The Myth of the Happy Birthmother

Haven't read anyone's posts on this yet-don't want any emotions they inspire to distract me. Sorry if this is repetitive or irrelevant. **UPDATED** Go read Not Mother. Also, barb has posted about this too. While you're at it, go read what Dawn has to say.

Away2me commented:

"You are completely right in that it hasn't been very long and that the mourning could start later on...I really, really hope that isn't the case. I love her so much and I want her to be happy and okay with this adoption. I love her spirit and her spunk and her honesty and I want so much for her to be happy. "

That's all very sweet. Admirable even. But when you are so invested in her being happy and okay, she's not going to want to tell you if she isn't. Listen to what you said: you really really don't want her to mourn. That's quite an emotional straightjacket to put her in. I'm guessing this is because you will feel guilty if she mourns, like her mourning means she did the wrong thing and you took a baby from a mother who should have parented.

Mourning is inevitable, whether it begins now or two years from now. The happiest, most peaceful birthmothers will mourn.

She's going to be powerfully motivated to please you, as her continued relationship (if that's what she wants) depends on your trust. If her feelings do sour at some point (and I never knew, other people's anecdotes notwithstanding, a first mother who didn't have a single sour feeling about adoption) you will be the last person to find out.

This grief has a trajectory. The happy birthmother fantasy is like an anesthetic. Adoption's epidural.  When it wears off, everyone has accepted your happy ending and moved on. Here you are, this hole getting bigger every year, having told everyone repeatedly that everything was great and you are happy and relieved and feeling very wise.* So you don't bother telling people things have changed, because the specter of the loose cannon bitter birthmother that no one trusts is right there. And no one wants to be her.

I believed it: I treated birthmother grief as a puzzle I could outsmart. Relinquishment without the consequences of loss. Because of openness, because I bonded so well with her aparents, because I wasn't going to actually lose her, I wouldn't be ensnared by grief.

The mythical happy birthmother is a tantalizing fantasy in open adoption. It makes adoption look like a true win-win-win situation. Nobody loses! The couple gets their family, the adoptee gets to know where they came from, and the birthmother can move on with her life! No one wants to be the one to spoil such a pretty picture.

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*Reminds me of adding a second child in a way. At first, everyone's like, yeah! she loves her baby brother! no adjustment problems! this went so much more smoothly than we thought! And you are lulled for a second into thinking that you might have escaped Major Sibling Rivalry. And then the baby's a year old and stealing toys and the hitting and fighting starts. But you've already told everyone that the adjustment went great. So you don't talk about it, and everyone who has a second kid goes on thinking that the hardest part about adding a baby to your family is in the beginning.

Comments

[Lilian]

Great post. This was *brilliant*:

"The happy birthmother fantasy is like an anesthetic. Adoption's epidural. When it wears off, everyone has accepted your happy ending and moved on."

I also like the comparison with having a second child (I'd still like to edit/write/co-write that book, remember? - but like Jo said in the previous post *you* should write a book about your experience, or participate in a collection of essays by first moms).

[Dawn]

Ummm, wordpress did not trackback you but you are trackbacked!

[ibex67]

Got here from Dawn at This Woman's Work. I do think what you've written is brilliant -- but just want to add: The adoptive parent may indeed know if the birth mama starts to grieve. We have an open arrangement going on almost 3 years now -- though our adoption is just about to be finalized. And we have born the brunt of some really passive-aggressive behavior on the part of the first mama because of her conflicted feelings. But we have been working through it with her because we are committed to a life-long open relationship for our DD's sake.

I just wanted to add our experience into the mix because sometimes, the adoptive parents do indeed have to deal with the birth mom's emotional fall-out first hand.

[cloudscome]

Zing! You hit it again.

[Andrea]

Wow--this all got very big, didn't it?

I have been reading everything--here and at Dawn's--and no idea what to say, so keeping quiet. But I wanted you to know that I'm reading.

[Away2me]

You are wrong about me needing my son's natural mom to not feel bad because it would cause me guilt. Completely wrong about that. I don't want her to feel the loss or to hurt because I don't want her to feel pain. It has nothing to do with guilt. I don't want anyone that I love to feel pain. Her feeling pain isn't a reflection of me, it would be a result of the adoption and her loss. That is seperate from me and I won't feel guilt for something I can't control. I have done nothing wrong and I will never do anything wrong to my son's natural parents. If I were to do something wrong to her, than I would feel guilt and that would legitimate guilt.

You make some very valid points. I've learned a lot today.

[speakingformyself]

So many important topics flying around ... this, among them.

I thought it was interesting, over on Not Mother, that she'd read about grief setting in 5 to 7 years later ... because I (and some moms I've dialogued with over the years) have noted that many of the children also start to really get in touch with their grief at around 7.

I really think the high number of adoptions I've seen closed or marked by impossible parameters around this time corresponds with this dynamic.

I have known one mother who did not move into intense grief at that time, and I think it was largely due to the extreme openness and mutual respect that framed their adoption -- very much like extended family, not just in word but in deed and Spirit.

As for keeping grief under wraps, that was me. Over time, I knew the openness of the adoption hinged on neither me nor my bdaughter letting either our pain or our connection show in the presence of her parents.

I was better at hiding it than my bdaughter was ... at least back then.

[kim.kim]

I pretended to be happy about the adoption so that the adoptive parents wouldn't be scared of me. I was scared they wouldn't give me any news of her.

[afrindiemum]

i don't really feel like i have anything to say. i agree with so much being said.

conversations like these only make me go back to our situation. and it makes me wonder where pea and purl are emotionally right now. i want to send excerpts of things to them... i don't want to overstep... i want to know... they don't owe me anything. i don't think there is a way for me to communicate all of this to them in letters i don't know if they even receive.

anyhow - conversations like these just make me think. thanks for that.

[Jayne]

Ibex wrote: "sometimes, the adoptive parents do indeed have to deal with the birth mom's emotional fall-out first hand."
I think the phrase "have to deal with" is awfully strong wording and something that I as a birthmother certainly have tried to prevent. But things are also very different pre- and post-finalization and Ibex's adoption is not yet final. I don't want to be someone M [my son's adoptive mother] "has to deal with". I want to be someone she wants to know, someone whose feelings she gets to experience if she cares enough to do so. So far post-finalization, that hasn't happened.

[MomSquared]

I am curious.

Are there options for potential adoptive families who do not want to be matched with pregnant women? I mean, can you go somewhere and say, I only want to be matched with a woman who has already met her baby and who has decided to place him for adoption?

Is that even possible? Sorry for the question asking on your blog, I might ask elsewhere as well.

[alison]

Jayne,

I think you are over reacting to the "have to deal with" phrase. After all, I love my husband, my parents, my sister etc. and sometimes I have to deal with their difficult qualities when they are upset! I know my husband has to deal with my pain due to lacking fertility all the time. Families and other close relations are always dealing with each other.

[Anon]

What a bunch of crap. First, must you attribute evil motive to everything any adoptive mother has to say? When Away2me says she hopes her child’s birth mother does not grieve, you interpret that to mean she is trying to put the birth mother in an emotional straight jacket. Did you also read part where she states that she loves the birth mother of her child? And maybe it’s natural for a person who feels real love and affection for someone else to want them to not experience emotional pain? For some reason other than their own selfish motivation? Did you ever think of that? You don’t want your child to experience emotional pain? Is that b/c you are just too selfish to have to deal with it?

Second, human emotions are very complex. You shouldn’t be so quick to attribute your experience and feelings to other people. Maybe, just maybe, some birth mothers accept the fact that their child is better off being parented by loving, stable adoptive parents, when, for whatever reason, they didn’t feel they could take on the role and responsibility of parenting.

[MomSquared]

I think that some people might argue that it is best for the child to be raised by his natural parents unless there is a real risk of harm in the child's natural home.

I don't think it's a given that "that their child is better off being parented by loving, stable adoptive parents".

[Kateri]

Are adoptive parents *always* "loving and stable"? I think I might hate that assumption just as much as you hate my assumption that birthmotherhood and grief go hand in hand, Anon.

Next time, provide a link to your blog. Have the courage of your convictions, anon. If you truly had faith in waht you're saying, you'd call this "a bunch of crap" where you could be held accountable for your words. Coward.

[Lisa V]

This is the beauty, every troll in the past couple of weeks has brought some jumping off place for exploration. Someone needs to post on what happens when the adoptive home turns out to be less than stable. Speaking for myself was talking about it at Dawn's. I know there are extreme instances like Speaking was talking about. But what about the milder ones, divorce, alcoholism. Things that happen fairly often in all families. Just something to think about.

[Kateri]

I think the "loving, stable" assumption is a double eged sword. It's an impossible standard for an adoptive family to live up to. You'd have to be SuperFamily, not just regular family.

[Manuela]

Kateri... your post has been on my mind all day. I am so incredibly upset by the exchange of words I read over at Naked Ovary... it has truly upset me.

Your post here... is brilliant... absolutely brilliant. You inspired me (yet again) to take on this same topic from the point of view of an adoptee over on my blog.

Although I didn't even START to tackle the assumptive crap written by anon. I can only deal with so much in a single day.

[speakingformyself]

So true, Kateri. I believe some adoptions get closed because parents feel they've failed to meet impossible standards.

The powers that be say they are supposed to be and remain the "stable" ones ... forever.

When domestic infant adoption happens, it is typically one person's most "unstable" or vulnerable moment meeting another's most stable or empowered moment.

Barring extreme situations, there is no reason to believe this will not change -- even reverse -- at some point.

Oh, for the day we can all just get real about this. We are human beings -- fellow strugglers in this gig called life, let alone the one called adoption.

Nobody has to be dubbed "better" or "worse" than anyone else.

[Margie]

Hi, just found you from This Woman's Work. This is quite a conversation, wow.

I come at everything from the experience of adoption from Korea. I had the opportunity to hear two first mothers speak at a conference in Seoul this summer. One is desperately searching for her child, the other is in an open adoption. One described the acute pain of not knowing anything about her son, the other the pain of knowing her daughter but not being able to parent her. And hearing their stories taught me that openness isn't a panacea, just a different kind of loss.

Looking forward to reading more here, glad I found your blog.

[Wasabi]

Yes so true on both counts of hangover from the adoption and working a second child into the mix. I'm sure my family would be shocked to know that I still think of my children constantly and still feel pain over it. I think my mom probably can't allow herself to think that since she was the one who so pushed me to think of adoption as "babysitting" for 9 months and to have no contact with the aparents. To just go on with my life afterwards and tell no one and pretend it never happened. Because yeah it's just my baby out there no problem just keep on going and be a good girl. I had no idea there was this ring of birthmoms out here. When I went through placement there wasn't even an internet so this is all new to me and sorry if I'm barging in but I'm just overwhelmed by this sense of relief that there are other women out there who are feeling the same thing that I am. Gotta go nurse the baby.