Lately I go whistling by internet trainwrecks as if they are not there. "La dee dah, no one is saying mean things about first mothers, nothing to see, moving right along..."
And then you find me cracking my knuckles and ruminating over what I would say to them if I found them in a dark alley.
I get a little like Mr. Costanza. SERENITY NOW.
So then I have to go back and read the whole thing.
In a public service for lazy clickers (like me) here are some samples of the kinds of comments I'm talking about:
"how can you be certain that the birthmother isn’t doing her own version of the happy dance…..”
“I think that birthmom is holding a fat baby boy and not thinking too much about the girl that was left for us to claim……”
“We do not know how our abandoned chinese daughters birthmoms feel. It was their choice. She could be relieved or have no feelings about it, or be joyful we do not know that there was a feeling of loss..."
I do not know any of these mythical mothers who were able to lose children and not feel it too much. I hear about them all the time...in comments like these, on message boards and blogs when adoptive parents say that maybe some birthmothers feel acute grief but their birthmother got the happy ending. People love to think that people like me are the anomaly and most first mothers actually "move on", have other children, live the happy ending that's assigned to them.
I feel dogged by happy bmoms like infertile gals feel dogged by the woman who got pregnant when she "relaxed" and went on a vacation to Italy. Does it happen? Yes, it probably does, somewhere. Does it misrepresent the experience and oversimplify the emotions involved? HELL YES. Does it create the perfect little mechanism for those that would like to minimize the emotional impact for their own purposes? You bet it does.
I usually don't believe adoptive parents who claim "their" birthmom is "happy". If a first mother is unhappy, the last person she will tell is the adoptive parents of her child. I have no doubt that C and J have spun their own little happy ending for me that they trot out for people who ask them about their adoptions.
It's easier to let them have their little "she's moved on" fantasy, because they fear me enough as it is. Can you imagine if I started talking about betrayal and adoption reform and suicidal depression? Yikes. You'd have to rescucitate them. "Yes, it was despair like I never imagined and you won't even believe the number it did on my sex life! More tea?"