This is a really hard post to write.
I have to wean Naomi. It's just too much. Maybe this feeling will pass. Maybe, then, it will come back even stronger.
All of a sudden, it's like she doesn't fit in my lap anymore.
About two weeks ago I had to make a three times a day rule. Morning, after nap, and bedtime. Most days it's fine. Some days she needles me for "snackies" until my patience is gone.
I know I can't stop her from needing me. I have to help her be comforted another way, preferably some way that I have an arm free to care for her sister, some way that doesn't suck the energy and patience out of me.
I never wanted to wean her this way, out of frustration from being at the end of my rope too often. I hate that I'm even considering it. But when she nurses I feel like I want her OFF ME.
I imagine I feel the same as a mother dog when she pushes her pups away to wean them. I know that nursing agitation is a natural component of the weaning dance, it's a built-in signal for the mother to cut back. This is why I don't believe that child-led weaning is necessarily the most "natural" way to wean.
I want this to be a positive rite of passage for her. She may remember it, so I don't want it to be fraught with insecurities and negative feelings. It's going to be bad enough as it is.
Today I planted a seed: I told her that when she stops nursing I'll take her to get "special little holes" in her ears, which she has wanted forever. Then we'll have a party. I might even make her a boob cake. (I wanted to link to a picture of a boob cake, but I couldn't find out without a leering man wagging his tounge at it, so you'll just have to use your imagination).
Oh, good luck. Hopefully she's ready enough that it won't be too much of a struggle.
I'd never thought about the mother dog, but I do feel that way some days.
Posted by: Ally | Tuesday, January 24, 2006 at 12:38 PM
omigod... the boob cake thing gave me a total chuckle...
And wow... I've learned so much from you about breastfeeding... you're the only person I've ever met who has nursed as long as you have... I'm still not sure I understand it all... but you've made me want to learn more about it should I EVER get there myself.
Posted by: Manuela | Tuesday, January 24, 2006 at 12:48 PM
I have had many of the same feelings about nursing two. I remember thinking about how I have seen horses wean - the mother just bumps the little one aside and walks away. Tempting, veeery tempting!
What I did instead was to gradually cut back until I found I was comfortable. And if that had been at the point of total weaning, it would have been fine. But for a while, I was happy with 3x per day. Then the morning one got to driving me crazy so we cut it out and I was happy with 2x. The mid-day one phased itself out when she stopped napping and for a long time I was quite happy with 'bedtime only'. When that got to be a nuisance (because it had to be MOMMY putting to bed) we gently phased it out and then it was done.
So it wasn't exactly child-led. I was definitely leading the way, but it wasn't sudden either. There is no reason to think in terms of absolutes - like Weaning with a capital 'W'. I started with the reductions a few months after my #2 was born, so #1 would have been turning 3. She didn't wean entirely until she was 4.5. But the whole time, I made sure we were at a level that I was comfortable with, so nursing was never a chore.
Good luck, whatever you do!
Posted by: LB | Tuesday, January 24, 2006 at 02:03 PM
Oh, and you know what helped me? The La Leche League book "How Weaning Happens". It describes dozens and dozens of different ways kids wean and it made me feel very good about how much I was needed to lead and how much I was willing to follow.
Posted by: LB | Tuesday, January 24, 2006 at 02:05 PM
((hugs)) Wow, what a tough bittersweet time this has to be.
Posted by: Suzanne | Tuesday, January 24, 2006 at 02:22 PM
The promise of getting my ears pierced was how my mom got me to finish toilet training, so rock on!
Posted by: Foster | Tuesday, January 24, 2006 at 06:34 PM
Good luck with whatever happens.
I thought I was all about child-led weaning until I had a (loud) complete thirty-second breakdown at bedtime the other night. It was very un-LLL-like. Oops.
Posted by: Deirdre | Tuesday, January 24, 2006 at 06:49 PM
Thank you so much for your honesty in this issue. I feel like too often, way too often, we moms are lead to believe we are the only ones who possibly have mixed feelings about all this. That it is not all bonding and closeness! Yes, there IS alot of bonding and closeness that IS part of it, but there are also feelings of frustration and struggle.
Thank you again for your honesty!
{{{Hugs}}}
Posted by: Tina | Wednesday, January 25, 2006 at 08:43 AM
Martha Stewart has boob cupcakes on her website. of course she's not calling them that.
I know the feelings of which you speak. I tandemed for nearly 2 years by often using the "you can nurse while I count to 10" line.
Posted by: Adria | Thursday, January 26, 2006 at 04:14 PM
Oh Kateri, I know how hard that feels. Kelvin's still going (and he'll be 4 in March!!), though I've been willing to wean him for a long time. I hope the process is a smooth one.
Posted by: Lilian | Thursday, January 26, 2006 at 11:26 PM