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Tuesday, September 05, 2006



Do you find yourself still being different with your two girls? Are you still more worried about N when you are away from her than you are M?

I find myself in a similar situation -- dove into AP headfirst, didn't even go on a date with my hubby until she was 1 and NEVER left her at bedtime (she wouldn't take to a bottle and I gave up.) When she was just 7 weeks old, I handed her to my MIL and turned to walk away and she SHRIEKED like she'd been pinched. She wouldn't let me put her down the entire day. At SEVEN weeks.

My younger is way different and sounds much like M.

I find myself worrying more about my older when I'm away from them, is she scared, does she need me? And though I fret about my younger, it's not as much.

I hear this a lot with other moms, "My older is quiet, reserved, dependant, but the baby is happy go lucky!" I wonder how much of it really is us and not them. Interesting.


Regarding dependence, I think that most children under a certain age prefer their mothers to anyone else. And I think that can be very affirming, for many reasons. I know it has been for me. But I also think that most children are flexible enough to adapt- Jamie thrives at dc, for example. It's just like bfing, to use a timely example- it doesn't have to be all or nothing at either end of the continuum. What worked for you and Naomi isn't neccessary the magic formula (ha) for you and Miriam. The children are different and the mother is different. I think what is important is your babies are getting what they need, and I don't think you have anything to worry about there.

This whole Ap thing, I don't know. MD and I naturally fell into AP, even though we talked about sleep training and when we were going to do it, yada yada yada. It felt right to us and it still does. But AP isn't a laundry list IMO, it's a way of thinking and approaching parenting that may look different for different folks. And I think conforming to some particular mode of parenting is ridiculous, whether it's Ezzo or Sears. Again, there are no absolutes.


I think they just come out different. Ask anyone with twins. Sure, we affect them, but I don't think we fundamentally change them.




You know, when I got home from that party, I found a relatively happy (though desperately tired and still awake) baby, and a husband whose back problem had become severely worsened. Which was pretty much what I expected.A little physical therapy, and then no (permanent) harm, no foul.

I second DoctorMama's emotion: they come out that way, we don't really change their essence. We can, though, exacerbate or assuage. I think AP philosophy at its best accounts for the need for varying styles of attachment.

Maybe. Kinda. I don't know, man, I only have the one kid. That oxygen-mask metaphor occurs to me on a daily basis, though.


Whoa, I think I'm hitting that second-year burnout! The other night my 15-month-old, who slept relatively well and adapted to all kinds of crazy day-to-day changes on our recent trip to Europe, wanted to acrobatically nurse and/or cling to me for dear life ALL NIGHT and I just could not handle it. I woke up my husband and handed her to him and said in an unkind voice, "it's your turn". And I ignored my daughter's absolutely anguished screams as he groggily tried to comfort her when all she wanted was mama mama mama.
I'm not questioning the essence of AP which to me is: respect your baby, listen to them, meet their needs even if it's difficult, BUT...I fear I have definitely injected anxiety into situations where anxiety was not called for, that I have underestimated my daughter's adaptability, that I have gone overboard.
It's my way. I know things will be different for #2, but I guess I never figured that almost 16 months into this mothering thing I would feel guilty for spending TOO much time with my baby.


Can I just say, too, at the risk of sounding like a sycophant: I'm not a blogger (well, not like y'all; I update my blog about once every 3 months) but I totally wish I was in your part of the country...I would start blogging "for real" just to be able to go to these cool parties! I haven't been out on a date with my hubby YET and my child is a toddler. But I don't really want a date with hubby...I want to go hang out with witty, wisecracking, literarily-inclined and internet-addicted fellow mommies like you all!
Let me know if any of you come through San Diego and want to meet up for coffee.
(gee, I sound so pathetic...oh well...)


oh lady, this post could not have come at a better time.
we were home (6 hour time difference) with Silas last week, and cranky tired baby was super clingy. But even as we all got adjusted, he was much less independent than his 1 month younger cousin. And man, did I hear about it. "He'll never learn to walk if you are always carrying him around." "He's such a Mama's boy."
All together, spells self doubt for how I'm raising him, how my attitude about leaving him affect him, etc.
So thanks for giving me another data point to ponder.


I guess I'm lucky that at least since I don't have a boy I don't hear about "momma's boy." I do tend to think it's more about individual differences. My oldest sure liked me a lot better which is I think only natural since I was nursing but she got along with Dh pretty well especially from say 8 months on. Now she never spent a night away from me (2.5 years old) until the night I was in the hospital after having my youngest but that was just a personal choice on my part as well as the fact that we live far enough from family that an opportunity hadn't really presented itself. Dh took over bedtime routines during my pregnancy and even before that he had put her to bed. Maybe it was because he was bonded with the older one that he hasn't really put himself out to do much with the baby. At pretty much every stage with Abby he has insisted I didn't leave him with Claire at that age which is true. I left him with Claire much early. Ha! Now when I leave I am more reluctant to leave Abby because I know she will probably cry and be upset. I don't worry about Claire because I know she will have a good time. So for me at least I think that it has to do with their age and needs rather than making them dependent. Claire is super independent. On the other hand I had a super AP friend whose little girl was just the clingiest little thing you've ever seen. My friend did all the same things I did (now she was anxious so maybe that was it I don't know) but with a very different result. I assume that's just a difference in temperment. Blah blah blah at the end of the day you have to do what you have to do. You're making this transition and if it makes more sense for her to have formula while she's there then that's what makes more sense. I don't think you have to hand in your AP card just yet.

PS I have a blog now if you'd like to check it out.


"I do not have an infinite wellspring from which to give."

I've just recently realized this is both true and ok.

Thanks for sharing.

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