Through A Mother's Love Never Ends I became aware of this.
I have no words.
A birthmother commits suicide after her promised open adoption is closed. Adoptive mother is the author of this piece of trash, detailing how to gain the trust of vulnerable women and adopt as quickly as possible.
I'm going to vomit.
For the past few years, I have actually been off the adoption information pipeline. I stopped going to forums, ect. Which explains how I missed this, as it happened over a year ago.
The reason I stopped going to adoption related "places" is because I needed to get in touch with the truth of my own story. I didn't often post, but when I did I was always presenting the face of being much more "over it" and much less angry than I was in reality. I would say things like "it was hard but it was the best thing I could do and I'm happy with my choice" and then I might la dee dah on a bit about how perfect my open adoption was/is and how great E.'s parents are. In reality, when I wasn't ruminating on the past and how everything I touch turns to shit and it's all my fault, I was thinking about getting pregnant again (NOW!!!). And when I wasn't thinking about the baby I wanted so very badly, I was thinking about death. Not exactly a picture of a happy person.
So I dropped out of the online adoption world completely and got in touch with my own anger, which was consuming me from the inside like flesh eating bacteria. They say depression is anger turned inward. In my case that was definitly true.
I think this hits the nail on the head: "There should be nothing “fast” about an adoption. If it is to occur at all, every step of the process should be weighed heavily and every aspect considered deeply." I hate, hate, hate, hate this baby-selling industry. There are really good, ethical agencies out there, but like with anything, if you have money and aren't willing to do the hard (but crucial) stuff, someone will let you bypass it. What a tragedy--! Hopefully, though, good people won't be pulled by their desperation toward this kind of adoption...
Posted by: sster | Saturday, July 16, 2005 at 08:28 AM
I am devastated that this birthmother took her life. It is so sad. I also think the book is trash.
What I don't agree with is the theory that "adoptive children suffer life long consequences as a result of adoption seperation". I think that is hogwash and I have yet to see definitive proof. The primal wound theory, all of it has yet to be proven to me. The only people that really suffer in this is the birthfamiles. Their sacrifice is unfathomable.
I hate to disagree with you on your own blog but I can't keep quiet on something so important. I love reading your blog and I hope I'm still welcomed here.
Posted by: deanna | Saturday, July 16, 2005 at 09:14 AM
Someone should add a review to the Amazon page for that book that discusses this. Let potential readers know!
Posted by: Phantom Scribbler | Saturday, July 16, 2005 at 10:10 AM
This is just too sad for me to find words.
Posted by: Running2Ks | Saturday, July 16, 2005 at 12:13 PM
Phantom and everyone else, when this happened over a year ago, there were tons of negative reviews put on Amazon. They get taken down.
I was heavily a part of that adoption forum. I left last fall. I really have no issues with adoption that I need to vent about on the forum. I got really tired of all sides of the triad flaming each other.
Deanna, adoption is different for each member of the triad, and each person handles it differently at different stages. My 6 year old who was completely happy with her adoption turned to a jealous 10 year old when her birthmother gave birth and parented that child. At 12 she was the poster child for open adoption and did a project on birthmother and talked to the media and panels and everyone else. Now at 13 she glowers when people mention her adoption because she wants her privacy. I don't much believe in the Primal Wound, and Mallory's birthmother (an adoptee herself) said it didn't describe her. But I have met a few adult adoptees who thought the book spoke for them. I think we must recognize all experiences, even the ones that don't apply to us.
Posted by: Lisa V | Saturday, July 16, 2005 at 01:40 PM
Oh god. That is so sad. I have no words for it. My heart goes out to that woman and her family.
To change the adoption after the fact--is that legal?
Posted by: Andrea | Saturday, July 16, 2005 at 01:49 PM
What a horrifying situation, and infuriating book! I just do not understand why contracts concerning open adoption and contact are not legally binding.
Lisa, I agree with you too, that it is so important to acknowledge and validate each individuals experience and feelings when talking about adoption. Like so much of life, there are many things we share and have in common, but in the end our experiences -- the way we go through this life and the feelings that come out of it -- are unique, and ours alone.
Posted by: Kristin | Saturday, July 16, 2005 at 03:08 PM
This is awful. Has anyone left a comment on Amazon telling this story?
People thinking of buying it should know the authors past.
Posted by: Emma | Monday, July 18, 2005 at 04:31 AM
Her name was Cindy Jordan. I knew her. To be clear, Cindy's adoption was never technically "closed".
You know what? I don't feel like talking about this right now. I have a post on my blog about it : http://stacyone.typepad.com/slices_ostacy/2005/04/i_know_we_have__1.html
Posted by: Stacy | Tuesday, July 19, 2005 at 08:38 AM