Weepy Day

It took me about a hundred years to pull myself together this morning.

Yesterday, I got a letter from E.'s parents in response to that phone call a few months ago. It came yesterday afternoon, and I skimmed it to get the gist, and so far, I haven't sat down and read it thoroughly. My mother read it and Josh read it. I know generally what it says: "We don't know why you're dissatisfied, we kept to the letter of our agreement". What stood out was at the end of the letter, they stated that they thought that E. having any kind of contact with Naomi and her future siblings would "irreparably damage" E.'s relationship with her brother. At that point I put the letter down. I couldn't read any more. I have been fighting tears ever since. I have been a mess all day. I am barely holding it together.

I don't know what I am grieving, exactly. That no consideration was given to the feelings of my famliy, of my children? That I am losing E. all over again, because it's all gotten "too hard"? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Right now the pain is too intense to locate its genesis. It is blinding.

If I had never made that phone call, I wonder when it would have come out that they intended to end our visits to salvage the sibling relationship?

All day I have been composing responses in my head. I wish I could post the letter here. I want to send them literature, short articles about open adoption, in an attempt to illustrate why, exactly, I am dissatisfied. Not that it will rescue the relationship, or anything. I will post my response before I send it.

In thinking back, I wonder how much I missed in those heady early days when we were getting to know each other. I remember the moment when we signed the (not legally binding) open adoption contract at the agency. The contract outlined a basic structure for an open adoption: something like, visits yearly, pictures every six months. It was far less than I expected, and I said so. I said something like "we will never need this. Our relationship is already beyond it". What I remember is that everyone was as enthusiastic as I was. What I wonder now is if everyone else in the room was only along for the ride. Maybe my enthusiasm was infectious.

Most of all, I wish this letter hadn't come on my birthday. It's that extra kick in the pants, that they didn't know, or care, when my birthday is, that I am not worthy of that kind of friendship in their eyes. That kind of friendship is, in essence, all I ever really wanted from them.

Comments

[Aimee]

Oh Kateri :( I'm sad right along with you.

[Lilian]

Oh, no... not on your birthday! This is inexpressibly sad, I don't even know what to say.

[Lynn]

I am so sorry. I have a hard time fathoming the thinking behind that letter.

[Adria]

Happy Birthday. I'm so sorry about the letter, and the timing. That really stinks. Especially when you thought your relationship with them was one thing and it's really another. That's gotta hurt. :(

[Dawn]

I am so sorry. I am furious on your behalf and on the children's behalf. I wish, too, that it hasn't come on your birthday but I wish even more that I could have a word or two (or three) with E's parents.

[getupgrrl]

Kateri, I'm really, really sorry. This is so wrong, on so many different levels.

[Monica]

I'm so sorry. I'm devastated on your behalf.

[Kristin H.]

I am so sorry, and sad for your loss and your children's. It seems so very wrong for them to do what they are doing -- & it burns me up!

[J]

Sad, sad, sad. I can't help but imagine the amazing potential relationship that E. and Naomi could have, and she seems to not understand that at all. Well, actually it seems more like she is absolutely terrified of that possibility. I can't imagine why. Why wouldn't that be good for BOTH of them? I feel like she's setting herself up for future resentment from E. by keeping this information and this person from her. If I found out as an adult that I had siblings that my parents didn't tell me about or didn't allow me to have contact with, I know I would be fascinated by those siblings and completely drawn to them and to finding out about them.

I wonder if she is so hurt by her son not being happy right now and not liking being adopted that she is trying to keep E. from you guys to protect herself. Like if E. spent time with you guys and really liked it, then she would feel like both of her children were unhappy being adopted and maybe she couldn't stand that.

Okay, sorry. No more armchair psychologist of a situation I know very little about. I just feel for you, and wish that there was a way to think through this issue and find the solution. Happy Birthday anyway! And buy yourself that gorgeous bag!

[J]

Sorry, just wanted to add that I can't help but notice the stark turnaround from your earlier phone call versus the letter. When you called, you caught her off guard and she was more candid, admitting that things had changed (and then providing a litany of excuses as to why), but still she seemed to know what you meant. Now she's saying that they followed the agreement to the letter and doesn't know why you're dissatisfied. Classic ass-covering behavior.