Back in the day, I loved astrology. It was a tidy way to categorize people, and I loved to think about the significance of this planet in that house blah blah blah. I could talk astrology for hours. I know that I'm a libra with a taurus ascendant, moon in libra, mercury in libra, venus in virgo, mars in cancer, saturn in leo. I used to know what this all meant.
Now I find myself scanning the dusty books in the neglected back of my bookshelves to find the resources I used to have on astrology. I haven't cracked these books in eight or nine years, and I haven't seen them since we moved. I'm a little afraid they were purged by someone much more rationally minded than me, whose disdain for everything astrological is epic. Not naming any names.
Have you ever heard of the saturn return? Apparently we 28 year olds have our work cut out for us. This is what has me reaching for those old books.
I haven't felt this kind of upheaval in my life before. Like Jo said while we chatted on the phone the other day, it's like someone sits you down and tells you everything you've done right so far, and everything you've done wrong. I am questioning everything, shedding old skin, being reborn. It's like someone is whispering in my ear, "It's time..."
I also have a bad case of the fuck-its. Things that would send me into cold sweats six months ago are met with an apathetic "fuck it". Like, what people think about what I'm doing, writing, wearing, whatever. I just. don't. care anymore. Don't like me talking honestly about my marriage? Fuck it. Don't like my batty housewife sweater? Fuck that too.
Some gems for those who don't want to click the link:
"Saturn strips away illusions and points out limitations, allowing you to view yourself in a harsh, often unflattering light. At the same time, it endows you with prudence, practicality, and the perseverance to work hard toward achieving your purposes. Consequently, this is a good time to rearrange your career or lay the foundation for a new one."
"Saturn Return almost always requires some major adjustments in lifestyle, attitudes, and relationships. Anything you have outgrown, or have tolerated but not found satisfying, must end now or be altered to meet your emerging needs."
"For most of us, ending a phase of life that is familiar and embarking on one that is new and untried is unsettling, even painful. Few people describe Saturn Return as a pleasant period. While undergoing your Saturn Return you may find yourself turning inward and reflecting on your individual destiny. You examine your true needs and desires and the role you want to play on the world's stage. You may feel lonely and alienated from those around you, while family and friends think you are shutting them out. But this is a necessary period of consolidation, when you must retreat from the distractions of the outer world and focus on yourself at your most fundamental level."
"Often interpersonal relationships are deeply affected by Saturn Return. Gail Sheehy writes in Passages: Predictable Crises in Adult Life that during this period "Almost everyone who is married will question that commitment." The U.S. Census Bureau lists the peak divorce years as ages twenty-eight to thirty."
Oh. That explains a lot.