Oi, the Differences Abound

I am almost halfway through Miriam's first year. Can you believe it?

I was terrified to leave Naomi when she was this age. Plus I didn't want to. The first time I left her for more than a few hours, or at bedtime, she was 20 months old. When she didn't take a bottle, I patted myself on the back for having such a smart baby who wouldn't compromise on what she needed. I was so conflicted about forcing the issue with the bottle that I stopped trying.

It didn't seem worth it to me to keep offering the bottle even though I didn't want to leave her. I tell moms at LLL who feel pressured to make their babies take bottles, it's perfectly okay not to give your baby a bottle, ever, if you don't want to. Eventually, when you have the desire to be out without the baby, you'll work things out.

When Miriam started to balk at the bottle a few weeks ago during my weekly tennis outing, there was no tender inner conflict. After 3 and a half years of 24 hour on call, I am ready for a break. Miriam is going to be a much more independant baby than Naomi was. I am not going to be tethered to bedtime this time. I might even leave her overnight with someone else on occasion before she turns four. Tonight, the fourth time I've left her in Josh and my dad's care at bedtime, she took the bottle without complaint, and fell asleep in bed.

Experience has taught me that there is room for moderation and experimentation. When Naomi was small I only saw slippery slopes all around me: my choices would lead to other choices which would lead me to compromise my parenting values. I thought if I chose to put her in a (gasp!) crib for the first part of the night, I would have to give up cosleeping. Or if I fed her food before nursing her I would hasten early weaning. Or if I switched to cloth I could never go back to disposables. I'm not sure why I was so rigid, I can only guess that the rules of the game were so murky, and the consequences of being wrong were so disastrous, being rigid in my choices was the only way I could cope.

Comments

[Moxie]

Shit, Kateri. You just wrote the crucial insight of mothering in the most concise language possible. It's like a laser beam to the gut.

Do you mind if I link this from Ask Moxie?

[Lilian]

Yes, excellent post - and Moxie knows about these things. (that's why I still think we should write that book :)

It's pretty amazing how we get more flexible after we have the second child! It's pretty similar with us here (I didn't use a bottle for Linton, but I gave him a pacifier instead :)

[Bethany]

Thank you for posting this. I think you've pinpointed exactly what we all learn when our second child is born.

[MoMo]

Yes, exactly. I always feel very nervous about making a crucial error so I tend to be so rigid about everything. I'm slowly learning to be more relaxed, but it's been a rough ride for sure.

[Elizabeth]

I don't even have a second child yet and I can already see where I will be much less rigid with #2 (and from here on out with #1, I hope!). I was much like you and still have not left my 1-yo for more than 2 hours (and that was to teach a class - actually once it was 4 hours, but that was just once!). A recent post at Ask Moxie has made me start thinking about why I am so afraid to leave her for a little longer or with anyone other than her dad. I'm not sorry that I have done things the way I have, though. Funny how I can sort of plan to do things a little differently with #2 when I am also not too critical of how I have done things with #1 - I think things had to be a little more rigid because in some ways I was going against the grain, and there *are* slippery slopes. I needed the rigidity for myself, not for my baby, to feel confident in the way I have chosen to parent, to keep myself from being too easily swayed by suggestions from others that I was holding her too much, etc. So I was 'rigid' (that doesn't seem like the right word, though), and she has done fine, and blossomed, and I now realize she would still have done so even if I had relaxed a little bit! But I still do not think that I held her too much...she doesn't want to be held much anymore and I miss it!

[Aria]

I was a nanny for years before Sarah came along, so I felt like I knew what I was doing vis a vis the actual caretaking stuff. The emotional and psychological stuff has thrown me for a loop though! I'm trying to grow into the parent I want to be and I just know that any future children will throw me for their own loops as well.

[Reese]

Sent by Moxie - great post! Thanks for letting us have a look!

[Charlotte]

Sent here via Moxie. I am still struggling to relax with #1, who is likely an only child. So, I'm trying to learn the lessons of motherhood the second time around without actually having that experience. It's tough.

[Kate]

I came here from Ask Moxie too. As the mother of an only child, your post made a lot of sense to me. It's so unknown, what to expect or do, and the consequences are staggering. Thank you for posting that.

[Menita]

Oh myes. This is such a great post. I realized only the other day that I have never been able to enjoy my daughter because my adoration of her is always tinged with anxiety over all the things I may be doing wrong. Yet I await her little brother in a far more relaxed frame of mind. Thank you for showing me why.

[Shandra]

Thank you for such a great post.

[Lisa]

Arrived via Moxie, too (arrived @ Moxie via Finslippy, FWIW). I've always wondered what it means that I feel as if I've parented my first [only] as others parent their second, third, etc. Ok, I'll confess, maybe I wasn't QUITE as cavalier in my decisions re: Zoe as some parents of #2, #3, etc. BUT I am pretty sure I didn't get quite so, um, wrapped around the axel - shall we say - about sleeping, eating, pooping, slinging vs. strollering, daycare, germs, etc. etc. etc. Some of my theories are: Zoe was an easy, adaptable, text-book baby, so things were easier and more predictable with her than it seemed like with some of my friends kids. Or, since my husband and I each work part-time outside the home we parented 50 / 50 from the start (lactation aside - but he did everything he could to compensate). So, from the beginning, there were 2 ways to do everything - his and mine. Or, we're "older parents" 36 and 40 respectively when Z was born. So, we’d witnessed a lot of parenting amongst our circle of friends before it was our turn. (Although, I know other "older parents" who were total freak shows when it came to parenting – neurotic, over-protective.) Anyway. Since I'm not having more kids we'll never know if I'd be even more relaxed about #2. But I've always felt a little defensive at the implication that one doesn't really get into the swing of parenting until #2 comes along. Sorry for such a long comment - got on a roll, I guess.

[Kate]

Also arrived via Moxie, but here to stay after seeing you have more than 30 slings :-)

My second is only 7 weeks old, but I can see that I will be more relaxed out of necessity. I just don't have enough hands to stress out.

When I am dealing with #1 (who could model 2 year old behavior even though she is two weeks shy), he fusses and cries more than I'd like. With her, during her "witching hour," I was constantly out of the house, bouncing her in a sling in the outdoors, where she was happier. He'd be happier doing that too, but now I'm pretty much a slave to the toddler schedule, so after 6 we're home doing the dinner-bath-bed routine.

Anyone can hold him. Anyone can comfort him. If I can find five seconds I will pump a bottle so I can try to go to the grocery store alone :-) And there is NO WAY in hell I am giving up my monthly book club. For now he comes with me, but he's showing signs that his bedtime is 8pm, so this month could be the last of that.

I guess I am pretty happy with the way #1 is turning out (overall), and despite all the stress and planning we just followed our instincts. No reason we can't do that again.

[wix, via askmoxie]

There was nothing quite like not being able to exclusively breastfeed (PCOS supply issues and hypoplastic breasts) that pretty well kept me from being rigid.

As a perfectionist control freak, I am sure I would have been much more tightly wound if I'd been able to do everything -just so-, as I'd planned, but from day one (quite literally), nothing went as I'd planned, so my situation demanded flexibility.

I would have made myself sick if I hadn't been able to change plans and adapt to something new as quickly as I did. Not that it was easy, but I think in the long run my initial disappointment has made me a better and more capable parent.

I really never thought about it in quite those terms until I read your post, so, thanks for helping me see more clearly how not being able to 'get it right' the first time around was to my benefit.

[Kelly]

In some ways, I'm a bit more uptight with #2, but only because being successful at breastfeeding is new this time around. Horrible experience with #1, latch problems, supply issues, etc.

But I'm not so freaked out by crying this time around. Not so worried about making a 'mistake,' or messing up my kid forever.

And God yes, I would leave my kids more regularly if I could 1)afford a babysitter, and 2)get my littlest one to take the boob juice via a cup.

But, I'm leaving her this weekend for a baby shower and will be gone approximately 6-8 hours. She'll survive...something I never would have said the first time around.

[Meli]

I was unbelievably rigid with my twins. I still have the spreadsheets (don't laugh!) where I would log their eating, sleeping, pooping patterns. The doc said they had to eat every 2 1/2 hours since they were preemies, so I was strict to that schedule. Even through the night. I was the one waking THEM up to feed. I was nuts! I hope to have more children in the future (the kids are now 3 1/2 years old) and I KNOW I'll be more flexible.