Fashionably Late

Lately I go whistling by internet trainwrecks as if they are not there. "La dee dah, no one is saying mean things about first mothers, nothing to see, moving right along..."

And then I click around on some other regular reads and it keeps coming back.

"THEY SAID WHAT?????"

And then you find me cracking my knuckles and ruminating over what I would say to them if I found them in a dark alley.

I get a little like Mr. Costanza. SERENITY NOW.

So then I have to go back and read the whole thing.

In a public service for lazy clickers (like me) here are some samples of the kinds of comments I'm talking about:

"how can you be certain that the birthmother isn’t doing her own version of the happy dance…..”

“I think that birthmom is holding a fat baby boy and not thinking too much about the girl that was left for us to claim……”

“We do not know how our abandoned chinese daughters birthmoms feel. It was their choice. She could be relieved or have no feelings about it, or be joyful we do not know that there was a feeling of loss..."

I do not know any of these mythical mothers who were able to lose children and not feel it too much. I hear about them all the time...in comments like these, on message boards and blogs when adoptive parents say that maybe some birthmothers feel acute grief but their birthmother got the happy ending. People love to think that people like me are the anomaly and most first mothers actually "move on", have other children, live the happy ending that's assigned to them.

I feel dogged by happy bmoms like infertile gals feel dogged by the woman who got pregnant when she "relaxed" and went on a vacation to Italy. Does it happen? Yes, it probably does, somewhere. Does it misrepresent the experience and oversimplify the emotions involved? HELL YES. Does it create the perfect little mechanism for those that would like to minimize the emotional impact for their own purposes? You bet it does.

I usually don't believe adoptive parents who claim "their" birthmom is "happy". If a first mother is unhappy, the last person she will tell is the adoptive parents of her child. I have no doubt that C and J have spun their own little happy ending for me that they trot out for people who ask them about their adoptions.

It's easier to let them have their little "she's moved on" fantasy, because they fear me enough as it is. Can you imagine if I started talking about betrayal and adoption reform and suicidal depression? Yikes. You'd have to rescucitate them. "Yes, it was despair like I never imagined and you won't even believe the number it did on my sex life! More tea?"

Comments

[Lisa V]

The dogged comment is so great Kateri- what a great illustration.

I constantly try to find a phrase that is not "happy" to describe one of my children's first moms. I sometimes think content. Maybe made peace. But I know even in the adoptions that are working well, like mine, that are seemingly uncomplicated, there is sorrow and loss. That contentment does not come easily and without a price, mostly paid by the first mom.

[Amanda]

Thank you..for your honesty, and for putting yourself out there. There is not a day that goes by that I don't ache and think of my daughter's first mom....and one of the hardest things for me about our adoption is that we (most likely) will never get to know her or Sofie's first dad. I hope that they have found some sort of peace (does that sound trite? If it does, please know that I truly do not mean it to be so..).

Anway, before I make a muck of this...thank you.

Take care.

[Casey]

I'm so glad you wrote this, Kateri. That thread left me feeling sick, and I found myself unable to respond with anything more coherent than "You have got to be fucking kidding me."

Not the least annoying bit was that so many people assumed that the original anonymous poster was a birthmom. Yeah, because obviously no one gives a shit about birthmoms other than other birthmoms, right? Everyone else should just not worry about it because what good would it do to actually sit down and examine our own privilege? We should all just take the attitude that if we can't feed every starving child in Africa, we shouldn't think about birthmothers. If you can't do everything, you might as well do nothing, right?

I am such a crank today. SERENITY NOW!

[Karen]

Well--this might sound trite or cliche, but I have really learned a lot from all of these exchanges. I'm sorry it had to be at the expense of so many feelings, though. I certainly didn't intend for that to happen. I have the utmost respect for first moms. I generally don't comment on blogs of first moms, because I don't know that my voice needs to be heard. But here goes.

In my initial post, I didn't jump to the conclusion that the anon commenter was a first mom, and I didn't intend for the comments to go the way that they did--although in retrospect I should have shut them down once I saw what was happening. I think--well, I hope--(and this is not an excuse, just an explanation) that my head would have been screwed on tighter had this whole incident not happened in the middle of the craziest time of my life.

I'm not blindly navigating my way through this adoption (well...that blindly), but I know that many people do. I think because China adoptmoms don't have to interact with their children's firstmom directly--and may never know who she is--there is a danger that I am acutely aware of of (gah, hate the double "of") not thinking, not hashing through those issues. I know that many people adopt from China because they don't want to "deal" with first families, and what worries me is not that this is their impetus for choosing China so much, but that some of them never have a change of heart and move past that, and I wonder how they will deal with the topic of their children's Chinese families when those topics come up. I don't ever want to be someone who doesn't think about something, or doesn't talk about something, just because it might be painful or hard.

Finally (and then I'll shut up, sorry, yes I am hijacking your blog) I guess my question to first moms and adoptees would be this: how do we ensure that more, and better, conversations happen between all three sets of individuals? Because--sometimes exactly what amoms need to tackle, and hear, is articulated in terms we can't emotionally handle. (I'm thinking of the idea that Dawn brought up, that Primal Wound needs to reach more people, it needs a "softer" sell.) Kateri, you talk about the myth of the happy firstmom. I agree that many aparents that I know, if given the chance, will prefer to believe that. But how do we ensure that those aparents hear the voices of other first moms, the ones who might be harder to hear? Because I think it's essential that all aparents hear those voices, and recognize them as valid.

Okay, I'll shut up now.

[MomSquared]

Kateri, I completely agree with you, but I think there is some good that has come out of this discussion.

I think a lot of people have this view of adoption: Baby needs family, family needs baby, baby and family are matched, everything is perfect. You know yourself that first mothers are marginalized and ignored a lot of the time.

A lot of those comments were mean and nasty and not even worth reading, but I bet you some people read the comments that were rational, and some people had their first encounters with real, outspoken first mothers, and maybe some minds will start to change. Maybe some people will start to see what is wrong about adoption in America. Maybe people will start to support and respect first mothers.

Remember when I posted something terribly embarssing on your blog? People change, and you have the power to change them. You changed me, and certainly you are changing other people too. And although we all witnessed a lot of ignorance and a lot of hatred, I bet you there are a few people out there who just might listen.

[Lilian]

Whoa! I hope MomSquared is right, that this whole thing may have made other people see things. Anyway, I couldn't even read the whole post (by Karen), I felt so put off by it, and I didn't even look at the comments (I'd be too mad)...

It's good that she apologized - but it's always unsettling (to say the least, maybe outrageous would be a better word) to see those harsh feelings "against"/about first moms out in the open. Sigh.

[cloudcome]

Kateri, thanks for this post, laying it all out with links. I had no idea what was flying around. So much ignorance and emotion comes out when one person goes off.... but I agree the discussion can have some good if it opens a few minds and hearts. If we can find a way to listen more and judge less...

As a single mother by birth and adoption I have a mishmash of thoughts on it myself I can't put into words. I appreciate you and the others that work to put yourselves out there and make sense.

[MomSquared]

Eeg, am I being too optimistic?

[Jo]

Hey, you changed me. And I'm an unrepentant asshole! Except when I'm deeply repentant!

You're just so friggin'...smart. Scary smart. Dangerous smart, but a good dangerous.

Write a book, would you? (And let's make sure it gets on the required reading list at You Know That Agency.)

[Away2me]

I'm one of those adoptive moms whose son's natural mom is happy and very relieved with her decision. It is not just me she is telling it to and it is just not her words that prove it, her actions speak volumes. I swear I wish you could speak with her so that I didn't look like such an @sshat when I blog about this. Her mom (natural grandma) however is having a harder time with this adoption than she expected. Really, I'm not standing up for what some of these adoptive mom's said over at that other blog, but I can speak for our situation and tell you...yes, it does happen, sometimes natural moms are more relieved than grieving. Some times they are happy with and content with their adoption plan, no remorse, no sadness. I'm sure this is not the norm at ALL! But it can happen and I'm not living in "la la land"... it really is our situation.
I think a lot of us adoptive moms want to have this type of situation (relieve the guilt of being happy when someone else has such a loss) so we spin everything so it seems like "his birth mom is doing great". I also think that most natural moms have such a hard time, despite thinking it was a good decision that they try to make it seem better than it is while still feeling terrible inside. I also think both sides, adoptive and natural push their feelings on to others and try to make others feel their side of things. Some natural moms who are struggling with their situation assume that every natural mom MUST feel the way they do.

[Kateri]

Away2me, you always seem to forget that for a year and a half after I relinquished, I looked just like that: happy, relieved, content. You should have seen me at 7 months postpartum! I had a great job, I was back in school, I'd lost all the pregnancy weight and I was planning to move to LA to start a new life. Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back just yet.

[barb]

away2me, in the first several years after placement, i was happy. genuinely. and then things slowly started to change. your son is what, a few months old? that's a drop in the bucket, loss-speaking.

but even if i hadn't been "happy", Betty would have been the last one to know. almost 9 years later, i'm still holding the party line when we do have contact. "sure, everything is swell"...

comfortable, respectful adoptions happen, of this i'm sure. its so early, tread easily.

[Poor_Statue]

Away2Me (who is by now likely regretting that she commented here):

Um, I'm happy. Everyone around me would likely say they've never seen me so happy. But being a birthmother is still the worst thing in the world and I still grieve regularly and feel sad and angry and tear up at ridiculous things and wonder why she's not with me. Just because other people don't see me hurting or hear me say that I'm hurting- just because the rest of my life is going well- just because I still believe in my choice- doesn't mean I'm happy about it or that I'm not hurting or that I've moved on. It doesn't matter how wonderfully my life goes from this point on- I will never move on or stop grieving or be happy about the fact that I'm not raising my daughter. My grief is not neccesarily a public thing.

[Away2me]

I don't regret posting my comment here, not one bit. I regret that you can only see through your experience and not believe that people can experience things differently than you can.

I'm not "patting myself on the back". That is such a silly and rude thing to say. You are right, I don't know how our son's natural mom will feel in 5 years. I hope more than anything that she continues to be doing as well as she is. I don't assume she will be the same (but I hope for her sake and my son's sake). I don't think you should assume she will be grieving and hurting.

[Away2me]

The last comment didn't sound the way I wanted it to. It sounded more harsh than I intended but the whole, "dont break your arm patting yourself on your back" comment irked me.

You are completely right in that it hasn't been very long and that the mourning could start later on. I'll have to remember that. I really, really hope that isn't the case. I love her so much and I want her to be happy and okay with this adoption. I love her spirit and her spunk and her honesty and I want so much for her to be happy. I try to explain to other adoptive parents who cringe when I say that I speak to our son's natural mom often that she is such a cool person and that I enjoy speaking with her and that I enjoy sending photos and that I want to keep in contact with her. They just don't get how wonderful the connection between her and I is. She's been very busy and without a phone lately and I miss our chats. Adoptive parents are afraid and they don't think they "could do that". Ha...if they only knew what they were missing.

[Poor_Statue]

Sorry to hijack, Kateri, but....

Away2Me:
I'm giving another perspective, as you also did.

I decided to go read your blog so I wouldn't be making judgements based on one comment.

I'm glad it's working for you. I think a lot of things about your situation are atypical. Yet I don't think yours is a case of a happy adoption nor am I trying to push my feelings on anyone.

A lot of us out there have done a lot of research on adoption so we speak not just from our own experience but from hours and hours and hours of reading. You may want to do your own research so you won't be floored when either Jill or Jake starts to go through some of the normal growing pains associated with adoption.

[hopeful adoptive mom]

I'm a hopeful adoptive mom. While waiting I have been filling my time by reading as many adoption blogs as I can, thinking it would help me have greater understanding and compassion for firstmothers and that I can learn from other adoptive mothers' experiences.

I'm hoping for an open adoption with regular contact with the birth family (first family?). I keep reading a lot of bitterness and anger toward adoptive parents and a lot of fear and condescension towards firstmothers. My head is spinning. I don't want either of these situations.

What is something that you wish the adoptive parents in your relationship had done differently? Or what reading has resounded the most with you? (these questions are for any firstmothers) I realize that no one is ever happy to relinquish, but I'm struggling with how to appropriately support the firstmother, if we are ever chosen...

[alison]

I'm with h.a.m.,

I'm considering adopting, but want to do the right thing! By all means, I will remain childless if it would mean I wouldn't cause pain to another woman and her child. But there are children who need to be adopted, so what is one to do? I agree with h.a.m., adoptee moms spend way to much time belittling or demonizing first moms, while first moms can also be extraordinarily hateful towards infertiles and adoptee moms.

I'd love for some more proactive dialogue instead, and I'd love it if h.a.m.'s questions were discussed more frequently.

[alison]

It's Thursday, I'm sure we are all tired from a busy week. But for some reason, whenever that "question" comes up, it's the echo chambers.

[Magicpointeshoe]

Alison, I know you mean well but that comes off very tacky. Birthmother blogs are not horse and pony shows. The reason why it's an echo chamber is because it's a damn uncomfortable question. How does one point to the mountain and explain why it's in the scene but shouldn't be there efficiently.

[sjusju]

Oh yeah... My mum was one of those "happy ever after" birth mothers, who went to her sister's wedding a month after the birth, didn't speak a word about the daughter she had relinquished, and got married and had me a few years later. I'm sure my sister's adoptive parents would like to think that everything was all right, that mum "moved on", had her "own" children and lived happily ever after. They wouldn't know about the chronic depression, the suicide attempts and the stints in the mental hospital that my mum has weathered as a result of swallowing her relinquishment grief and letting it poison her slowly while everything looked "happily ever after" on the surface.

My mum's okay - she's not permanently "broken" but this pain will never leave her, or our family. It is woven into our lives. A wound is a wound and it is delusional to pretend that you can cut off a child from its mother without leaving a wound to both. Adoptive parents aren't responsible for inflicting that wound, but they need to know that it is the wound which makes their relationship with their child possible, and that to care for their child (and help it heal its wound) they also need to acknowledge the first mum's wound.

Enough with the wounds though! I think it is useful having the discussion. To people who are considering adoption - there is no point feeling guilty regarding things which are outside your control - eg the circumstances in which the first mother relinquished. But where you do have some control - eg in how you speak about your child's first mother, or if there is a chance of contact with her, how you enable that contact - then I hope that you can keep your child's best interests at heart and treat his or her first mother as a family member - because that is exactly what she is for your child.

[lorrie]

What about us adopted kids who spent $3000 to find their "first mom" only to be coldly rejected? We're out there too. I'd dare to say that in the era that I was born (1959) there were a lot of mothers who regarded their pregnancy as a terrible, shameful secret, and 47 years to think about it apparently hasn't softened my "first mom" one little bit.

Do you think that she felt anything but relief? I don't.

not trying to troll you, honest.

[shannon]

In our case, people asking about our relationship with our daughter's mother love to cut me off mid-sentence and say things like "oh she really doesn't want contact."

Um, the intake social worker who interviewed her wrote in the margins of her health history: "wants contact very much" and underlined it three times.

Something else is impeding our relationship and I wish that A) people would listen instead of jumping to dismiss me and B) my baby's mother would pick up a phone and call us collect because whatever is getting in her way, we are prepared to move heaven and earth to have that contact.