What I didn't know

It's so nice having other birthmothers in the blogosphere. For a long time I felt like I was alone.

From NotMother: I am not who I was before. Some is societal- the loss of good girl status, the pride that comes from saying I hadn't made that mistake. Some is good- I have more empathy, I'm warmer, more compassionate, more assertive at times. Some is not so good: I'm world-weary, more closed-up, less trusting, less available, less patient with what I view as trivial things. I've lost some confidence- a lot of confidence. I'm more anxious. Little things I'd gotten over, like my jumpiness, have come back stronger than ever. This is what has really changed my life. It is like starting all over again.

Three years after my daughter was born, I am working hard not to hang my head in public. I'm rediscovering my voice. I'm just starting to dream big again, to show my true potential, to accept praise. Three years later. It's a lot of time lost and compounded by the fact that virtually no one knows me from before- the headstrong go-getter that I used to be. It is a challenge.

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So many of the changes were social. I spent four years folded in upon myself. I lost my social skills, and the loneliness compounded the grief. I felt naked in the world, and I was afraid of everyone. I'm still afraid of most people.

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I lost more than my daughter and more than my motherhood. Having a baby changes everything.

This is the central thing I dind't understand when I was placing. Motherhood changes you. I was only going to be E.'s mother for two days, but there's no going back. I'm reading Mommy Brain right now. The author talks about how a pregnancy causes your brain to literally rewire itself in preparation for motherhood. Those changes, and the corresponding difference in your thinking and priorities, can't be undone. You are a mother forever.

I absolutely craved a child starting about two years after E. was born until Naomi was born three years ago. This empty motherhood space begged to be filled. Sometimes it was all I could think about. It was a big part of the reason I got married when I did. It was like I was never going to get any further in processing the experience until I had a child and fufilled that need.

Comments

[kim]

I changed a lot too. And I really changed when I got her back. Not that you ever really get them back but everything changed for the better when I found her again. It's such a shock when you think you are going to be able to go on and eventually heal and you don't.

[running2ks]

Thank you so much for sharing this. For those of us who can't know what it is like--this is a special window, a glimpse.

[Ms. Mom]

It was like I was never going to get any further in processing the experience until I had a child and fufilled that need.

You said it. It was strange to be a Mother ... "to no one," since my firstborn wasn't visible to anyone in my life. Sigh.