the tooth was fumbled (UPDATED the morning after)

after bedtime, while i was across the room dozing off and putting the baby to bed, naomi decided it would be a good idea to reach under her pillow for the little box her tooth is in. in the dark. of course it got lost.

even though we made a big ritual of putting it under there, even though i explained fifty thousand times that if she loses it the tooth fairy won't come, she needs to be careful, it's a tiny tooth it could get lost don't lose it, kid, take care, show respect blah blah blah blah blah.

i might as well have been on mute.

because she opened the box, lost the tooth, and in that tone that drives me absolutely batty because it sounds so fucking spoiled "mo-mmy, i lost my too-ooth." (which wakes up the baby). i hate that tone, because it's obvious she thinks i'm going to come over there and make the tiny tooth magically reappear and pat her on the head and put her back to bed and everything's going to be hunky-dory. as if i was just blowing hot air all day. as if i'm made of steel.

i whisper "damn. guess the tooth fairy won't be coming".

then, heedless of everyone around her, she starts with the operatics. again, i don't know how many times she's been told (and has seen for herself) that noise after bedtime is a surefire way to get me going. it's like she can't learn. it's like she puposely doesn't retain information, out of spite.

i want to smack her.

i don't.

i think about it.

espcecially when she acts surprised and upset (and escalates the screaming) when i tell her the tooth fairy can't come now, because there is no tooth to retrieve. she acts traumatized, as if she wasn't warned all fucking day. (i would no longer judge impatience in a mother's voice. i know that the first 50 times she said whatever she's saying, she was probably perfectly calm.)

i want to tell her she ruined everything, it's all her fault. i want to tell her that having a tooth fall out didn't make her a big girl, not being able to follow this simple instruction means she's just a selfish baby who lost a tooth. like a ten year old who gets her period isn't a woman; she's just a ten year old kid with grown up hormones.

most of the things i want to say would go right over her head. i indulge in some mildly abusive things in big words she doesn't know. but there's no mistaking the tone.

after i calm down a bit, i try to walk her through her thought process, what did she think she was doing when she decided to take the box out again? at what point could she have made a differenct choice? she conveniently forgot any reasons she had. she just sobbed like i killed her kitty and called me mean and a bad mommy and i felt like utter shit. i felt like i should not be responsible for a four year old's mental health, because i clearly am not cut out for it.

i hate it when she acts stupid, and pretends she didn't understand me in order to do whatever she wants. i hate it when she doesn't take me seriously. i hate it when she doesn't listen. i hate it that she doesn't do this to other people; if it were her nana putting naomi to bed tonight, she would have taken the utmost care, she would have been awed enough to leave the fucking box under the fucking pillow.

i suck at this. everyone seems to be better at bringing good behavior out of her than me. letting go of the anger gives way to the self-loathing. it's better to hurt one's self than one's children. swallowing more feelings in order to calm her down, and get both of them to sleep, and maybe make up for some of the more awful things i said in anger and frustration. naomi and i fall asleep curled together. i hate myself.

i hate it that we lost her first tooth. i hate it that this rite of passage was marred by her fumble and my freakout. why couldn't she just listen to me? believe me? respect me? you open up a small box in the dark, you're going to lose the fucking tooth. you lost the tooth, you don't get squat. so be careful, be respectful. what's so hard to understand about that?

and if it's this bad when she's almost five, what it going to be like when she's 17?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

i found naomi's tooth this morning, nestled into the carpet near the bed. we put it back in the box, we're going to try again. we talked about how her choices could have been made better, how i overreacted. she remembered every horrible thing i said. she understood more than i thought she could. she also apologized. "i'm sorry mom. i must have put my brain in my butt". and she forgave me. i said we all act on impulses sometimes. i said that she and i are so much alike. i sympathized with her for being so excited about her tooth that she had to try and look at it one more time. i forgave her for acting on the impulse and disobeying my instructions. forgiving myself, not so simple. but life moves along. one of the most humbling things about parenting is when you realize how your parents got so crazy. and you understand. and you suddenly see yourself as what you were: a brat. it's okay. we could all use a little humility. i'll do better next time.

Comments

[Anne]

Oh Kateri, you're just tired. Of course, you're tired, it happens to all of us, even those of us with another grown-up handy to whom we can say, go in there and deal with her or I swear to God, I will wring her neck. You're a great mother and you're certainly not the only one driven to distraction by your children!

[Katerina]

What Anne said. You're not alone.

[Jul]

Dude, you're way better at mom-ming 90% of the time than I am 50% of the time. Seriously. And you've got TWO. Feeling the awfulness at all is a surefire sign you're doing something right - I think REALLY horrible parents are the ones who are totally confident in their spooky, scary bullshit.

Incidentally, this happened to me with MY first tooth (it flew behind the stove when I was yanking it out). My mom had me write a letter to the tooth fairy explaining the situation and leave THAT under my pillow.

[blue milk]

Having just had my own little parenting melt down it was kind of nice to come upon your post. I hope you're feeling better, more forgiving of yourself, and somewhat revived.. as I am now.

[Sarah]

we've all been there. sometimes i think i'm losing my mind. and sometimes i want to call my own mom and say i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry!

[Her Grace]

Loud voices after bedtime drive me INSANE. It's the one thing I can't tolerate, and I think it stems from those years when they were babies and would. not. sleep. I totally get it. I also get losing your temper and saying things you don't mean. I hear myself doing it and want to stop myself, but I just can't.

You aren't alone. I hope it goes better tonight.

[Mary]

Dude, I have so been there. You are not alone. It's the tiredness that really gets you. If you hadn't been tired, you probably could have pulled it together and been SuperMommy! Or at least that's how I often feel.

I've had to apologize to Maddie many times for losing my shit. Given that my parents never ever apologized for anything, I figure I'm already ahead in the game. Although Lily, at two, sets me off way worse than Maddie ever did (it's the screaming! the infernal screaming!), so we'll just have to wait and see if we all make it out relatively unscathed.

Oh, and Maddie lost her first tooth right after it fell out. She also had a "drop the tooth behind the bed" incident in the middle of the night, too. And there are more teeth to come...

[Shannon B]

I got half way through and said to myself, aloud "I LOVE this post." It all sounds so damn familiar.

[kate]

I rarely (if ever) comment, but I have to say that I so appreciate your honesty.

[emily roysdon]

I appreciate the honesty, too. I think many of us have this perfect picture of the Tooth Fairy experience, but the kids get in the way. My daughter refused to believe, and acted like the Tooth Fairy (who left feathers and sequins and a gold chain, ffs) was an errant toddler who trashed her room :-P *hugs*

[Casey]

Good luck tonight.

[amy]

I'm that mom too. It sucks. It's so hard.

I don't even bat an eye at a mom that ignores her children in the mall. I'm that mom too, now.

Sigh. Aren't we all lucky to be alive, we were those kids once too, you know.

[Marjorie]

What really stands out to me is that you fell asleep curled up with her. And then, the next day to talk about it with her the way you did--to me, you are teaching her great things about how people get frustrated, people argue, and people make up. She is a phenomenally lucky little girl.

[Aimee]

*big sigh* I needed to read this today, and the comments, needed to hear I'm not the only mom who loses her shit sometimes. Not the only "good" mother who sometimes can't control her damn mouth. Ugh. Some days are so very very hard.

[Sarah]

I am so not good at dealing with my kids in the middle of the night. I just don't have patience then. Or even that much patience during the day.

It is so very very hard.

On the topic--what are you going to do with the tooth? In a move, I found my daughter's from last year and I am on the fence. Toss it? Keep it? Ew.

[gkk]

Don't know that I have ever commented before? Couldn't let this one slide though. I have a 4 year old too and I hear you loud and clear. I remember my sister once saying "never mind the terrible twos, watch out for the fucking fours"... how right she was! Hang in there, and thanks for your honesty.

[Jo]

You patched over the damage. That's a big thing. Everybody loses her shit sometimes; the bad ones stay staunch in their own perceived righteousness. You're doing well.

Also, don't use this example to justify anything that was done to you as a child. Or after.

[Sadie]

Kateri,

I haven't commented in awhile(cross country move with a 10 month old), but I really thank you for writing this post.

What does it say about me that sometimes the sound of my not-even- one-year-old making that "whining" sound scrapes my nerves raw? That sometimes it has the effect of styrofoam rubbing on cardboard, and these certain muscles in my upper back clench in response? And I want to tell her to STOP. IT.

I mean, I would get it if we were conversing, etc but I feel so awful a few minutes later when she's for all intents and purposes non-verbal and she's already driving me nuts at times, and in my most wildest, sleep-deprived moments I wish she was an older kid so I could know she's doing it on purpose to push my buttons and then I could be somewhat legitimately pissed about htat.

I read the above over and the guilt just tripled. I've never been inspired towards any kind of violence or anything. I take deep long breaths and have good coping skills, etc, etc, but it's still so shaming to have the feeling htere in the first place.

I think for me the fact that we adopted my daughter makes the shame worse whenever I feel sub-par. We really, really, really wanted her and though she's special needs, she doesn't have any "behaviors" that would require more patience. So I feel like shit when I complain about anything child-related. Or confess to weakness. Because we asked for her. We had to prove ourselves to an extent to get her. It wasn't just that I got pregnant and now here she is and I can commiserate with motherhood, isn't it phenomenal and isn't it exhausting.

So I'm wondering if you also hold yourself to a higher standard with daughters 2 and 3 in general(or higher than you would've anyway, as I'm sure it would've been quite high regardless).

[Sadie]

Shit. Maybe it's not necessary, but I feel like I need to add that I love my daughter with every single molecule of my being.

That the fact that she's in my life is more and more of a miracle to me every day; that on multiple moments during the course of the day I look at her and get chills up and down my arms and legs because of how beautiful she is.

That I feel incredibly, incredibly honored to be her mother.

I guess at the end of the day... The transcendence... and the nitty gritty... co-exist. And no one in any real relationship is immune to the former.

[Kateri]

sadie, i took it as a given that you love your daughter with all your soul. somehow, our emotions are expected to flatten out when it comes to our kids, with no room for complicated, conflicted emotions.

and to answer your question, i held myself to an extremely high standard when i first had naomi. i felt like i had a lot to prove. i've chilled on that, though.

there still is that voice in the back of my head sometimes: "they were all right, you know. you're really not cut out for motherhood".

i think we all have that voice sometimes, but when you come to parenthood by way of a rocky, winding path rather thana straight one, that voice can gain too much power.

[Meli]

Oh my goodness, I can't even count the times I've lost my temper with my kids - especially with my daughter. She is so much like me! And each time, I think "you know if I hadn't reacted this way, she wouldn't have responded that way." I always feel so guilty afterwards and try to remind myself that she is just a child. But dammit, sometimes I just want her to behave!

I feel you girl. You're a great mommy from what I see, er read here on your blog.

As the others have already said... you are not alone.

[Diane]

Those of us with children have all been that person or will before they're grown. The difference is acting on that urge to smack 'em. The difference is talking to them about it after we've cooled off. We let them know it's OK to be human, it's OK to get pissed off at those we love, and all will be well if we learn from our mistakes and sincerely apologize.

Just an aside--I really think the tooth fairy would come for a lost tooth. If the TF knows enough about a kid to come at all, she knows enough to know about that kid's inevitable mistakes, too.

When I am reminded of the things that used to piss me off when my littles still lived at home, I have a better perspective now than I did when the boys were young.

Hang in there, Kateri. You're a great mom.

[Jana]

Kateri,

Damn I loved this post.

You're not a bad mom because you want to smack your kid sometimes. You're allowed to feel whatever emotion you feel. It's how we choose to act on our feelings that counts.

And maybe you were tired, but I don't care if you were perfectly rested -- kids can still drive you nuts! That intentionality you mention, playing dumb, the wheedling voice, OOOOH, it makes ME want to smack her! And I wasn't even there! (Does that make you feel any better?)

Looking back on my childhood and how it shaped who I am now, I'll just say this: I would have happily traded my even-handed, level-headed, emotionally-controlled parents for someone with your raw honesty any day.

Your ability to openly wrestle with your emotions, combined with your willingness to admit when you are wrong, is a gift you give to your daughters. Don't underestimate the power of authentically expressing difficult feelings. It's how kids successfully learn to manage their own.

[Lilian]

I'm all tearful now. i'm just the same with Kelvin, i totally overreact and say the most awful things to him. He doesn't really "respect" me the way he does with other adults, especially his dad. i totally hear you on this one.

it's heartbreaking to think that she does remember all that you said and to realize that those things stay with them as baggage forever. thanks for sharing this in all its rawness. I hope the fairy came the next morning and things were mended somehow.