OK, Adoption

Adoption has not been in the front of my mind lately, partly because my mental waiting room is spilling over with other things needing my attention and partly because I've aired so many of my feelings through this blog. but then Jo linked to this post at Shakesville and as I read it I felt the need to respond line by line, because some of the things she said really can't be reiterated enough. The italicized text is hers, not mine.

1. "I have given a baby up for adoption, and I have had an abortion, and while anecdotes are not evidence, I can assert that abortions may or may not cause depression - it certainly did not in me, apart from briefly mourning the path not taken - but adoption? That is an entirely different matter. I don't doubt that there are women who were fine after adoption, and there is emphatically nothing wrong with that or with them; but I want to point out that if we're going to have a seemingly neverending discussion about the sorrow and remorse caused by abortion, then it is about goddamn time that we hear from birth mothers too.

Believe me when I say that of the two choices, it was adoption that nearly destroyed me - and it never ends. The only comparison I have is the death of a loved one. The pain retreats, maybe fades, but it comes right back if I poke at it...There is no such thing as "over" with this.

Also having experienced an abortion and an adoption, I can echo this point. It drives me crazy that the people who trumpet the emotional consequences of having an abortion are often the same people who tout adoption as the answer to the "problem"* of crisis pregnancy.

I had an abortion after a gray-rape kind of experience when I was 16. (And I am now apologizing to the members of my family who may read this from my facebook page and didn't know it already). While it was certainly harrowing, it was finite. I'm sorry it had to happen, but I have no qualms over the decision I made. It was the right one. End of story.

Adoption, as I've written and as she states on Shakesville, is more of a chronic condition than a trauma that heals eventually. I am fortunate that I am in a period where this monster is sleeping. But when E surfaces again the pain will be just as intense as it has ever been. The body doesn't forget, and she was part of my body. And there is the other issue of her reaction to my decision, and the lifelong consequences she will experience. This is a loss that keeps on losing.

*"Problem" being a relative condition relating more to the structure of our society than the universal unfitness of women who get pregnant without the requisite cultural rubber stamps. Teenagers can be good mothers too. Some 40 years olds have no business making babies. You really can't generalize.

2. "Birth mothers are a demographic seldom heard from, and then generally only in the context of how soon they want to "replace" their lost child. This is a huge WTF to me. I went into a self-destructive tailspin for over a decade, and never once thought that maybe a new doll would do the trick...I'd spend so long hovering on the edge of suicide, desperately trying to find some way to deal with an all-consuming pain I had no idea even existed. I had never needed help so badly, and I doubt I ever will again. I've known a lot of birth mothers, and I consider myself lucky; I'm less broken than many of them, somehow. Maybe it's because I never did get any kind of therapy. I couldn't find any that didn't make me feel inhuman"

Count me among those who had the urge to replace what was lost, or to restore the ruptured motherhood.

Back when I was first exploring the online world of birthparent support on various message boards, I saw that a pattern seemed to develop. Birthmothers either had many children right away, or never had another child. While there were those in the middle ground (where I would eventually land, having two children several years post-placement) the majority seemed to fall on the extremes.

I think what made the difference for me, why I felt the urge to have more children, is because I had always seen myself as becoming a mother one day, and by placing E for adoption I was only delaying babies in favor of things that I thought were more important at the time, like travel (FAIL!) and education (EPIC FAIL!).

Many women have no desire for motherhood, and placing a child ultimately doesn't change that.

It is important to see that in this passage she tells us that even when motherhood is not desired at all, the emotional consequences can be just as severe. Birthmothers suffer a debilitating wound with chronic consequences, which no one, even therapists, can understand. We are stranded, and we must find sense and healing on our own.

Which leads nicely into:

3. "I've googled over the years about the psychological aftereffects of giving up a baby, and what little I found is astonishing. Depression and suicide rates ridiculously high, comparable to PTSD - and beyond a shadow of a doubt, there is no way you can cook any post-abortion trauma study to come anywhere near post-adoption trauma levels. Strange how peer-reviewed studies on this are damn near non-existent; strange how nobody mentions any of this when it's not just your mind on the line, but also that of your kid or kids (more on that later)."

It's a huge problem that the only information about the consequences of placing a child for adoption are mostly anecdotal. Not only does it make supprt hard to find and help hard to justify, it an easy device for those who would like to minimize our experiences. If it was important, it would have been studied, right?

I have a hunch that if it were studied, it would be an undeniable truth that far, far more women are crippled by placing than who skate through like Juno, and women like me would cease to be seen as the embittered anomaly. It would cause a paradigm shift in our cultural view of adoption ("how wonderful! the best thing for everyone!") and adoption industry practices that are now accepted as normal would be seen for what they truly are: manipulative and abusive. Ouch!

Also, for myself and on the behalf of the other women who've been doggedly blogging this topic for years now, I am annoyed that the title of this post on Shakesville includes the phrase "Breaking the Silence". We've broken the silence repeatedly. When will people start to listen??

That's enough for now. As always, I welcome any discussion on this topic.

Comments

[JessPond]

Kateri, you always break my heart. I know that wasn't even the POINT of this post, it just still does.

I do think that adoption is something that is valid (obviously) but to be honest--the more I read, the more I'm thankful that we ended up with our daughter and her birthfamily and THIS situation. Because I think that while Rachel has said that it does cause her pain, and has been honest about this (I believe!), the openness as directed by her helps a lot. I also think that having extended family involved in Ava's life is good for her and for Ava (and us). I also think that her reasons for placing Ava with us (mostly the fact that she felt she coudln't give her the things she wanted to because of having a child with health issues and no support) make it so that she is still glad (in a way, obviously, because, hello, "glad?" but that's what she says, not my words.) that this was her decision. Because that doesn't end at some point. He will always have those difficulties, and it may always be hard to handle.

I think that there are ways to do an adoption right, but that it's not often done that way. I dont' know why adoptive parents are too often (imo) more concerned with their feelings and WANTS than the needs of the child (and his/her birthfamily). I don't know why we as adoptive parents often are immature and uneducated GOING IN. I feel as if IF I COULD BE COMPASSIONATE in my EARLY FREAKING TWENTIES, why can't adoptive parents who are MOSTLY OLDER be the same? It drives me BATTY that so many of us are big assholes who "don't want to deal" with birthfamilies or think it's not important for a child to know her roots. I mean COME ON, how woudl it feel if it was OUR family? OUR history? OUR PRESENT. Ugh.

I think that it WILL be a trauma for more than one person involved. But I also think that it can be a GOOD decision for some. However, as a soon-to-be-aunt to a baby who was DECIDEDLY unplanned and whose mother is DECIDEDLY young, I also am more than willing to help out a mother who needs assistance and decides to PARENT her baby.

I just think that...if we as adoptive parents are willing to say that adoption is good, we should BACK IT UP. Support the family who gave you your child, be there for them, don't run away from the good stuff OR the bad stuff. It's as simple as this, for me...when I married my husband, I took him as my family....I promised to love him forever, but I ALSO promised to take his family into mine. And I can't just ditch them because I dont' want to deal with them (nor woudl I want to!). When I said yes, I would parent Ava, when I agreed to that...I took her into my family as my daughter, but I also took the responsibility to BE THERE for her other mother, her siblings, and her other father. THEY are HER family and THEY are MY family because of that. I can't just DITCH them because it might one day be inconvenient to have them hanging around. You know?

Makes me crazy. And long winded.

[Superlagirl]

I liked the post and most of the comments. I just hope that the commenters who said they had never before considered that point of view will treat the exploitation of birth mothers as its own issue in need of action, rather than just a GOTCHA! in debates with anti-choicers. Too much to ask, you think?

[Auburn]

I'm so glad that post is making the rounds.

I have a colleague who just found out her 19 year old daughter is pregnant. She's hoping she'll place him/her for adoption. I am feeling an overwhelming desire to send her these posts. I think she really believes that her daughter would just be able to move on like nothing happened. Or at least that is what she keeps saying.

[Wasabi]

Auburn I'm quite sure that's what she thinks. I know it's what my mom thought. She has found it very inconvenient over the years to have to face that she was horribly wrong and wrong to pressure me to this path.

I give a huge ditto to this post and the original that spawned it. I also have experienced adoption and abortion. For me the abortion came after the adoptions and I never looked back. Maybe those first couple of months if I got too drunk I felt bad but that was with a life-time of abortion=murder conditioning to overcome. I never felt more certain about any choice I made and it's not something that keeps me up at night at all. The adoptions are the sleeping monster indeed.

[Cedar]

"It's a huge problem that the only information about the consequences of placing a child for adoption are mostly anecdotal.

Luckily, only "mostly." And the problem is that the adoption industry and society have both ignored us for ages, and what little attention they do pay to us is often in the form of considering us to be sources of babies.

Example: For my masters thesis, I got copies of every single peer-reviewed (academic) journal article I could find published over the last 30 year on the subject of natural mothers. I found 99. I got copies of 91. Of these 91, 32 had as a primary theme the issue of how to obtain more babies for adoption. They studied us to find this out, what would persuade, pressure, coerce, or influence us.

However, there were studies on the consequences of surrender. I have compiled the results on a page at http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_trauma_to_mothers.html. It's not much, but it is something.

[mijk]

I am dutch we do n't do much domestic adoptions we do have abortions (but also good sex edyucation and vbirth control available). When some politician wanted adoption to more of option for woman who not wanted to parent so manu women in their 60's and 70's I know went mad. They all knew people screwed up by adoption.

My very catholic and former infertile mother in law told me she was so disturbed becauser woman should never be forced to give their children away.

I do think abortion should be a choice and adoption could broaden the perspective for pregnant women.But the fear and anger of the older generation was mindblowing..

[Jenna]

i am a birth grandmother and when my 20 year old daughter was considering adoption, it about killed me. Ultimately, she placed her baby for adoption in an open adoption but the pain is so incredible despite a wonderful adoptive family.
i too get almost sick when people start talking about living with adoption verses living with abortion and how somehow living with abortion would be worse.
I am a Christian and in theory i suppose i believe choosing life is the "right" thing....i think.
several have touched on the issue of the lack of support for birth mothers. this has been one of the surprises for me. No mentoring programs for birth mom's...no ministries that support birth mom's....people who might offer to help the birth mom get out of bed in the morning...ask them what they feel too overwhelmed to do, (things like eat lunch, go to the grocery, get back in school, etc.) Nope, according to the world and prolifers, these birthmooms are supposed to just jump right back into life. In reality, their lives are forever changed in the most profound way. Every breath, every relationship, experience, etc. is looked at differently and the birthmom's life is forever changed.
Tough stuff.

[Trish]

I placed my son 26 years ago and then years later, 2 abortions. Just felt like I sent those 2 straight back to heaven for them to try again. after 20 years, a miscarage and then my 6 year old daughter. When I brought her home I had nightmares that "they" were going to take her. I didn't know how to bond to her. When she was 18 mo. I got divorced, was a 38 yr. old single mom on welfare. Damn, If I wanted to do that I could of kept the first one. Just got a call from the adoption agency, he's looking for me. Insted of being excited it mostly brought up the hate, anger and anguish that I went through at their hands. If I had to do it all over, abstinence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!