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Monday, February 25, 2008

Comments

suz

Bravo.

Andrea

You're standing up for them because no one else is. If everyone else cared about them, they wouldn't need standing up for.

AmericanFamily

The thing is, there have been teenage mothers as long as motherhood has existed. It is such a recently created stigma, but it seems to have such crazy staying power.

My mom was 17 when I was born and I can't imagine a better mother. I also can't imagine my mother without the shame she always carried just for having me. I wish I could have known her as the woman she would have been without that shame.

jesspond

I think it's crazy that teen motherhood is SUCH a crime. Sure. A lot of teens nowadays are perhaps NOT ready to be moms...but a lot of older people are eqully unready.

You know, if people were "allowed" to want to get pregnant earlier in life instead of people looking down on young mothers, there'd be a lot less infertility, imo.

People should be careful about getting pregnant...because it IS a big responsibility to raise a child and it SHOULDN'T be taken lightly. But nothing should be across the board...ALL teens are not incapable of being wonderful, loving parents.

Karen

Your words do make a difference. I can't tell you how much your site has opened my eyes and changed my perspective. I'm not really part of the adoption triad (related though - I have a son from donor eggs) but I think what you are saying is hugely important, and I hope you don't let the hate mail get you down. It's a shame that people feel so threatened by what you have to say.

Lilian

WOW, just wow. BRAVO!!

Hmmm, I think you're getting at the heart of the problem here: "the state of motherhood in the culture." Motherhood doesn't really matter much, does it? Do the feminists really talk about it? They don't! They talk about choice, but it's mostly regarding "choosing work," not having kids and caring for them -- that would be "the old way" or something... It's really sad that motherhood is seen as a stumbling block for everything in life. Is there ever a good time to be a mother? Never, I think!! It's tough on those who work, tough for those in graduate school like me... it's not that different from the situation of a teenager, it's just that women in other situations have accomplished a bit more. Even these older women have to give up on her dreams (e.g. getting a Ph.D.) to become moms... no matter the age, the financial situation, there are always "setbacks."

I say proudly to people that I'm taking 10 long years to get my Ph.D. because I gave birth to two sons in the meantime, but sometimes I wonder if taking this long to finish will not just have killed my chances in academia (there's a great book about this that's coming out soon, Mama, Ph.D.), but I digress... What can we do, though, if being a mother is just so unacceptable to so many "institutional settings" (like academia, corporate America, etc).

Going back to your question as to why write this book... I don't know who would read it outside of the adoption community, but, like Karen, I (who do not belong to the triad) have learned so much from you and I think your voice, as that of other first mothers, needs to be heard out there. Even if no once wants to listen. I wish I could help somehow, but I can just try to share my muddled thoughts...

P.S. And please forgive me if this is not a nice comment, but I'm glad to see you writing here again, even if the motivation is pretty horrid: hate mail.

Sam

I don't know if I have commented here before, but I've been here...thought about what you were saying and skittered away before THINKING did any damage to me. I'm still trying to find my voice in this, but you HAVE your voice. And I need to hear it. I'm a first mom and it almost killed me.

Cas

You write in the hopes of changing things don't you?

My friends and family have all asked me at various times why I hated Juno so much (movies come up in a lot of discussions). And when I explained that it wasn't funny and why...Wasn't the basest human instinct to stay with your child and protect it, feed it, keep it warm? Wasn't relinquishment by definition violating those instincts? Wasn't adoption by definition a neverending struggle against that basest of human drives?.....I could see the wheels turning, the squirming that they had laughed, had not given it a second thought.
So there are 14 people in Canada who have opened their eyes. We're not many but we're here all the same.
Maybe you can change the world 14 people at a time.
I beg you to not stop writing.

Adoption is for so many ignorant people nothing more than a beautiful, flawless solution to the horror that is abortion. No one wants to see that it is just as ugly, just as heartbreaking, just as horrifying. But they need to, which is why you need to keep getting your story out there.

I had an abortion 8 years and 18 days ago. I started reading your blog a long time ago when I was trolling the Internet looking for happy adoption stories and pictures of aborted 11 week fetuses (my chosen method for torturing myself over it). I have become bitter over the years. I want to slap both the prolifers and the prochoicers because they're both so horrendously wrong.
Our choices aren't choices at all. We're trapped like rats and there is no happily ever after behind Doors number 1, 2, or 3.

I still support the idea that a woman has a right to abort, the idea that a woman has a right to relinquish, and the idea that a woman has a right to parent even with precious little resources.

But I do think that it should be made clear that whether you abort, relinquish, or parent your life is irrevocably changed, that it changed the minute you conceived, and that there is no path that leads back to Before.

And I am beyond bitter that there is no Door Number 4.

Lisa Kay

You know who appreciates you? I do, and so do thousands of other adoptees who so desperately want to find our birthmothers to tell them that we don't hate them, we don't blame them, that they don't need to feel guilty or worry any more.

With the publication of the book "The Girls Who Went Away", my eyes have certainly been opened to what both of my birthparents were facing when the decision was made to put me up for adoption.

I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of line here; I have a Google alert for "birthmothers" and your post appeared in my Inbox just now. When I read how defeated you sound, I just had to let you know that you ARE loved and appreciated.

Love,
Lisa Kay


PS - I was born 1/21/63 in Gainesville, Florida. Would love to know about my mother. No direct communication is required if she doesn't want it.

Libby

I just love you. (Hopefully that doesn't creep you out too much.) But I love your voice and love that more people are hearing it. Don't let the haters get you down.

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