When do you know it's time to go?

I remember pondering this question in the earliest days of our marriage. I remember going to the dreaded Relationship section of Borders and scanning the titles for a book that would answer that question.

In my experience, people who initiate divorce have been pondering that question seriously for a year or more. I know I did.  So when trigger time actually comes, bearing the weight of being the one to finally end it seems like nothing compared to the burden of staying in an empty relationship.

I knew I had to be ready for no one to understand. I had to be the bad guy. And I had to be okay with that before going ahead. To be the instigator means to be the one to shoulder the blame.

Wise people will know that there's always more to a marriage that anyone can see from the outside. They will nod knowingly at your vague explanations ("it just wasn't working"), and they will know that there's so much you can't say, or explain, or even understand about why you ended your marriage.

But not everyone is wise. Most people press for an easy answer ("maybe he cheated on her!"). People would like to believe that marriages end for concrete, understandable reasons. People like to believe they can learn from your mistakes and make their own relationship divorce-proof. People would like to  believe that if they do things right, they won't have to see the love they built their life upon disintegrate like a cheap bridesmaid's dress.

Even now, I don't have an easy answer as to why our marriage ended, why it ended when it did, or when the point of no return was truly reached.

What I know, is that when it was time to go, there was no other way. "I'm done, I'm just done", I said to a friend across a cafe table, holding a sleeping newborn Miriam on my lap. At the time I had no idea how this would all work. I knew I had no money of my own, no job prospects, no safety net other than the people who love me.

I knew I was done when I thought of another five years with him and felt a sick feeling in my heart and an oppressive weight settle over my mind. I knew I was done when I heard the lyrics to an REM song and started to sob: "I'd rather chew my leg off than get trapped in this"

The short answer to the question is you know it's time to go when there is no more question.

Bittersweet Me- REM

I move across, innocence lost
All flashing pulsar
I move across the earth in my new pattern shirt
I pass satellites

"You're so bitter," your complaint
I can't give you anything
I don't know who you're livin' for
I don't know who you are anymore

I'd sooner chew my leg off,
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me

I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore

I move across, candy floss
I move like a tank
I move across the room
With a heart full of gloom,
Stronger than you think

Oh my peer,
Your veneer is wearing thin and cracking
The surface informs that underneath,
Underneath is lacking

You move across, innocence lost,
All static and desire,
You're blue in the face from navel gaze,
You set yourself on fire

You strip down and lay yourself out,
I know you can't fake it,
But are you tired and naked?
Are you tired and naked?

Comments

[barb]

"I knew I was done when I thought of another five years with him and felt a sick feeling in my heart and an oppressive weight settle over my mind."

wooh. can i relate. i became physically ill for months, and then i knew it was time to go.

i know my ex-h's friends and family were all "see, we told you she was trouble" when they found out. i suppose it felt good to be right.

i know it did for me, when the dust settled.

[Casey]

"The short answer to the question is you know it's time to go when there is no more question."

Thank you for this.

[melissa b.]

Just. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.

[Wandering Coyote]

I can totally relate to everything you wrote here. Thank you for this post; it was so reaffirming.

[Jennifer]

We were married for eleven years when I didn't think I could take another single day. I couldn't even look at his face anymore without being disgusted. We were so far apart...

It wasn't REM for me, it was Coyote Ugly. That line resonated in my head constantly. I felt like the desperate coyote. I thought I would never be happy again, as if the Jennifer had been sucked out of me. I was this...someone. I didn't know WHO I was, but I wasn't ME anymore. I was tired of living in that shell of a person.

I told him I was going. I moved to my grandparents while I started looking for a place. I traded my vehicle so I could get one in my name. I opened a new bank account. I begged for a raise at work and got one. I put in an application and put down a hold fee for an apartment. I bought a laptop. I bought a sofa and chair so I'd at least have two pieces of furniture.

My husband finally opened his eyes. He begged me to talk. I was skeptical, but I agreed. I went back to the "table." This time he listened. For the first time in 11 years, he listened. He took me seriously, treated me as an equal. Something changed that night. Since those very emotional, very deep conversations, my husband and I have been more connected than I can explain.

Elizabeth just turned nine months old. If I thought things got good after that, I had no idea. We celebrate 13 years on the 21st.

I didn't mean to turn your post sunny, that wasn't my intention when I started writing my comment. I understood your feeling. I guess what I'm saying is I'm very, very, very lucky. Blessed. Not all of us get the second chance. I know this split has to have been very hard, and very painful for you. My thoughts are with you today.

[Stacy]

I've been struggling with this for months. I keep thinking there will be a sound, you know, like I'll hear something snap and I'll know it will be my marriage and it's over. Waiting for a billboard or something. Yet there are moments when I see glimpses of the past and the could-be future...

[anon]

There is no one thing, IME. It's just the gradual knowing in your bones that you can do whatever it takes (and yes, I thought of it as chewing off my foot to get out of a trap) to be free. Thinking about being with him in another year and sobbing. Realizing how each minute more with him is a minute you don't get to be your true self.

And then you tell him...

Thanks for this post, Kate.

[Mommela]

I'm grateful for you in that you had the self-hood left to leave a dead marriage. By the time my first ended, there wasn't any me anymore, and I didn't have the strangth to leave. He eventually did, and I'm indebted to him for leaving.

[blue milk]

I really like the turn your posts have taken. I also like your music taste. Keep writing.

[~Roni~]

I sit here, the day I am going to leave, searching for a sign that this is the right thing to do. I live in a loveless relationship with a man that comes home and passes me by without a word or a smile. I make the choice to not live like this any longer. Thank you for your words.