Wet Feet

Final Question Roundup

Meira asked:  "Well, you know the internets are always interested in sordid marital details. But I imagine that if you wanted to get into that, you'd have done so already. ;o)

So I will ask: What are you knitting right now? Do you anticipate catching the log cabin bug? (I caught it bad, lol)"

I don't mind sharing sordid marital details, but not here. We'll have to meet in person. I want to protect Josh's privacy, but sometimes things slip out in the comments ;)

I am knitting soakers, as usual. I am working on a hot stripey one right now. I have started no less than three, and finished one. That one did not shrink one little bit when I tried to felt it, so it fits Naomi better than it fits Miriam.

I don't know what log cabin is. But if I did, I would surely be addicted, because that's the way I am.

Jayne asked: "What do you think of Mommy Brain? I see it on your reading list."

The message of Mommy Brain is a comforting one: when we become mothers our brains rewire, get more flexible, increase capacity. We feel like we've lost braincells ebcause we are processing so much more information than we ever have before (think about Sleep Math, x amount of morning nap + y amount of afternoon nap and then don't forget the excercise or lack thereof, and how much protein vs how much sugar, how much nursing, how restless the night before was, all this goes into figuring out how much time you have at night after they go down to bed, and how easily they go down, and whether you can plan to go out or not.) Then, when the capacity-challenging phase of early childhood is over, we get to keep all this extra development and efficiency.

I wondered the entire time I was reading it how my brain was affected by giving up a baby. I wrote a little about it at the time.

I didn't finish the book, though. It's a bit dry. Still very worth reading.

Elizabeth says:

I lived in West LA for nearly three years. We lived a five minute walk away from a Whole Foods, Starbucks and homeopathic pharmacy, and I drove there EVERY SINGLE TIME.

For the last year or so we had one car. I worked in Beverly Hills, a block off Rodeo Drive. So I took the Blue Bus from National and Barrington to Olympic and Westwood,then I transferred and took Olympic down to Beverly Drive. From there it was a 15 minute walk, because if public transportation got any closer to Rodeo, the universe would implode.

All that time I worked in the shopping mecca of LA, and I never saw a single celebrity. Go figure.

It's best if you are not eating when you read this post

Elizabeth says: "Talk about your messy house. I have ADD and a chronically messy house and I loooove to hear about other people's messy houses. :-)"

I bet my house is messier than yours. Or, it was, until I removed myself, my kids and my mess up to the mountains. Now Josh feels all superior keeping the house clean (somehow the little detail of not having kids to clean up after all day has escaped his notice while he breaks his arm patting himself on the back).

I bet you never picked up a dinner dish to scrape the contents into the sink to find those contents moving of their own volition. I thought for a second I was hallucinating (I was really tired) but no, maggots had taken up residence in the previous week's steak dinner. That's what you get when you wait to run completely out of dishes before loading the dishwasher. Now you've lost your lunch. Sorry.

After we divorce, the story will always be that I drove Josh crazy with my atrocious hosuekeeping skills. I know, because that's the story that always gets told about his parents: his father took up with his Spanish tutor because the house was always a mess. True, but simplistic.

A discussion about the cognitive difference between clean people and messy people can be found in this book, which I own, thanks to my mother. It says that messy people have to train themselves to notice small things. A clean person notices specks on the carpet. A messy person walks right past those same specks, the pile of laundry, yesterday's snack plate, and last week's maggoty dinner without registering any of it. They don't mention ADD, but it's a very ADD thing to let details slip by like that.

The Fratboy Shows His Colors

Brilliant.

As usual, Jon Stewart makes it even better.

We have a MONKEY in the White House.

Lighten up, it's just Fashion

There is a great mystery in the world of breastfeeding support. How can so many women fail? How can so many women have such problems with pain and supply? We know that this isn't normal, women in other cultures don't have the problems we do.

What do we do? We blame the women: "She should have called the lactation consultant sooner! She should have called more than one! She should have gone to LLL while she was still pregnant! She should have danced naked in counterclockwise circles while spreading fenugreek on her doorstep and rubbing oatmeal on her breasts!" We blame those that should have been supporting her, we blame bad advice given at the wrong moment, we blame lawsuit-phobic nursery staff that pushes the canned food at the merest sniff of an elevated bilirubin level, we blame the high rate of c-sections that makes high bilirubin that much more of a common occurance.

But, we never answer the central question: WHY IS BREASTFEEDING SO FUCKING HARD?? It shouldn't be. If evolution worked the way it's supposed to, feeding our young would not be something that involves some of our tenderest bits getting bloody and scabbed. It would something relatively surefire.

Clearly, it's not. And there's no predicting which women will have serious problems and which will sail through with a little discomfort.

My completely unsubstatiated theory is that because we don't expose our nipples to sun and air, they are more tender than they would have been in a culture that doesn't sexualize and hide the breast. The very act of covering our breasts and shaping them with bras as soon as they make their appearance in adolescence might cause the kind of subtle structural changes that would result in the problems that are common here and rare in other places; low milk supply, flat nipples, high sensitivity, plugged ducts, bleeding, scabbing, PAIN. 

So, there's nothing to be done, short of burning our bras and letting our breasts be seen* for what they truly are. And, uh, good luck with that. I can love my real-life working breasts until I'm blue in the face, it's not going to make a shred of difference to the readers of FHM, or to the industry that tells us what parts of our bodies can be deemed attractive.

As a breastfeeding educator, I have come to accept that there are unseen forces at work that make our success rates lower than they should be. I do what I can to help women mother the way they want to, but sometimes there's nothing I can do.

ps- this was the gist of the Lost Post, but the Lost Post was longer, more linky, and all around better.

*Edited to add a very relevent link to Shape of a Mother.

Question Number One

"Are you worried about being on your own again with two kids? I don't want this to sound patronising, I'm just wondering how you are feeling about future changes. Not that I know you. Ok, I'm not so good at asking question of someone who's blog I read."

This is the million dollar question, isn't it? Or, the $xxx,xxx question.

I don't even know where to begin. What's before me is a logisitical puzzle: how to get us from being a four person household in the city with x amount of income, to being a three person household in Walkable Suburb In Family Bosom on a whole lost less income. Without borrowing any money (being such stellar loan candidates). And we have to do this while causing as little future therapy as possible.

So, yes, I'm worried. But the more time goes on, the more sure I am that this is the right thing to do. I know there is an answer to this puzzle and to find it I have be creative.

There are three major things my future hinges on right now:

1. Selling the house. Then that becomes My Money. I'd like to find a buyer privately so I don't have to go through the expense and hassle of putting this major fixer on the market. I have a number in mind that would be enough for me and a good deal for a buyer.

2. Buying a duplex. The other half would be rented out to (guess!) another mother. This person should be someone whose parenting I respect, but who I don't have baggage with. Have you ever tried to do business with someone and your baggage is getting in the way? It's not fun. No, I don't have any particualr person in mind.

3. Anti-consumerist values. Moving away from the plastic and disposable lifestyle will save lots of money in the long run. Caring about who gets my money will make me spend a lot less of it. This means no more excessive retail therapy. Shopping is now a spectator sport.

Once everyone gets settled, I'm going to get through nursing school as quickly as possible, which will provide adequate income over the years and handy skills in the event of an apocalypse.

So, that's my plan. Yes, I'm worried. But I'm also hopeful in a way I can't ever remember being before.

Now Taking Requests

Is there anything you'd like me to clarify? Anything you want to know?

If you don't ask, I will cry shut down my blog in a petulent tantrum not post anything until someone does.

Other things of interest that do not merit a whole post by themselves:

1. Naomi is now hooked on old episodes of PeeWee's Playhouse. God, I loved that show when I was a kid.

2. I bought some traffic cone orange embroidery floss to make a bracelet, but somewhere between Philadelphia and the Poconos, it got lost. I am going to buy more today. If anyone wants a bracelet I'll make you one. You can paypal me a dollar. Email if you're interested.

3. Does anyone know how to finger knit? Can a three year old be taught to do it? I won't get any knitting done until I can occupy Naomi with a related task. Otherwise she unwinds my yarn and makes me crazy, thus mitigating the calming effects of knitting.

I heart Project Runway

I see Malan, and I hate him already. And then I heard that insane giggle, and I LOVE him.

If you are talking about fashion, you can't talk about your passion without sounding like a dork. So stop. ALL of you.

100 Questions

It's been a long time since I've done one of these. I'm also posting this to the myspace page. (Myspace is kinda fun, actually. I'm getting into it. Who knew? Myspace: not just for 14 year olds and those that prey on them anymore!)

100 questions 1 - First grade teacher's name: Miss Curtis 2 - Last word you said: giant! 3 - Last song you sang: Story box song from pinky dinky doo 4 - Last person you hugged: Naomi. Miriam. Both at once. 5 - Last thing you laughed at: Naomi's naked wiggle dance. Gets me every time. 6 - Last time you said I dont remember: I say it all the time. My brain is like a sieve. 7 - Last time you cried: Yesterday, while thinking about protecting my daughters and how I really can't. 9 - What color socks are you wearing: No socks 10 - What's under your bed: a box of old cassette tapes, Josh's old sketchbooks from art school 11 - What time did you wake up today: 6ish 12 - Current taste: goldfish 13 - Current hair: sticking straight up, bedhead 15 - Current annoyance: That Miriam won't stay out of Naomi's toys, and that Naomi can't figure out how to share, so they can give me enough time to fill out these stupid random questions. 16 - Current longing: My own house that I can paint WHATEVER CRAZY COLOR I WANT. 17 - Current desktop background: Naomi wearing a funny hat and glasses and making a fasce like a tsking librarian. 18 - Current worry: That Miriam is going to bonk her hed AGAIN. 19 - Current hate: Um... 20 - Current favorite article of clothing: Aqua yoga pants that are so freaking comfortable. 21 - Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex: Eyes. On toast. 22 - Last CD that you listened to: A mix cd Kristen made me while I was pregnant with Miriam. 23 - Favorite place to be: Sleeping. 24 - Least favorite place: court 25 - Time do you wake up in the morning: The baby's up by six, therefore I am up by six. I'd sleep until nine or so if it were up to me. 27 - Favorite color: the twilight sky after a clear summer day. 28 - Do you believe in an afterlife? yes, and reincarnation. 29 - How tall are you: 5'7" 30 - Current favorite word/saying: huh? 31 - Favorite book: Tree Grows in Brooklyn 32 - Favorite season: August-December 33 - One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: There are lots. Most are apologies. 36 - What is your career going to be like: career? what's that? 37 - How many kids do you want: I'd like another, but not for a long, long time. If ever. HAVE YOU EVER 39 - Said "I love you" and meant it: yes 40 - Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird/fish, etc: the cat always wins. She's a biter. 41 - Been to New York: yes 42 - Been to Florida: yes, but not since our trip to Disney and Epcot. 4th grade? 5th? 43 - Been to California:yes, lived in West LA for a few years. 44 - Been to Hawaii: no 45 - Been to Mexico: I wish. Three years I lived a few hours from the border and never went. 46 - Been to China: no 48 - Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: 52 - Do you have a crush on someone: HA!! no. 53 - What book are you reading now?: Good Girls, Laura Ruby 54 - Worst feeling in the world: Like your negligence has hurt your children. 55 - What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?: Were are my babies? 56 - How many rings before you answer: I get it as soon as I find it. 57 - Future daughter's name: Ruby? 58 - Future son's name: Dexter? 59 - Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: no, I sleep with a real animal. Three of them. 61 - Wish were here: a friend to talk to. 63 - Piercings: just ears, now. THE EXTRA STUFF 64 - Do you do drugs: everyone does drugs. Tylenol is a drug. 65 - Do you drink: occasionally. 67 - What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use: some organic minty stuff. 68 - What are you most scared of: losing my kids because of something stupid I did. 69 - What clothes do you sleep in: Things that have easy boob access. 70 - Who is the last person that called you: Mom 71 - Where do you want to get married: in the past 72 - If you could change anything about yourself what would that be: I would be more organized. 73 - Who do you really hate: Hate is ugly. 74 - Been In Love: who hasn't? 75 - Are you timely or always late: I'm occasionally late. I'm usually early because I overcompensate for my lateness gene. 77 - Do you like being around people: Sometimes 78 - Best feeling in the world: Accomplishment, mastery. 79 - Are you for world peace: Peace is good. 80 - Are you a health freak: becoming more of one every day when I see the nutrtionless crap marketed to children. 81 - Do you have a "Type" of person you always go after? Do I go after anyone? 82 - Do you want someone you don't have? I love me a good fictional man. 83 - Are you lonely right now: I'm so sick of people I could scream. At the same time, lonely as hell. 84 - Ever afraid you'll never get married: Just the opposite. Right now, I have a hard time seeing myself ever get married again. 85 - Do you want to get married: uh, NO. 86 - Do you want kids? clearly this was written by single people. IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU 87 - Cried: yes 88 - Bought Something: food. paper towels. 89 - Gotten Sick: I have a cold. Miriam's getting over one (finally) and Naomi's already over it. 90 - Sang: yes! 91 - Said I Love You: a few hundred times, roughly evenly to both girls, although probably more to Naomi since she understands english. 92 - Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them: when I want to say I love you, I say it. 93 - Met Someone: no 94 - Moved On: I hope so, soon. 95 - Talked To Someone: yes 96 - Had A Serious Talk: several 97 - Missed Someone: my mom and dad. They went to Vegas for my brother's birthday. Their house is just weird without them. 98 - Hugged Someone: Hugging is a big part of what I do all day. 99 - Yelled at Someone: yes. 100 - Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: probably, though I don't remember the details

And I thought I had no time for reading

1. Why is it, on the days when you wake up UTTERLY DEPLETED, your children decide that this would be a good day to throw innumerable tantrums, come down with a wicked cold, and forsake all naps? WHY? How, exactly, does this make evolutionary sense?

2. I have a thing for young adult lit. Like Paul Zindel. And Judy Blume. When I was in high school, I started with the A's and read every single young adult paperback in their collection. Even the Lurlene McDaniels (which I came to adore, eventually. Especially the one about the girl with Cyctic Fibrosis. And ESPECIALLY the one with the girl who got Leukemia.)

Anyway, at my local independant bookstore for kids they had a box of advance copies of young adult novels that they were GIVING AWAY FOR FREE if you bought something over $10. So I bought For the Kids (since I meant to anyway) and dove into the box salivating like a dog. I haven't read anything like this since going on that shameful Caroline B. Cooney bender a few years ago.

I was richly rewarded. I found this book, about an honors student good girl who gets photographed in a very compromising position and the hell that ensues when the picture hits the digital landscape of a modern high school. I loved it so much I emailed the author with my effusive admiration.

I bet she thinks I'm a big dork.

Maybe I'll write juicy young adult lit when I grow up. Screw this serious stuff for grownups.

Shifting Priorities

Every year, usually in the summer, I run a constant list of pros and cons to living in the city. Summer, because that's when the streets bake and the garbage stinks and the noise of construction makes open windows unendurable. I long for fresh breezes and cool grass. I want to hear birds, not jackhammers.

Then the weather turns colder and I'm glad I don't have to dig a car out of a snowdrift and worry about road conditions. I have no idea how much gas costs.

I want to grow vegetables. I want Naomi and Miriam to have their own little backyard world to make mud pies and play in a sprinkler and build a clubhouse. I want to join a swim club that won't bend me over with fees (while plying me with free drinks) and expect me to be as well-connected as the Bushes.

I am less enamoured of my urban lifestyle these days. I started noticing how much time I spend in retail stores. I shop when I'm bored, when I need to put Naomi down for a nap in the stroller, when I'm stressed out after a long day. Within blocks of my house are two huge bookstores, every variety of the gap (including maternity and outlet), the Children's Place, two H&M's, and dozens more. There is a long list of things that I covet. Even though I know many of these things I covet are made by foriegn hands not much bigger than Naomi's, I buy them and wear them, proud of the bargain I got.

I buy more than I need because I can't pass up a bargain. Sure, last week at the gap I got three shirts and reversible skirt (like two skirts in one!) for less than $40, but it was three more shirts than I needed, and $40 I really couldn't afford to spend.

I might take better care of what I already have if I didn't have ready access to cheap replacements. I wear something once and it goes to the basement for laundering, and I may not see it again for a month. My consumption appalls me. I am firmly entrenched in the orbit of the huge retail chains.

Where I plan to move, there is a walkable downtown with plenty of crap to want. But the purveyors of that crap are small businesses instead of retail giants. Independant coffeehouses, used books and cd stores, independant knitting and craft stores. It is a place much more in line with the values I'd like to raise my girls by. I love to fantasize about getting a building with retail space and opening a crunchy mommy store with non-plastic sippy cups, slings, diapers, books, lactation services, discussion groups, and free coffee all day long. But in reality I'll probably end up with something like this*.

* that's a real estate listing for a duplex, the link probably won't work for long.