Back to the Start

I started this blog to write about my experience of open adoption. It could still have been defined as open at the time although it had already disappointed my own expectations of what "openness" meant. And after that devastating letter six years ago, and the aftermath that followed, it would be better described as a closed adoption. 

Gradually those feelings and that pain shrank into the corners of my mind. The drama of Miriam's birth, the subsequent disintegration of my marriage, and my own post-divorce rumspringa  took up all of my emotional resources. And now, I hardly think of E at all. I have moved far enough away from the pain of her loss that I have to do some quick math in my head to remember how old she is (13 on Thursday). By some people's definition this would make me a success story. I have enjoyed a few years of peace. I have taken a vacation from the pain. This is the luxury a closed adoption can afford. 

Events of this past year, while having absolutely nothing to do with her, have made me revisit the lessons open adoption taught me. "I am leaning toward letting the door close. I have my own mental health to think of. I don't want to be bent into shapes that fit around their insecurities, I don't want that responsibility on my shoulders anymore." Reopening that wound led to the irritation of other wounds. Her age, also, makes me wonder whether now might be a time when she needs her first mother. And for the first time in three years, I'm considering contacting her. Nothing intrusive, just a birthday card. Something to tell her, yes, I'm still here. I'm still listening. I haven't forgotten.

Comments

[Lilian]

I hope you send that card.

[jesspond]

Oh yes, do! Do send it. Really, I think you should. I know it's an easy thing for me to say because our adoption is more open than most and so it KILLS me from all sides for there to be NO contact (actually, we are having extremely similar issues to THIS with bio dad and his kids and that kills me too for them and for Ava). I think a card especially can be a great thing....a "you can can get ahold of me if you want" kind of opening. You're right....it's a tough age and she could be (or might not be) questioning things. But if she's NOT questioning, it'll be a nice card and a reminder that you care. If she IS questioning, it could be just what she needs.

[jesspond]

Oh, and I want to add a PS....

I say don't even think about her adoptive parents and what they'll think. She's old enough to mostly leave them out of the equation if it's simple things like this. If they didn't want to deal with things as simple as a CARD on a BIRTHDAY....they shouldn't have adopted, or probably even HAD kids. So screw that part in case you're thinking of it at all.

[Jessie]

Honestly, I really don't think that you should. At this age, what she needs is her mother...and giving birth to her alone doesn't make you that person. You closed that door, whatever reasons and corners you were trapped into, you still did- and it will cause nothing but emotional harm to her to reopen it for your own selfishness and desire to be 'needed'. You're not.

[Kateri]

Your manners are atrocious, Jessie.

And I don't think it's much of a stretch to think that a girl in the throes of puberty might be curious about when her period might come, or how her body might change.

[Linda]

Oh, my...Jessie sounds like either a threatened adoptress or a foggy adoptee.

Guess what- I would have KILLED to have had contact with my first mother. And even at the age of 45, I STILL need my Mother. Not my adoptive mother, my FIRST Mother.

I say send it. Whether or not her adopters give it to her is another story. Send it via registered mail if you can. That way you will have proof that you at least tried.

[Oneinchofgrace.wordpress.com]

I am an adoptive parent and I hope you send it. I really value the contact that we have with certain members of our children's first family.

[Kim]

I hope you send the card.

Glad to see you back here!

XOXO

[TB]

Man, I have an uncanny knack for knowing when people start blogging again. You just popped into my mind, I have not checked here for ages. And - thereyougo.

Glad to see you back. You are a REALLY good writer and have so much to say. Please do keep writing, and if you write somewhere other than here, link a bitch, willya?

[tab]

Send it. I am an adoptive mother who doesn't have contact with birth family as they don't want it. I want my daughter to known her other mother and where she came from and really I want her to know that there are so many people who love her so much. How can that be wrong?

[ALH]

I am an adoptive mother in a fairly open adoption -- we live in different states, and my (our) daughter is only 2, but I keep the connection as open as possible. It fluctuates on both sides for a variety of reasons but, no matter what, I want my daughter to GET IT that her first mother loves her and cares about her life and her future. It's the truth, and she should know it.

To that end, I say send the card. I hope she receives it -- 13 is a big birthday! -- and I especially hope that the adults in her life are mature enough to handle it.

[ALH]

Oops! And, I'm an idiot, because I just noticed this post is from January. Sorry! I haven't been checking in since you stopped blogging for a while and stopped by today and got all excited and did not look at the dates. Did I mention I have a toddler...? Who makes me very tired and dumb...?

[Chaz Elban]

Thanks so much for sharing - I enjoyed perusing your posts.

Chaz

http://www.adoptioniguide.com

[writing jobs]

it's okay to start from scratch it is okay for us to be molded and better.