me: hi there.
other me: so what have you been up to?
me:oh, the usual...trying to keep my world from falling apart,
other me: oh the drama...
me: forget duct tape. right now I'm holding everything together with rubber checks and grandiosity. and plans, i have a plan. this one makes a lot more sense than "get discovered, become rich and famous in time to fix the roof".
other me: I'm so tired of hearing about your plans. you're full of them, you know. you're all talk.
me: but this one's a good one! i swear.
other me: okay. one last time, i'll listen.
other me: this better be good.
me: i promise. this one might actually work.
other me: i'm not getting any younger...
me: okay! i'm going to cosmetology school!
other me: (long pause) how will you deal with the weightlessness?
me: very funny. my dad already made that joke.
other me: of course he did.
me: I've already been accepted! I'm starting in November!
other me: don't make me go all Grease 2 on you. In a few months we'll all be singing a different tune... "beauty school dropout...who wants their hair done by a slob..." At least this failure will have a funny soundtrack.
other me: true. you do love to play with sharp shiny things. remember when you were in high school and you used to cut you arms up and drink the blood in an attempt to become an anne rice vampire?
me: diversionary tactics won't work this time. and i love the hair coloring too! when's the last time my hair was the same color for more than a month?
other me: it was last summer right before your cousin got married when you had an itch to do something crazy but held off and kept your hair natural until after the wedding...
me: oh, can it. you know what i mean.
other me: isn't that why you have that weird mole on your scalp that you keep thinking is Merkel cell cancer? all those hair coloring chemicals?
me: oh, right...
other me: i hear hypochondria is on it's way back, you know. just in time for you to die of something real!
me: stop it! hypochondria is a reaction to the stresses I'm enduring as i face the messes I've made with my life and attempt to clean it up! hypochondria is what happens when i try to change! It's my unhealthy sense of fatalism, that now that I'm taking responsibility for my life I'm going to lose it! I'm od-ing on irony! that's all!
other me: you keep telling yourself that.
me: you are totally ruining this for me! i hate you.
other me: that's healthy. go ahead, hate yourself. and you said diversionary tactics won't work this time. ha!
me: you can try to ruin this for me all you want. I'm only writing this so I can ask the local internets if they would please consider accepting a free haircut from me at some point in the next year because i have to provide a certain number of actual people to learn on.
other me: is that the only reason you wrote this you narcissistic attention whore?
me: Actually, no! I'm also writing this because I'm really happy and excited and i wanted to share the news that at some point in the future I'll be making actual money at an actual job that I think I'll be really good at! And i won't be a total fuck up anymore.
other me: you'll always be a total fuckup. Don't kid yourself.
me: seriosuly? do you have to be so predictible? how old are you, 12? if i have to have a devil on my shoulder they better have better put-downs that that.