Juno and Beyond
Thanks, Cecily, for posting your thoughts on Juno. And welcome to everyone who came here from that discussion.
After reading the post and the comments, I have a few things to say.
1. I'm glad a few people, like Cecily, could watch Juno and see that it's NOT FUCKING FUNNY. There were a few others, like the reviewer on NPR who said something like, "it was a comedic movie about a subject matter that deserved a much more serious look". Those understanding voices are few in the chorus of "lighten up! It's just a movie!" As for the people who say such things, privelege is rarely appreciated by those who have it. "Life is Beautiful" isn't heartwarming to people who actually experienced Nazi death camps. "Home Alone" isn't funny to people who were actually neglected as children.
2. Just because your husband's cousin's coworker is adopted and seems happy or even professes to not care at all about the people who brought him/her into the world, that's not proof that there is no such thing as a primal wound. There is plenty written about primal wounds, who has them, the validity of them, and everything else, in adoption literature. Just because you are acquainted with an adoptee doesn't make you an expert. And I would also venture to say that the adoptees and birthparents doing most of the suffering are the ones who don't feel comfortable sharing their feelings with people like you.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. We, as outsiders, don't have the right to tell adoptees how to feel about their adoptions. If they're fine with it, great. If they say they're fine because they don't want to share deeper feelings with you, that's also great. If they say they're fine because the feelings are vague and complex yet not debilitating or life-altering, that's great too. And it's not great if they feel like adoption has damaged their wholeness to the point where they'll never be happy, but it's their right to feel that way. Plenty do, and for them the primal wound theory makes sense in ways that nothing else has. And by flippantly saying "blah blah doesn't feel a thing so the whole theory is crap" you are taking something from them. And that's just ignorant and small of you. Not to mention insenstitive and mean.
3. I am not anti adoption. Neither is Dawn or anyone else mentioned in the post or the comments. Adoption reform has been outlined clearly and concisely in many places on the web. It's a necessary institution with draconian and inhumane processes that should be updated and reformed. To criticize the way adoption is carried out is not attacking adoption itself.
4. To address a spcific commenter, Liana, who said:
"a) a firstmother makes an adoption plan, goes through with the adoption and feels that this was a good decision for her.
b) an adopted child does not have a "primal wound" and is raised happy and healthy.
and c) an adoptive mother can stop feeling guilty for loving the daughter that was entrusted to her by her firstmother.Can't adoption just ever work without Kateri's PTSD and Dawn's Primal Wound? Can't things ever just work?"
Sure, it "works", most of the time. Mine "works" for the most part. People are resilient. For most of the year, by looking at me, you wouldn't know that I carry this loss with me. E is, by all accounts, a happy, well cared for child. I suspect most adoptees are the same. But this commenter wants to flatten every complexity out of adoption, she wants the fairy tale happy birthmother and uncomplicated adoptee, so she can move on with her life without feeling "guilty".
Another thing I've said before, and I'll say again. A birthmother who's always happy with her choice is about as common as an infertile who accidentally gets knocked up on a vacation to Italy. Everybody thinks it's more common than it is, and the myth infuriates the real people behind it.
I can't tell you how to do adoption so you don't hurt anybody. I think when you adopt, you have to accept that it's a crapshoot and no matter how much you love your child and how sensitive you are to the first family's feelings, they might all end up hating you and blaming you. Adoption is not the same as having biological children, it involves many more people and much more complexity because of the losses inherent in the process. A child cannot be adopted without also having been relinquished. And every person in the triad is entitled to grieve what has been lost.
