Pregnant Teens

Look among the pregnancy books in your local bookstore, and imagine you are a pregnant teen. Everything is geared toward those women who get pregnant on purpose, or if it wasn't on purpose, it was not unwelcome. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, for you.

If you are a pregnant teen, the messages are in chorus: you are ruining your life and the life of your child.  This no choice you would want to visit upon yourself or anyone you love. This is a one-way ticket to poverty and hardship and life without possibility.

The sources that contradict this message are few. Girlmom and Ariel Gore will spill the secrets of teenage motherhood, how it can be a good thing, something to celebrate, something to revel in. A challenge that makes you a better person, that can actually help, rather than hinder, the achievement of your goals.

And now there's another resource. Hope, Joy and a few little thoughts by Rachel Brignoni not only dispels the myth that teenage motherhood will spell the end of yourself (she went on to earn her degree and work at a Fortune 100 company) but offers, as the title says, hope and joy to those in a crisis pregnancy.

Her message is a valuable one. "In an effort to decrease teenage pregnancy, most campaigns stress associated poverty, hardship and limited opportunities for success" she writes. "These messages are intended to prevent teenage pregnancy, but offer little hope for those who become pregnant."

Teenage pregnancies are as natural as rain, as the wind. There is no preventing them completely. It is irresponsible for us as a society to dismiss and shame teenage mothers. They can, and do, make good mothers, in this culture and in many others.

She goes on to write: "The lasting effect of these messages can weaken your power, so I encourage you to disregard them immediately...It is critical to let go of disparaging thoughts and find new hope that will result in love and support. these new messages will be vital in empowering yourself."

And she hits it exactly: when encountering a pregnant teenager, instead of thinking of the loving couple she can benefit by aborting her own motherhood, we should focus on enabling her own empowerment.

Needing support does not disqualify a woman from deserving her child. The most prepared and mature mothers still need support. Children cannot, and should not, be raised in a vaccuum. It may be trite, but it really does take a village. We can all be the village.

Comments

[Casey]

"aborting her own motherhood"

Wow. I am immediately adding this phrase to my list of Things To Say to Crazy Prolifers Who Push Relinquishment as a "Life-Affirming" Alternative to Abortion.

You are an amazing writer, Kateri.

[Amie]

Thank you for this...I think teen pregnancy can be a wonderful thing...unfortunately there aren't many out there like me.

I was 17, and it was chanted at me every day that I was too young. I didn't give my baby up but I don't have the bond I think I would have had with him if I'd just had some positive reinforcement rather than negative comments along with people "taking over" care of him.

I hope our society can change so that sons and daughters can create that special bond with their moms without all the backlash!

[jesspond]

I think that if there was more support and less stereotype, things would be a lot better.

That said, while teenagers CAN and sometimes DO (The godfather of my children, actually, had a baby at 16 and is a wonderful father) make awesome parents and should be encouraged to make their decisions based on THEIR OWN FEELINGS and thoughts....sometimes it really isn't possible for a teen to raise a baby. If our friend hadn't had the support of friends and family, he likely couldn't have done it.

Of course, that's what needs to change. Although with society the way it is, it's best for teens just to NOT get pregnant, though as you said...it WILL happen. For sure.

I think that like with everything, people need to remember that there are no absolutes. EVERY teen shoudln't parent and EVERY teen shouldn't choose adoption.

Boy, though...looking back I'm sort of happy that our birthfamily was a couple of adults (older than us) who were less likely to fall prey to suggestions that they couldn't and intead be thinking with their own hearts and minds.

Somtimes adoption can be good...but it's not the choice for everyone with an unplanned pregnancy. It would do everyone on all sides good to just have a little more compassion.

[Lilian]

Excellent post, I'm glad to hear about this book! I second what Casey said.

[heather]

Thanks for this, Kateri.
I was a pregnant teenager, though I didn't quite fit the mold. As least I has finished high school, some college, and I was already married. that didn't mean that the process wasn't devastating or humiliating. I was a teenager who finished my first two years of college by 17, what was aI thinking getting married...then, gasp, getting pregnant.
I had a nurse prationer, one who had heard my whole story of no sex before marriage, he's the only one, oops, we're pregnant, question the paternity of the baby, in fron tof my husband, when explaining RH negative blod types to us. Would she have done that if I wasn't under 20 years old? Never. I had people give us ugly stares walking down the street. I had people make "under their rbeath" comments about pregnant kids, when I was in the grocery store. When I wasn't with my husband, I had a little old man tell me " oh, where's the father? He's probably ashamed. I got a girl pregnant when I was 16, and I wouldn't be seen with her because I was ashamed." N oone would ever say that to someone that they say worthy of respect. As a "child" I wasn't worthy of respect.
Despite how much I knew I wanted to raise that child, how much I had always wanted to raise a child, and how loving my husband was ( still is), there were moments when all of the things people said made me sure that the best solution was to place that baby up for adoption. Thank God I never discussed it with anyone else. Thank God, ti was something that I dealt with, alone, on all of those eleepless, pregnant night. Despite the fact that I had every potential to be an excellent mother, i am confident that had I ever made it as far as to an adoption couselor, I wouldn't have my little boy.
So, yeah, I was a teenaged mom. Yeah, everyone thought I was ruining my life. But you know what... I am damn good at this, and it has taken me a lot to admit that.
I still feel that pressure to go above and beyond to prove the sterotypes wrong, but maybe that is a benefit, too.
Thank you so much for bringing attentio nto this. It is helping me to recognize my responsibility to other young moms.

[abby]

Why is the word "crisis" always paired with "teenage pregnancy"? It just sets them up for failure. Before a young girl can even decide how she feels about the situation the whole world is already labeling the situation as a crisis. It's not a crisis. It changes your life, yes, but not always (and not often) for the worst. A crisis pregnancy is one that is life-threatening - an etopic (sp?) pregnancy is a crisis. A mother going into labor 3 months early is a crisis.

A young girl, who wants her baby, is capable of caring for it and has support is not a crisis.

[Lisa V]

I asked Mallory the other day how many girls were pregnant in her high school. Back in the early 80's, there were at least 6 I can name my senior year alone.

She thought there was one girl, a senior, who she didn't know. There are 1600 students in her school. I couldn't believe there weren't more visibly pregnant students. It turns out that most of them choose to go the alternate program for pregnant or parenting teens. They aren't required, but most go. I think it's great that girls have a resource like that, but I wonder if it sends a message to the teens in the regular high school that pregnancy is bad, and you should be hidden, and your regular life is over.

I'm not saying that I don't acknowledge that in many ways your regular life drastically changes. I don't think being a teen mother is the optimum experience of either motherhood or being a teenager. But I do think it can be managed for many girls and boys, and we shouldn't paint it black or white.

[HeatherRainbow]

yey for empowerment and villages!!

[Sam]

It reminds me of not teaching about using condoms or other birth control and preaching abstinence instead. So the person that has sex doesn't have the knowledge they need to make good decisions.

[Leta]

"It is irresponsible for us as a society to dismiss and shame teenage mothers."

Hear, hear! This is something I have felt for a very long time, but you were able to put it succinctly, and I thank you.

My mom was a teenager when I was born, my husband was a teenager when my stepson was born, and my "dirty little secret" is that I wish I would have been YOUNGER, yes younger, when my daughter was born. I was 27.

Teenagers can, and very frequently do, make wonderful parents.

Most of the arguments against teenage parenthood are economic ones, and the notion that only rich people deserve children is one that I, and probably most people, find offensive in the extreme.

[Oceans]

Teenagers who choose parent is a complicated topic. It's easy to say they can and provided positive reinforcement but the reality is, it's hard as heck!! Stereotypes aside, statistically, the odds are stacked against them.

Education, education, education is the best answer I can come up with. Many teen parents don't finish HS. They don't have the parenting skills, access to support systems or know who or how to ask for help.

I am a birthmom (placed at age 17). A family member (also 17) just placed. I was amazed at the number of people who told her she should parent for no other reason then she could (we supported her).

Well, that’s all well & good but no one was telling her HOW to parent or the commitment involved. She should parent because she loved her baby. The end….

I found that a bit irresponsible. Too many teens find themselves over their head. I point to the foster care system as evidence.

I’m not anti-parenting or anti-adoption. It’s so different for everyone. I’m pro-choice. I’ll read these books. I would love to have a resource to offer an expectant teen mom that helped her to make an educated choice about her and her child’s future.

There’s too much a stake to make the parenting decision in the absence of information (IMO).

Great blog… Thanks

[Kim]

Thank you for this. My daughter had a baby at 16, at 18, she's already graduated, enrolled in college, working, and my grandbaby is the absolute light of my life.
Do I wish her life had turned out different? Sometimes, but things are really, really good right now and for that, I am grateful.

[Secret To Pregnancy]

It seems like teen pregnancy is very common now and not looked down upon like it used to be.

[shirley]

I agree a pregnant teenager should receive love and support when they are pregnant but a lot of teens don't have money or sympathy and should be taught to take precautions.
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I’m not anti-parenting or anti-adoption. It’s so different for everyone. I’m pro-choice. I’ll read these books. I would love to have a resource to offer an expectant teen mom that helped her to make an educated choice about her and her child’s future.

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