Dude, where the hell have I BEEN?
1. As long-term readers of this blog know, Jan 6 is E's birthday. This year I made her a scarf, and it's so yummy i want to keep it. It is a seeded rib, which means one row of k3 p3, and one row of k1 p1. Easy, fast, and not too boring.
This year I am including a note that something to the effect of "I'd like to know you better, just so I know what toto knit for you next year". Creaking that door open inch by inch, year by year. I figure I've already lost The Dream. Better work on something real.
This birthday wasn't as bad as last year, but it was still a whopper. This loss is on a cellular level and I have to let my body do what it needs to do. I slept a lot. I cried some. I consoled myself with the thought that with some authentic effort from me, she might learn to love me someday, and we'll have a relationship. I allowed myself to imagine myself with her, which is, believe it or not, not a place I've ever let myself go before. It felt good. It made me smile.
2. I saw Juno with Jul on Saturday. Let me tell you, it was excruciating. Juno believed everything I believed when I was placing, before I knew better. The movie was rife with stereotypes, bad ethics, and common ignorance. Interesting soundtrack, but it wasn't enough to cover up the fact that the lighthearted audience was laughing at things that made me die inside. I think I ruined the movie for the woman sitting next to me. And you know what? I'm glad. I hope she learned something.
3. And, for old times sake, since we've just passed my 3rd blogiversary, my first post to Wet Feet. Ah, naive Kateri. Will you get a troll? Oh yes, you will. But it will all be fine. I promise.
And here's another find, something I'd forgotten that i wrote about the difference it made to be a birthmother in those first months after Naomi was born. I skated through the PPD danger zone on relief and gratitude.
4. Philly area disorganized people: my neighbor Rachael owns Hope and Space, and will help you put all your shit together. If you have any organization needs at all, call her. She is an awesome single mother and a dear friend. And if she could help me get my shit together, she can help anyone. I'll be plugging her again. And again. And then maybe another time. I love her that much.