Closets and Such

Manuela has an interesting post today about being out of the IF closet, and why she chose that position. I, for one, appreciate all the people in my life who are "out" about their issues. Probably about half the mothers I know are or have been in some kind of fertility treatment. Some have had only a few procedures, some travelled that road for a long time before succeeding. Some are still on it, finding the second child much harder to come by than the first. Reading IF blogs has given me an idea of what to say, and what not to say. The people I know in real life put faces and families to the people I read about online. Together, these things have deepended my understanding of the IF experience immesurably. I am grateful for that.

Even experiencing firsthand the benefits of other people being "out" about difficult issues, I find it hard to be "out" about being a birthmother. I've told maybe half the people I know of my odd status, and I have no idea how many people actually know because I can't account for gossip. There are only a few people who I can talk openly with about being a birthmother. Most of them also read my blog.

Before having Naomi and while I was pregnant with her, I dealt with the issue of Telling simply by not talking to anyone at all who didn't already know. A second pregnancy is much different than a first, both in the experience itself and your enthusiasm and interest in everything going on with your body. I couldn't fake the mindset of a first pregnancy. I couldn't talk about pregnancy without referring to the first one. For example, I couldn't commiserate with another pregnant woman about morning sickness (which was brutal in my first pregnancy but nonexistent in my second) without either lying (and combining both prengnacies into one) or admitting that I'd been pregnant before and what became of that child. I had to be very careful about what I said, because I could easily blurt something that couldn't easily be explained away. So not talking to anyone seemed like the best course of action.

The only exception to this was during labor, when I wasn't a prima gravida. I had to tell people over and over that no, the four year old was not excited to be getting a new baby sister or brother, as she did not live with us blah blah blah. There was no easy way around this, since there were new nurses and residents in and out of my room all the time. This time, there will be huge red letters on my chart explaining the status of my first child and PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME TALK ABOUT ADOPTION DURING LABOR!

When I had Naomi, not talking to anyone was suddenly not an option anymore. As I began my forays into the social mommy world, the specter of Telling hung enormously above me every time I met someone new. When to tell, and how? In what context? I waited for relationships to deepen to the point of comfort, knowing they would never deepen that far if I never came clean. Especially at that time in my life, the adoption part of everything I did and every choice I made. I thought about E. all the time when Naomi was a baby. I was healing, processing, and in wonderment over how motherhood wasn't what I thought it was when I was placing E.

A few awkward Tellings later, I started to keep things to myself more. I found that I could skirt the issue much easier than I thought I could, and unless I felt a particular trust in someone, I simply kept that huge chunk of information to myself. I found it was more information than most people could handle gracefully. It was like blurting about molestation or abuse. Way too much of an overshare.

Now, I'm less concerned about making new friends, so the stakes are lower. At the same time, the adoption isn't so central in my life like it was when Naomi was small, so E. doesn't pop into my head in the course of a normal converstation as much. This makes it easy for me to slip into the facade of normalcy, like I'm just another mother.

I am beginning to wonder whether I now have the strength and perspective to start to be a little more "out" about the whole thing. I like the idea of shattering stereotypes and banishing misinformation, and I wonder if it's time for me to step up to the plate and do my part in real life.

Comments

[yankee transplant]

Thank you for this honest post, Kateri. I can only try to imagine what you feel. Adoption is such a complex issue. Your honesty and openness on your blog is a blessing to all of us who read it, whether we are involved in the world of adoption or not. You are brave and strong. Your children are very lucky.

[Manuela]

Kateri, please don't underestimate the huge impact you have had on people's lives by being 'out' in blogland... in a way... saying 'in real life' is a bit of a misnomre. Because really... the blog is still REAL LIFE... you are still putting yourself out there in a very tangible, powerful way. Some might argue that it's possibly even MORE real... because once you've commited it to print... you are part of the cyber universe forever.

I only say this because you have demonstrated such incredible strength through your whole journey... and telling your story here... with such candor and painful honesty... that I hate to think you are telling your self that perhaps this isn't enough.

This is still YOUR story... YOUR life... and if it helps to purge it, by all means do so... but your first obligation has to be to yourself... and your family. Please don't pressure yourself to do even MORE by outing yourself 'in real life'. You've done so much already... and it's ok to find a place where you feel comfortable... it's ok to find that comfort zone. You don't ALWAYS have to push the boundaries...

I'm not trying to tell you what to do... or not do... at all... I just get protective of you when I hear something that sounds like you might do something because you think you SHOULD rather than because you WANT TO. Kateri... you've endured sooo many SHOULDS... too many... give yourself permission to do what feels right... what YOU want.

Hope this wasn't too preachy... I just am overwhelmed by how much of yourself you have already given...

Much affection, my friend.

[Stacy]

Getting caught up on the letters, etc. Time for me to bring out the patented Stacy SMACK to E's adoptive parents. Secrets and lies will ALWAYS come back to haunt us. If they choose to make it difficult for her to know her siblings, their decision will come back on them someday.

[Manuela]

What Stacy says is soooo true. It absolutely WILL come back to haunt them... in literal respects as well as figurative.

I was born and adopted under a system that viliified the birth mother and gave adoptive parents 100% control over the choice to lie to me. The law even protected my adoptive parents from the truth ever being found out. At least.... that was the case for 25 years! As you know I STILL found out the truth... E's adoptive family are playing a very dangerous and unhealthy game with their own lives as well as those of their children. I do not doubt for one second that their actions today will come back to bite them in the ass. I only hope the kids don't suffer as a result.

Lies, lies, lies... what a horrible premise on which to base someone's life. And yes... secrets of the variety they are asking you to keep... makes them liars in my books.

[Aimee]

I've been doing this "telling" or not thing for more than 20 years now and it's not any easier, really. I hate it when people ask me if Rebecca is my only child. It's worst when you're dating. At what point do you tell a boyfriend/potential boyfriend? Gah, it sucks. I just met a whole bunch of new people recently and got that "is she your only one?" many times. And that was usually followed by questions about if we plan to have only one child, which I love answering, too, because I had a miscarriage a few months ago. It makes for a really great conversation with new friends :/

[Beanie Baby]

What a complicated situation.

This might come off totally wrong--but to me, you *are* a "normal mother." Maybe to some people out there, being a birth mother makes you "abnormal"--but to me, while the adoption is obviously a very huge and complicated part of your life and something I don't have any experience with myself, it (and everything that's happened because of it since) only reflects positively on you.

Which isn't to say that I can't see why you wouldn't want to tell people. I definitely can. Most people in my "real" life don't know everything that's gone on with Frances, either--because I don't want people in her "real life" to turn her into a subject for gossip.

[Dawn]

Obviously I can never give you advice about how out to be but know how much of my respect you have. I'm thinking of you.

[Kirsty]

Obviously I'm not in your position, but I am in a bisexual triad so believe me, I know how very tedious the whole 'outing' thing can get at times! Whenever I meet a new person and they ask if I'm in a relationship I always have to think about what to say. That constant question about whether or not to come out does get rather wearing.

What I've found is that my own personal need for openness or privacy varies drastically. At times I've been quite militant about being out and at other times, quite reticent. It depends on both the situation and where I am with my sexual identity at any given time.

The good thing about coming out is that you're being true to yourself and you can act as a very visible focus for others who might be in similar situations. I've lost count of the number of times people have confessed same sex attraction to me because they know that I'm out. Often I might be the only person they know who is out. I often get the response "oh, I think I might be attracted to the same sex" or "well, I had this one experience when I was a teenager and I've wondered about it a lot since". So being visibly out does allow other people the freedom to talk to you about stuff that they usually keep very buried.

One of the downsides is that you can end up being a bit of a poster child for whatever you've come out over and that can be a bit of a drag sometimes.

Frankly, I think you're already doing an amazing job with what you write here about being a birthmother. It wasn't something I'd thought about much before I started reading your blog and I really value your honesty and the depth of your writing. Although being out can be a very empowering thing, don't feel that you have to force it beyond what you're currently comfortable with.

[Running2Ks]

I respect you, and I hope you find the level of revelation that works for you. For what it is worth, I find that the more open I am about things in my life, the easier it is.

[Casey]

This is me waving at you from the very back of the closet I like to call home. I used to be a lot more open about my beliefs/history/whatever, but ever since I got pregnant with Ivy, I feel like I have to hide parts of my life that don't quite line up with being a "good and normal" mom. It's stupid, but there you go.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I really admire you.