have some more kool-aid, honey. this won't hurt a bit.

Jenna and Nic have both posted about the first year after relinquishment. I have to agree: the first year was a breeze, in comparison to the years that followed. After the postpartum fog lifted, there was hope. Things were going well in the adoption, I had a good job and was going back to school, I was planning to move far away with someone I loved very much. I was going to get it together! I was going to make it worth it!

Everything seemed exactly as it should be. I had cheated grief, and would continue to cheat grief for another year or so.

When a birthmother just a few years out from relinquishment starts singing the praises of adoption, I just can't take her seriously. I know that's elitist of me, to discount the experiences of someone because they haven't yet served enough time, but I remember being that girl all too well.

And these are the women, by the way, who do most of the work with adoption agencies telling pregnant mothers that adoption isn't so bad.

Comments

[anon]

I think, sometimes, the same thing can be true post-abortion.

Now,don't get me wrong, I'm totally pro-choice - but I had an abortion for some of the same reasons that I think you gave your baby up (lack of self-confidence, not ideal circumstances, it was the "right" thing to do... and I didn't believe I deserved to be a mother, or at least it scared the sh*t out of me, as much as I was also really, really sad and ambivalent about the procedure).

In those first months and years you really have a lot invested in believing that you did the right thing, and that everything will work out.

[paragraphein]

"When a birthmother just a few years out from relinquishment starts singing the praises of adoption, I just can't take her seriously. I know that's elitist of me, to discount the experiences of someone because they haven't yet served enough time, but I remember being that girl all too well."

Oh, me too. I just swallow very hard and try not to say anything when this happens.

These are also usually the women who speak at info/training nights for prospective adoptive parents.

[Wasabi]

Oh god I so agree. A friend of mine has another friend who is a birthmom but she only placed a few years ago. To him she is just fine. I've told him she may or may not be just fine but even so being just fine now doesn't mean that she'll be just fine later. It's a process. And I was "just fine" all through college if just fine means making straight As while getting myself into all kinds of bad bad situations.

[Jenna]

Hey, thanks for admitting to this:

When a birthmother just a few years out from relinquishment starts singing the praises of adoption, I just can't take her seriously. I know that's elitist of me, to discount the experiences of someone because they haven't yet served enough time, but I remember being that girl all too well.

I feel like a snit every time I think to myself, "Oh honey, just wait." I feel mean and nasty and... bitter. But, I was that girl. God, everyone KNOWS that I was that girl. Even those that don't have total regret over their decision to place find things, over the years, that they miss or feel x-emotion about. It's not all rainbows and butterflies and I don't have patience for being told that it should be by others.

Postsforminginmyhead.