversary of becoming a mother(again, maybe congratulations isn't the right word, but--- "allow me to recognize and honor this change" in you is what I mean)

As stated so eloquently in your linked post, I have a similar experience with motherhood, with describing it and feeling paranoid that maybe I'm not the right resource. Because beyond the usual "no pregnancy or birth connection" I became a mother with only ten days notice due to my daugher's emergency circumstances and serious medical issues.

People continually marvel at the fact we were able to do that, the ease with which my husband and I "fell into" parenting her, which frankly,was as natural to us as breathing. They were and are still incredulous that we could do this AND HADN'T HAD A PROPER BABY SHOWER.

"But," they'd say, awed, "you didn't even have any stuff!"

Well, no. Not the crib, the diapers, the chic stroller, the million and one gadgets, the matchy-matchy outfits. We had nothing. But compared to most people with the most decked-out of designer nurseries and nine months of obsessing, we had something different, something more.

I'd had a lot of pregnancy loss-- bloody and deadening. We breathed grief like air. And it had changed us. In the end, I realized that we fell into parenting A. so easily because in a sense we'd already become parents. Those losses had been about treasuring something incredibly special, about recognizing the fragility of life, about the burning craziness to do anything to protect the vulnerable entrusted to you, about how insignificant and laughable the whole consumer laden baby industry myth is, next to the true nit and grit of parental love.

People couldn't believe how blissed out we were on no sleep. It made me realize how little they knew of the depth of our original loss, which was exactly what had prepared us to be here. "Well," we thought. "We can be awake in the middle of the night because we're crying or we can be awake because we have a crying baby."

She was the sweetness, the beauty, the reward... after the awfulness of war. I get that.

I mean, it wasn't all sweetness and light-- there are some very rich and dark places in motherhood. But what the hell-- I'd already met some of those aspects, so while they rocked me to my core as they do most mothers, they didn't surprise or shock me.

And interestingly enough, many of my friends have expressed envy over just how much pleasure we get from her. And it's because we never, not for a single second, take her for granted.

Anyway--- thank you for that one.

[Sadie]

Good lord. You do inspire me to write essays. Apologies. :)

[Lilian]

And thanks for your "essay" Sadie, it's beautiful! It makes me wish you had a blog too... :)

[Poor_Statue]

Yesterday, I asked a group of my students if there were any good movies out because every January I make two trips to the theater with my niece and nephew for their birthdays.

Every one of the girls told me to go see Juno. It's getting rave reviews. It bothers me because people like it because it is light and funny sassy not because it touched them or they learned something from it.

With my face firm, I just said that I would not see Juno, and asked for other suggestions.

Let's hope my niece doesn't request it as her birthday movie. I want no part of it.

[Poor_Statue]

Yesterday, I asked a group of my students if there were any good movies out because every January I make two trips to the theater with my niece and nephew for their birthdays.

Every one of the girls told me to go see Juno. It's getting rave reviews. It bothers me because people like it because it is light and funny sassy not because it touched them or they learned something from it.

With my face firm, I just said that I would not see Juno, and asked for other suggestions.

Let's hope my niece doesn't request it as her birthday movie. I want no part of it.