Jenna's questions

Jenna asks what we think when we read this quote from the Secret Life of Bees:

Also, go check out what barb and nic have written.

I wish she’d been smart enough, or loving enough, to realize everybody has burdens that crush them, only they don’t give up their children.

What does it make you feel? I'd wish I'd been smarter. Also, less arrogant than to think with the right mental manueverings, I could avoid the repsonsibility that life had thrust upon me as well as avoiding the pain of relinquishment. Yeah, I feel stupid. And then there's this idea that life could, and should, ideally, be without burdens, and there are certain things you should never take on (like parenthood) under the stress of burdens, for example, the burdens inherent in being a young single mother. I wish I'd known that the fact that I would have had those burdens, or any extra burdens, didn't disqualify me from parenting my own child.

What does it make you think? that at 19, I was idealistic to the point of arrogance, and had so many misconceptions about what life is really like, and what parenthood is really like.

How does it hit at your core? oof. I feel like my decision was a shallow one. I wanted her to have access to private schools and long vacations and everything she wanted. I wanted to finish my education and travel. These things are not worth the loss I marked us with, not by a long shot. Getting back to being stupid, I had no idea how mismatched this trade would turn out to be, and I can only hope and cross my fingers that she turns out to be one of those adoptees who doesn't feel the pain and confusion of having been relinquished so acutely, just to keep a lid on the losses that have piled up.

Have you had this conversation with your placed child already? No.

How did it go? How did they respond to your answer? n/a

How did you phrase your answer? n/a

If you haven’t yet had this kind of conversation, are you mentally preparing for it? Or mentally avoiding it? Reasons as to why. I've been mentally preparing for it for years. I don't know what to say. I hope that in the moment I say the right thing, the true thing, the whatever that heals.

Comments

[Jenna]

*nodding* Everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, that has responded to this (all triad sides) continues to bring up so many points that my mind is filled with different ideas, good ones and thought provoking ones, than the few I had on my own when I initially read it. "Idealistic to the point of arrogance." Wow. Yeah, I'm just honestly sitting here and nodding. I, as well, hope that whatever happens when/if this conversation takes place will be healing for the Munchkin. My own healing would be nice as well but... she's just so much more important to me than anything that I could benefit from by discussing all of this.

*goes away, nodding*

[Craphead]

I know you are torn about what to do with this blog, but I must say that I came here because of discussions like this. I have learned a lot about adoptions and birthmotherhood from reading your blog. Everything I knew before was from TV and movies, so I was horribly misinformed! Even if you only post occasionally about these issues, I think it is worth keeping this blog.

[Jo]

What Craphead said.

Also, this? "...at 19, I was idealistic to the point of arrogance, and had so many misconceptions about what life is really like, and what parenthood is really like."

I imagine there are very few 19 year olds for whom that is NOT true. Lord knows I was not one of them. As for knowing what parenthood is really like, it's difficult until you're in it. I think becoming a parent can be a fine way to grow out of that 19-year-old-ness, and I think there's zero social support for that.

What I mean is: be gentle, gentle on yourself.

[Stacy]

I did a post about it. And yeah... 'idealistic to the point of arrogance' sounds like most 19-year-olds.