A Better Day

Thank you, everyone, who responded to my last post. I am blown away by your support and understanding.

It's amazing how a shock can leave you so clearheaded after all the dust settles.

I am so grateful for many things. I'm so glad I have Naomi, she makes me smile when nothing else will. She fills a void and then some. I shudder to think of the devastation this news would have caused if I did not have Naomi in my life.

I'm so grateful that Josh and I are in this together. We stuck it out through such tough times when we were so depressed and grieving E., and now, we can look at our beautiful family and love what we have made together. He is my touchstone of reality, he remembers the time around the adoption as well as I do. He is how I know I'm not making things up, they really did seem like the perfect adoptive parents at the time. They really did seem to be on the same page as us.

I am clearer now on how I will handle telling Naomi about the adoption. She loves my photo albums. I am going make a lifebook of sorts, starting with myself and Josh before and during the pregnancy, through E.'s birth and up to Naomi's life. I will explain things as honestly and simply as I can. I will not back down from hard subjects. I know she might be confused, but I consider it a small price to pay for the lack of secrecy and shame. I am determined to do it this way now because I've seen how "protecting" a child from sensitive information can hurt them so much.

I am working on my response to their sincere but wrong-headed letter. So far, I have two vastly different letters, one where I really let it rip, and tell them exactly what I think of their dishonesty, and another, where I'm the nice, compliant, opinionless birthmother. Guess which one I will send?

After rereading the letter a million times, it seems like they are willing to continue visits as long as we don't bring Naomi. I hate to hide Naomi from E. and collude in their charade. Question is, do I continue visits for E.'s benefit, even though the strain of the visit itself is considerable and it turns my stomach to be blatantly dishonest? Or do I let the whole thing go, shut the door, and feel peace that I did it as long as I could stand it, and that the mud is on their hands?

I am leaning toward letting the door close. I have my own mental health to think of. I don't want to be bent into shapes that fit around their insecurities, I don't want that responsibility on my shoulders anymore. Of course, I'll continue to send her birthday presents every year, but I won't be playing the part they assign to me. I'll be playing on my own terms.

It is clear that they'd rather have me walk away. I am inclined right now to give them what they want. I pray that it is temporary, and I hope that someday I will be able to tell E. my side of the story, but by walking away I have to accept that I may never get that opportunity.

Comments

[Beanie Baby]

Oh god, what a terrible choice.

I can't even begin to think of what else to say that wouldn't be completely assvice. I'm thinking of you.

[Adria]

I wish you peace with the decisions you're wrestling with. Be true to yourself, too. E needs you just as much as she needs them, IMNSHO.

I just wanted to point out that N is the cutest purple haired witch I have ever laid eyes on.

[Lynn]

You are so strong it blows my mind. I hope so much that you experience future happiness with E.

[Nancy]

I hope you'll be able to keep visiting E. She needs you in her life. It's sad that Naomi is not welcome to be a part of that life now, but E. will know her as an adult, if not sooner. But it would be so awful for her to lose contact with you and Josh too.

You're very strong, and you and Josh are so lucky to have each other, and she and Naomi to have you guys.

[Lilian]

First, the seasonal look of the blog is great, particularly Naomi's picture!!!
I don't know what to say either. Part of me leans toward continuing for E.'s sake, but then, I totally agree that if you're honest with yourself and refuse to play by their rules it'll be better for your sanity (and, as a result, to your family, which is really important considering you're about to have a baby). Yes, you're very strong, I admire you for that. I'll be thinking of you, as always...

[Kirsty]

It's a difficult choice to make and I can see both positions. If you do continue seeing E then it's going to be very hard to hide the fact that you have other kids, especially when the new baby arrives.

Perhaps you could tell the parents that you won't bring the subject up but that if E ever asks you if you have other kids then you will tell her the truth because you're not prepared to lie to her face.

Whatever you decide you are one brave and wonderful mother.

[Manuela]

Kateri... wow... what a horrible horrible decision for you to have to make at all. I'm so incredibly sorry it's come to this... at least for now.

You know I'll continue to keep both you and E in my thoughts... in light of my own history, your story is one that I hold very close to my heart...

[Dawn]

I think that you are strong and smart and that whatever decision you ultimately make that it will be the right one. I know that this is not something you choose to do lightly and I wish for peace as you move to the next phase in your adoption story. I hope and pray that E gets the opportunity to meet your wonderful family in its entierty. Meanwhile, take care of yourself!!!!!!!!!

[Wasabi]

Reading more entries I see more similarities between our experiences as I am also now married to the birthfather of my daughter and we have two girls together. When I first wrote to the adoptive mother about the birth of our first child I was a bit surprised when she responded some time later that she was waiting to decide when to tell our daughter of our marriage let alone the birth of her full sister. In some ways it did hurt me and sort of shock me that here I was corresponding with her all these years and assuming that much of what I shared with her was being passed on to my children. Suddenly I wondered what if anything they knew about me. Did they know I wrote, did they know I kept up with their lives? And the feeling of powerlessness to have any control over whether she knew that she has sisters. Ugh.