She is Everywhere and Nowhere
There is a vacuum where E should be.
Her pictures are all over the house. There is a pack of Dis*ney vacation pictures that were in a drawer in the bedroom until the kids got into them. Now they are strewn among the mess in the bed. The baby loves them. I wake up between my girls in the morning with Miriam holding a picture of the missing girl, E's is often the first face I see when I open my eyes, smiling back at me from the life I bestowed when I thought I wasn't good enough for her.
Less than a month from her birthday I am feeling the familiar tightness in my chest, the tension that is building, building, up to the crecendo of sadness and regret, peaking in the cold stillness of January.
I don't know what to give her for her birthday. What does she like? What does she want? What will she treasure? I don't know. I don't know.
What do you give the 9 year old you don't know, who holds a piece of your soul?
You have already given it to her, and she holds it lightly and takes it for granted and that is part of the gift. You gave her life.
Posted by: Jo in Utah | Friday, December 08, 2006 at 12:26 PM
"What does she like? What does she want? What will she treasure? I don't know. I don't know."
reading my mind again?
i'll have the server bring some cocktails to The Table
Posted by: barb | Friday, December 08, 2006 at 01:07 PM
Oh Kateri, such beautiful writing for such a sad situation. FWIW, my 9 year old is totally into crafty things right now. Her bead set and make your own greeting card kit are big hits.
Posted by: libby | Friday, December 08, 2006 at 02:56 PM
That's actually along the lines of what I was thinking of giving her. something for her to make stuff. i've heard rumors that she's artsy and creative ;)
Posted by: Kateri | Friday, December 08, 2006 at 02:58 PM
Siiigh... I'm so sorry, Kateri. So unbelievably sorry.
Posted by: Manuela | Friday, December 08, 2006 at 05:59 PM
You know... this post is haunting me... and an incredible example of precisely what my current blog post is about.
I wish there were something I could DO...
Posted by: Manuela | Friday, December 08, 2006 at 06:10 PM
I know, I feel like Manuela. Now that I know you, I feel sad every January, really sad and heartbroken for you. Just reading your post and thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I think Jo in Utah is right -- you gave her the greatest gift, life.
Posted by: Lilian | Friday, December 08, 2006 at 10:09 PM
I was just thinking about you and E, wondering how you were doing, knowing her birthday is around the corner.
I think the craft option cannot go wrong.
I would guess whatever letters you're writing to her and not being able to send, all the stuff her a-mom won't tell her, will be the best delayed birthday gift you give her, someday when you can make contact and be honest with her at least.
You're in my thoughts.
Posted by: Jody | Friday, December 08, 2006 at 10:24 PM
(((Kateri)))
Posted by: Nicole | Friday, December 08, 2006 at 11:24 PM
Kateri, I've just discovered your blog and your post is so touching. It is heavy, heavy stuff.
Posted by: Em | Saturday, December 09, 2006 at 07:46 AM
Oh, God.
Yeah, memoir. That's for you.
Posted by: Moxie | Saturday, December 09, 2006 at 12:56 PM
For her - what about a pretty journal and pen? I started writing around that age and it's something that will help her feel connected to you, because you're a writer.
And for you - all my sympathy.
Posted by: alchemist | Sunday, December 10, 2006 at 12:19 AM
Coming out of lurk-land to send love and support, for whatever it's worth. My heart aches for you and when I read this I taste a strong sense of anticipation and anxiety---that nauseating sensation you get when you feel like you're heading for the train wreck all over again.
I've long wanted to tell you that your writing is good. Very good. And that as such it influenced the way my daughter's adoption happened in a HUGE way.
Anyway... I'm thinking of you. And also-- could Naomi and Miriam BE any more gorgeous?
Posted by: sadie | Sunday, December 10, 2006 at 11:26 PM
It occurred to me belatedly that the last comment I made about how gorgeous your 2 youngest girls are might have been read as dismissive of your missing(inadequate word, I know) E. In case it was-- that is not what I meant at all. I had been struck in signing on by the beautiful picture of the two of them in the top lefthand corner.
Posted by: sadie | Monday, December 11, 2006 at 12:51 AM
no worries, sadie. i agree, they're gorgeous. i was not offended at all ;)
Posted by: Kateri | Monday, December 11, 2006 at 08:53 AM
What do you give the 9 year old you don't know, who holds a piece of your soul?
EXACTLY. It's posts like this one that simultaneously (a) make me grateful I've finally found other birthmothers but (b) wish I wasn't one because it goes straight to the hole in my heart and the tears flow again.
Posted by: Jayne | Wednesday, December 13, 2006 at 07:41 AM