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Thursday, March 19, 2009

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JessPond

Kateri, you always break my heart. I know that wasn't even the POINT of this post, it just still does.

I do think that adoption is something that is valid (obviously) but to be honest--the more I read, the more I'm thankful that we ended up with our daughter and her birthfamily and THIS situation. Because I think that while Rachel has said that it does cause her pain, and has been honest about this (I believe!), the openness as directed by her helps a lot. I also think that having extended family involved in Ava's life is good for her and for Ava (and us). I also think that her reasons for placing Ava with us (mostly the fact that she felt she coudln't give her the things she wanted to because of having a child with health issues and no support) make it so that she is still glad (in a way, obviously, because, hello, "glad?" but that's what she says, not my words.) that this was her decision. Because that doesn't end at some point. He will always have those difficulties, and it may always be hard to handle.

I think that there are ways to do an adoption right, but that it's not often done that way. I dont' know why adoptive parents are too often (imo) more concerned with their feelings and WANTS than the needs of the child (and his/her birthfamily). I don't know why we as adoptive parents often are immature and uneducated GOING IN. I feel as if IF I COULD BE COMPASSIONATE in my EARLY FREAKING TWENTIES, why can't adoptive parents who are MOSTLY OLDER be the same? It drives me BATTY that so many of us are big assholes who "don't want to deal" with birthfamilies or think it's not important for a child to know her roots. I mean COME ON, how woudl it feel if it was OUR family? OUR history? OUR PRESENT. Ugh.

I think that it WILL be a trauma for more than one person involved. But I also think that it can be a GOOD decision for some. However, as a soon-to-be-aunt to a baby who was DECIDEDLY unplanned and whose mother is DECIDEDLY young, I also am more than willing to help out a mother who needs assistance and decides to PARENT her baby.

I just think that...if we as adoptive parents are willing to say that adoption is good, we should BACK IT UP. Support the family who gave you your child, be there for them, don't run away from the good stuff OR the bad stuff. It's as simple as this, for me...when I married my husband, I took him as my family....I promised to love him forever, but I ALSO promised to take his family into mine. And I can't just ditch them because I dont' want to deal with them (nor woudl I want to!). When I said yes, I would parent Ava, when I agreed to that...I took her into my family as my daughter, but I also took the responsibility to BE THERE for her other mother, her siblings, and her other father. THEY are HER family and THEY are MY family because of that. I can't just DITCH them because it might one day be inconvenient to have them hanging around. You know?

Makes me crazy. And long winded.

Superlagirl

I liked the post and most of the comments. I just hope that the commenters who said they had never before considered that point of view will treat the exploitation of birth mothers as its own issue in need of action, rather than just a GOTCHA! in debates with anti-choicers. Too much to ask, you think?

Auburn

I'm so glad that post is making the rounds.

I have a colleague who just found out her 19 year old daughter is pregnant. She's hoping she'll place him/her for adoption. I am feeling an overwhelming desire to send her these posts. I think she really believes that her daughter would just be able to move on like nothing happened. Or at least that is what she keeps saying.

Wasabi

Auburn I'm quite sure that's what she thinks. I know it's what my mom thought. She has found it very inconvenient over the years to have to face that she was horribly wrong and wrong to pressure me to this path.

I give a huge ditto to this post and the original that spawned it. I also have experienced adoption and abortion. For me the abortion came after the adoptions and I never looked back. Maybe those first couple of months if I got too drunk I felt bad but that was with a life-time of abortion=murder conditioning to overcome. I never felt more certain about any choice I made and it's not something that keeps me up at night at all. The adoptions are the sleeping monster indeed.

Cedar

"It's a huge problem that the only information about the consequences of placing a child for adoption are mostly anecdotal.

Luckily, only "mostly." And the problem is that the adoption industry and society have both ignored us for ages, and what little attention they do pay to us is often in the form of considering us to be sources of babies.

Example: For my masters thesis, I got copies of every single peer-reviewed (academic) journal article I could find published over the last 30 year on the subject of natural mothers. I found 99. I got copies of 91. Of these 91, 32 had as a primary theme the issue of how to obtain more babies for adoption. They studied us to find this out, what would persuade, pressure, coerce, or influence us.

However, there were studies on the consequences of surrender. I have compiled the results on a page at http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_trauma_to_mothers.html. It's not much, but it is something.

mijk

I am dutch we do n't do much domestic adoptions we do have abortions (but also good sex edyucation and vbirth control available). When some politician wanted adoption to more of option for woman who not wanted to parent so manu women in their 60's and 70's I know went mad. They all knew people screwed up by adoption.

My very catholic and former infertile mother in law told me she was so disturbed becauser woman should never be forced to give their children away.

I do think abortion should be a choice and adoption could broaden the perspective for pregnant women.But the fear and anger of the older generation was mindblowing..

Jenna

i am a birth grandmother and when my 20 year old daughter was considering adoption, it about killed me. Ultimately, she placed her baby for adoption in an open adoption but the pain is so incredible despite a wonderful adoptive family.
i too get almost sick when people start talking about living with adoption verses living with abortion and how somehow living with abortion would be worse.
I am a Christian and in theory i suppose i believe choosing life is the "right" thing....i think.
several have touched on the issue of the lack of support for birth mothers. this has been one of the surprises for me. No mentoring programs for birth mom's...no ministries that support birth mom's....people who might offer to help the birth mom get out of bed in the morning...ask them what they feel too overwhelmed to do, (things like eat lunch, go to the grocery, get back in school, etc.) Nope, according to the world and prolifers, these birthmooms are supposed to just jump right back into life. In reality, their lives are forever changed in the most profound way. Every breath, every relationship, experience, etc. is looked at differently and the birthmom's life is forever changed.
Tough stuff.

Trish

I placed my son 26 years ago and then years later, 2 abortions. Just felt like I sent those 2 straight back to heaven for them to try again. after 20 years, a miscarage and then my 6 year old daughter. When I brought her home I had nightmares that "they" were going to take her. I didn't know how to bond to her. When she was 18 mo. I got divorced, was a 38 yr. old single mom on welfare. Damn, If I wanted to do that I could of kept the first one. Just got a call from the adoption agency, he's looking for me. Insted of being excited it mostly brought up the hate, anger and anguish that I went through at their hands. If I had to do it all over, abstinence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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