Haven't read anyone's posts on this yet-don't want any emotions they inspire to distract me. Sorry if this is repetitive or irrelevant. **UPDATED** Go read Not Mother. Also, barb has posted about this too. While you're at it, go read what Dawn has to say.
"You are completely right in that it hasn't been very long and that the mourning could start later on...I really, really hope that isn't the case. I love her so much and I want her to be happy and okay with this adoption. I love her spirit and her spunk and her honesty and I want so much for her to be happy. "
That's all very sweet. Admirable even. But when you are so invested in her being happy and okay, she's not going to want to tell you if she isn't. Listen to what you said: you really really don't want her to mourn. That's quite an emotional straightjacket to put her in. I'm guessing this is because you will feel guilty if she mourns, like her mourning means she did the wrong thing and you took a baby from a mother who should have parented.
Mourning is inevitable, whether it begins now or two years from now. The happiest, most peaceful birthmothers will mourn.
She's going to be powerfully motivated to please you, as her continued relationship (if that's what she wants) depends on your trust. If her feelings do sour at some point (and I never knew, other people's anecdotes notwithstanding, a first mother who didn't have a single sour feeling about adoption) you will be the last person to find out.
This grief has a trajectory. The happy birthmother fantasy is like an anesthetic. Adoption's epidural. When it wears off, everyone has accepted your happy ending and moved on. Here you are, this hole getting bigger every year, having told everyone repeatedly that everything was great and you are happy and relieved and feeling very wise.* So you don't bother telling people things have changed, because the specter of the loose cannon bitter birthmother that no one trusts is right there. And no one wants to be her.
I believed it: I treated birthmother grief as a puzzle I could outsmart. Relinquishment without the consequences of loss. Because of openness, because I bonded so well with her aparents, because I wasn't going to actually lose her, I wouldn't be ensnared by grief.
The mythical happy birthmother is a tantalizing fantasy in open adoption. It makes adoption look like a true win-win-win situation. Nobody loses! The couple gets their family, the adoptee gets to know where they came from, and the birthmother can move on with her life! No one wants to be the one to spoil such a pretty picture.
*Reminds me of adding a second child in a way. At first, everyone's like, yeah! she loves her baby brother! no adjustment problems! this went so much more smoothly than we thought! And you are lulled for a second into thinking that you might have escaped Major Sibling Rivalry. And then the baby's a year old and stealing toys and the hitting and fighting starts. But you've already told everyone that the adjustment went great. So you don't talk about it, and everyone who has a second kid goes on thinking that the hardest part about adding a baby to your family is in the beginning.