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Thursday, January 26, 2006

Comments

petunia

I'm sorry, i think everyone is just too sensative. Birthmother means the woman gave "birth" to the child....period...nothing more. Adoptedmoter or Amother - "adopted" the child. BM is only short for birthmother (take it in context)...just like DH is dear husband and not Di** Head.
People can put their own spin on anything. When it's close to you - you are sensative about it and take offense more easily. I don't get mad when people say anything about me being adopted or "who do you look like?" etc....it's life, people don't know what hurts you. Everyone is different - people just need to NOT be SO sensative!

p

I'm sorry, i think everyone is just too sensative. Birthmother means the woman gave "birth" to the child....period...nothing more. Adoptedmother or Amother - "adopted" the child. BM is only short for birthmother (take it in context)...just like DH is dear husband and not Di** Head.
People can put their own spin on anything. When it's close to you - you are sensative about it and take offense more easily. I don't get mad when people say anything about me being adopted or "who do you look like?" etc....it's life, people don't know what hurts you. Everyone is different - people just need to NOT be SO sensative!

kim.kim

That Away2Me person seriously needs to learn to be respectful. Fancy being so deliberately rude not once but twice here. The second time she makes a point of using the word birthmother just to be insulting. Shame on you. She is not the sort of person who should be adopting, not until she learns some respect.

petunia

I do like Biomom now that i read all the previous posts - sounds like she is bionic and can leap tall buildings like superman/woman!

Sue

Hi, I am new to your blog and diving in with a comment on a post you are probably totally over, but want to thank you for your candor, and applaud you for the courage it took not to delete some of the reactions you got to your very personal thoughts and feelings, which should have been respected as yours, not an idictment on anyone else's.

I am an adoptive mother, and have a rare opportunity in int'l adoption to connect eventually with my child's birthparents, if they want that. I use the term birthparents when I want my meaning understood, since it is the currently accepted vernacular, but I honestly thought I came up with the term "first" mother one day when I was trying to think of a respectful term for my child's biological mother (also a term that doesn't bother me because it is just a fact to me).

My husband is adopted and has birthmom contact. His relationship with her is distant but has been very helpful in understanding parts of himself he could not understand without that contact. He is SO much more like her than his adoptive parents and even though it was a same-race adoption, he often felt like an alien growing up. Not his aparents fault. It just worked out like that.

My daughter recently started calling her first mother her tummy mommy, which is a term I had previously objected to, and never taught her. To me it sounds too much like incubator, or conduit to adoption. But for her, it was just easier to say than "the mommy whose tummy I came from."

But we know that my daughter not only has a tummy mommy she has a whole family who surrendered her, which is often not considered when we talk about birthmoms. She has a father, and at least one sister and any number of relatives. (The surrender was due to a unique special need that they could not handle.)

So the only term I can think of that makes logical sense is first family, which sounds like it is from the White House. Or India family. But India family encompasses her loving caregivers, with whom we have also been fortunate enough to be in touch.

She just calls me mommy, and her every instinct draws her to me when she needs to feel safe and protected and nurtured. I have no doubts about that. She was with her first mommy for two months and I have no problem being her second mommy because I am, just as I am not her biological mommy. None of that changes how we feel about each other as mother and daughter with all the love and stress that relationship entails.

I haven't met anyone like me, yet. In fact there are other children who lived in the same place my child did, and who will not even have anything to do with caregiver contact. It makes me sad for their kids, and their caregivers who in many ways were like birthmothers, especially for the premies. My daughter at this point is more interested in seeing her caregivers again some day than her first mom, but I think that will change and evolve over time if she is given enough room to be open.

Sorry to turn your blog post into a blog post of my own.....but you got me goin'. I'll be back!

Sue

Addendum to my last comment: I messed up in the final paragraph, what I meant to say was there are adoptive parents of children with whom my daughter was raised in the orphanage who will have nothing to do with caregiver contact, and won't stay in touch with me either. These kids grew up like siblings together and ranged from one to seven in age when they were separated. They definitely grieved those loses. Several of them do remember one another and I had hoped we adoptive parents could stay in touch so the kids can know each other, but none of them will cooperate at a minimal level. They claim they are too busy. They just absorbed their kids and put their kids' past behind them, out of a protective instinct I guess, but to me, protecting my daughter's past history is as important as protecting her present. And it has not hurt her one bit to be in touch, to remember. I don't know why so many parents think that forgetting and covering up truth is good for kids. I don't get it.

omolararose

I just started to blog today and it's been interesting to find this blog about birth parents, etc!! Having had a host of "mothers" in my life time!

Ryan

Upon discovering that the term 'birthmother" was offensive, we have started using first-mom. It easy to switch over... and more respectfull I think! Also, I have no problem being the "second-mom" because , well, that's what I am!!! ANd to the commentor who said that they get criticized for not adopting out-of-country, FYI... we get criticized for not adopting IN country!!!
Ryan

Dawn

Well, I have to say I am shocked by the uproar over the term birthmother. This word has been in my vocabulary for 16 years. I had no idea that it was considered derrogatory to anyone. You see, I am both a birthmother and an adoptive mother. After the birth of my son 16 years ago I placed him for adoption. After I married 12 years ago, my husband and I were able to have a child together, but then were unable to become pregnant again so we adopted a baby girl in 2007. I am now, and have always been, referred to as birthmother. I actually considered the term an honor, so much so that I refer to my daughter's first mother as birthmother. Can someone please explain the derrogatory connection to this term? I guess I'm just a little confused or maybe just behind in the politically correct.

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