Deanna...

What I don't agree with is the theory that "adoptive children suffer life long consequences as a result of adoption seperation". I think that is hogwash and I have yet to see definitive proof. The primal wound theory, all of it has yet to be proven to me. The only people that really suffer in this is the birthfamiles. Their sacrifice is unfathomable. --Deanna

I found a few links that might be of interest to you.

When you read the expereince of adoptees you will see that there are "lifelong consequences". Some relate to the Primal Wound theory and some do not. The thing is, every adopted child has their own journey, and that jouney may include pain and loss that has nothing to do with the loving home in which they were reaised or the attitude of the parents who raised them. Being an adopted child in society has it's own complications. And no parent is perfect, that includes adotpive parents. Mistakes are made. We are all human.

Comments

[getupgrrl]

Kateri, as always, thank you for providing a space in which to discuss these important topics with civility and kindness.

I have to confess that I too find Verrier's "Primal Wound" hypothesis to be unconvincing and lacking in scientific support. There's no doubt that newborns experience physiological stress upon being separated from their gestational mother (I use the term "gestational mother" only because of my own situation, although I know that the more typical phrasing would be "biological mother" or "birth mother"). However, does that stress necessarily translate into life-long emotional damage? I'm not convinced that it does.

Moreover, I don't think that you *need* a "primal wound" theory in order to address the emotional and psychological complexities of the adoptee experience. According to the "primal wound" theory, the neonate period is much more dispositive than the every day, here-and-now experience of being adopted. To me, that makes no sense. For example, for an adolescent, what's more central - the years-old experience of being separated from one's birth mother, or the current (potential - I'm not making any universalist claims) feelings of loss, confusion, and/or dislocation attendant upon figuring out one's identity?

You wrote, "The thing is, every adopted child has their own journey, and that jouney may include pain and loss that has nothing to do with the loving home in which they were reaised or the attitude of the parents who raised them. Being an adopted child in society has it's own complications." I agree 100% - but what you said doesn't really have to do with a "primal wound," as opposed to, say, the developmental challenges attendant upon wrestling with one's adoption.

I once read an interview with Verrier in which she claimed that gestational surrogacy (in which the Intended Mother shares a genetic relationship with the child) should be outlawed due to "primal wound" concerns, whereas egg donation (in which the Intended Mother shares a gestational relationship with the child) is fine. Well, no. Each method of family building has its own complexities and challenges. Neither is any more certain than the other to produce a "well-adjusted" kid.

I'm sorry for hijacking your comments section. I just don't know of any other place where these issues are discussed respectfully, by people who are genuinely interested in hearing one another's perspective. So I probably got over-excited and nattered on too much.

FEEL FREE TO EDIT!

[Lisa V]

I commented on this below on the previous post.

Kateri, it's so great to have a birthmom blogging.

[deanna]

Thank you, Thank you, thank you for starting a dialog instead of a war. I have a tendency to speak my mind and not everyone is as receptive to my opinions as you have been. I have read the links you gave me. I did not go too deep into the thin pink line blog. I still don't think I read anything about a primal wound. I'm too tired tonight to post anything intelligent, not that I ever do?!? I will post my thoughts on my blog soon, when I have a chance to look through the one blog link again. I don't want to hijack your blog. :)

Thanks again for starting a dialog instead of a war. It's so refreshing, especially after a really long day of laying tile!

[Manuela]

Hi Kateri... for some reason my trackback thingy didn't work so I didn't know you had linked my blog. In any case, I'm so glad you have prompted these discussions because regardless of what people call this life-long emotional scarring 'primal wound' or just plain baggage... I KNOW from personal experience that every waking moment of my existence has been affected by the trauma of adoption. I don't need any scientist to prove this... I don't feel the need to justify this pain to anyone... and I can certainly understand adoptive mothers' unwillingness to accept that this is a possibility. But again... this is all irrelevant to me. Because I'm living it. Today. Now. And I've spent a lifetime coming to terms with it.

I'm definitely going to post about this soon...

Thanks again for these incredible discussions...