She is Everywhere and Nowhere

There is a vacuum where E should be.

Her pictures are all over the house. There is a pack of Dis*ney vacation pictures that were in a drawer in the bedroom until the kids got into them. Now they are strewn among the mess in the bed. The baby loves them. I wake up between my girls in the morning with Miriam holding a picture of the missing girl, E's is often the first face I see when I open my eyes, smiling back at me from the life I bestowed when I thought I wasn't good enough for her.

Less than a month from her birthday I am feeling the familiar tightness in my chest, the tension that is building, building, up to the crecendo of sadness and regret, peaking in the cold stillness of January.

I don't know what to give her for her birthday. What does she like? What does she want? What will she treasure? I don't know. I don't know.

What do you give the 9 year old you don't know, who holds a piece of your soul?

Comments

[Jo in Utah]

You have already given it to her, and she holds it lightly and takes it for granted and that is part of the gift. You gave her life.

[barb]

"What does she like? What does she want? What will she treasure? I don't know. I don't know."

reading my mind again?

i'll have the server bring some cocktails to The Table

[libby]

Oh Kateri, such beautiful writing for such a sad situation. FWIW, my 9 year old is totally into crafty things right now. Her bead set and make your own greeting card kit are big hits.

[Kateri]

That's actually along the lines of what I was thinking of giving her. something for her to make stuff. i've heard rumors that she's artsy and creative ;)

[Manuela]

Siiigh... I'm so sorry, Kateri. So unbelievably sorry.

[Manuela]

You know... this post is haunting me... and an incredible example of precisely what my current blog post is about.

I wish there were something I could DO...

[Lilian]

I know, I feel like Manuela. Now that I know you, I feel sad every January, really sad and heartbroken for you. Just reading your post and thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I think Jo in Utah is right -- you gave her the greatest gift, life.

[Jody]

I was just thinking about you and E, wondering how you were doing, knowing her birthday is around the corner.

I think the craft option cannot go wrong.

I would guess whatever letters you're writing to her and not being able to send, all the stuff her a-mom won't tell her, will be the best delayed birthday gift you give her, someday when you can make contact and be honest with her at least.

You're in my thoughts.

[Nicole]

(((Kateri)))

[Em]

Kateri, I've just discovered your blog and your post is so touching. It is heavy, heavy stuff.