The End

I feel like I've been writing about adoption for days on end between unplublished posts and defensive emails left unsent. Today I spent most of the day writing the whole story, which I don't think exists in entirety on this blog. It got so long, and I couldn't do justice to the events, and I wasn't nearly finished, so I gave up. Maybe I'll post it later in installments. Maybe I'll save it for something else.

So many people wrote to me with support. It far outweighes any stress caused by the, ahem, more negative commenters. Every single comment left in support is incredibly valuable to me.

Actually, I have the negative commenters to thank for making my point for me.

I feel like I've made a tiny step forward for birthmothers, and that's worth all the trolls in the world.

It was acutally kind of funny to see some of the quoted text in those comments, because some of those words weren't mine, they were Jo's. And if they'd read it and followed the links, they would have seen her reconsideration. It's too bad their detective skills didn't lead them to this thread (I'm not the OP, by the way) which inspired the angry post in question, because they would have had a field day. That was quite possibly my most judgemental and intolerant phase. I've changed a lot since then.

So this will be my last post about this whole thing. And I'll probably take a small break from writing about adoption because, well, I'm a little sick of it. I'm about a lot more things than just adoption, you know :)

Comments

[Jo (leery polyp)]

"That was quite possibly my most judgemental and intolerant phase. I've changed a lot since then."

Me too. And me too again.

That reconsideration needed to be a hell of a lot more elaborate, too.

I'm glad you're getting support.

[getupgrrl]

Well, I for one was really pleased to see one of your commenters attempt to shame you by casting aspersion on your adolescent sexual experimentation. That was, for me, the apex of this whole exchange. Because really, the stereotype of "birthmother as slut who doesn't deserve to parent" isn't tired and offensive ENOUGH. I think we need to revive that destructive cliché by attacking your character, despite your ongoing attempts to share your complicated and nuanced feelings about adoption, to come to terms with your grief and loss, and to engage with infertile women in a heartfelt and humanizing way.

Personally, I plan to write "HOOR" on your front door in big block letters, and then talk in a loud voice about my family values.

[Running2Ks]

You are a class act. Thank you for the e-mail!

Shame it has come to an end, your last post had me actually beginning to like you. Your anger was gone, and instead what you should have shown in the beginning bashed its way through!

Yes, the system is corrupt in that it does not challenge the possibilities for a young mother when faced with an unexpectant pregnancy! Adoption is however, a very good solution for unwanted pregnancies.

For every birthmother who was backed into a corner and had no other option, I pledge my support alongside you, digging that tunnel with you, holding the hammer for you!

For the birthmother's who toss out the children after years of abusing them or allowing their boyfriend to abuse them, for the birthmother's who are looking for the glory of motherhood but with an 18 year relationship while someone else sits up with the ear infections, croup and snotty noses, and they float in and out on the designated days of the year, to the birthmother's who go on to have more children and neglect them or expose them to at risk behaviors, to all the broken families, and the foster children who drew near to that big ole age of 18, never knowing a family, never having felt loved -

IT is to these birthmother's I say - let's brand that Scarlet Letter on them forever !

In memory of Jah-Shanti for the woman she migh have been - I wish her mother had known adoption was an option!

http://www.nwae.org/c5321.html

[Andrea]

Right you are. Lots of other things.

Glad to see you back here and in better spirits.

[Marsha]

First time reader here, brought to you through the whole trackback thing. There's a lot more depth to what's going on than I've been able to process as the moment, but wanted to drop in quickly just to say that the OP at that, true enough, "granolafied and sanctimonious" message board is a poster that I have had on my ignore list there for eons. She is well-known across the board as being a crazed, hateful lunatic interested only in inflicting the most possible pain to the greatest number of people.

Anyway, I'm glad I stumbled upon you here. Looking forward to reading more.

[Lioness]

This post will make me beloved, see if I care. I think you're brave, very brave. I am not infertile as far as I know but I've been reading IF blogs for months now, have become friends with some women and grown to care for a lot of them. But I often come across a double standard in some blogs and comments. You are not allowed to diss adoption but infertiles are allowed to diss pregnant women. You are not allowed to say "What abt me, no one cares abt the birthmother" (true) but they are allowed to say "No one cares abt infertility and how we feel" (also true) Many react to you as so many fertiles react to THEM - have some learnt nothing?

And God forbid we should criticise Tertia, what a sin! I find it amazing that people will offend you to defend her bcs a) Tertia is fully capable of fighting her own battles and b) she genuinely cares abt others' feelings and is never less than courteous - as this all proved once again. And women come in here and berate you for writing abt what you want in YOUR blog, saying that that was HER blog and she has a right to. Am I mad or do we have a double standard here, again?

As I said, this is your blog and true, the birthmother's side is nowadays the least known. I too am learning. I am very happy to see women supporting you and understanding what you said. And yes, very, very brave.