Equinox

There are ten bags of trash on my sidewalk today. I am chucking literal and metaphorical shit out the door. Again.

I've come to the point where I can't believe in my own transformation because I've made the effort so many times before. How many times have I shucked off the excess only to gather it around me again more quickly than I could have imagined?

Something feels different this time but I am quick to downplay the significance. I am tired of disappointing myself. I am tired of letting down the people who dare to have faith in me.

My house has been such a catastrophic mess that the last week has been soaked in bleach and loss. I've cleaned messes that I can't even tell you about. I've let go of accumulated clutter I've collected for years, sentimental perhaps, but excessive and unnecessary.

I have finally come to that breaking point where I must remake myself or die. I know that sounds dramatic. I can't go on in the way I've been; there needs to be a fundamental shift. My default setting seems to be self-destruction and someday I will know why that is. Not right now. Right now I need to get things together, for me, for my babies, for everyone who loves me. Self-destruction is an indulgence I can't afford. Through the diligent practice of building (rather than destroying) I may discover why I have always been so driven toward self-sabotage. That is the only way I will ever find the answer.

I have done this before. I have been on the brink before. Maybe not this particular cliff in this specific location, but I have been close enough to the precipice of so many cliffs that I know what it takes to direct myself back to safe ground. I have done this before and I know I am capable.

Every time you come to a cliff it seems like the steepest, the most treacherous, the most irresistible. That's just perspective. This cliff is no different than others I have already conquered. It is just a cliff; the only thing I need to do is walk in the right direction.

Comments

[JessPond]

good luck!

[Lilian]

I know you do. I wish I could help somehow, I really do.

[Rebekah]

Know the place. Visited it many times. Sending you good energy dear.

[Rachel]

Been. There. Done. That.

Sigh...

Really, really feeling ya right now. Glad you updated the blog. Sending good energy your way, Kateri.

[Celeste]

Sad to say, there's a lot of that going around.

I'm glad you updated because I needed to know I'm not the only one who needs to turn it around, and I do. Badly.

[HeatherRainbow]

Random visit. I have experienced a similar place before. Many times. I hope that you are remaking yourself as beautiful as your inner light is. You do have great strength, intelligence, and kindness. I've read your blog a lot over the years, as I've gone through my own metamorphosis.

((hugs))

[mr big dicks hot chicks]

I thought you might want to know what my hair looks like now. Voila. It's blue. And magenta. And green.

[mr big dicks hot chicks]

I thought you might want to know what my hair looks like now. Voila. It's blue. And magenta. And green.

[Nursing tops]

im glad that you've updated the blog. wow! we missed you? how are you right now? hope your fine. take care and good luck!

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honestly, i don't really understand what Burqa means? i tried to research on it and it is actually use from muslims right?

[free essays]

feeling ya right now. Glad you updated hope your fine. take care and good luck!

[gorras new york]

¡Qué emoción al leer este post! Este año será realmente un regalo de cumpleaños más memorable. Felicidades por tu hermosa * casa * y desearle muchos, muchos años se llena de felicidad y amor. :-)