*Now with Responses!* oversensitive semantics, splitting hairs, what have you

I wonder if this is a pattern. Postpartum, I rethink adoption, I dwell on adoption, I move to a new place with adoption, and yes, I heal a little bit.

I have been thinking about the term "birthmother". I've always been uneasy with it. Like Cookie says, "it sounds too much like some kind of a mysterious entity, not a mother of any kind, but, a "babymaker". " I use it more for clarity's sake, it's a word that most people know (I don't think anyone outside of the adoption world knows what a "lifemother" is). I sit with it because there don't seem to be any clear, simple alternatives to distinguish what kind of mother I am. "Birthmother" doesn't make me feel like a mother. It makes me feel like a throwaway.

"Birthmother" is further disabled by internet acronyms. There's the unfortunate "BM" (as if we need another reminder that we are worth shit). People don't use this much, except for the uninformed. "Bmom" was often used at the forum I used to lurk in, which would have been fine if it didn't subconciously put us on a lower plane than the "Amom". Another unfortunate quirk of language, not at all intentional, I know. But it always bothered me, as it cemented the notion that I belong on a lower rung, I am fundamentally unimportant.

"Lifemother" bothers me for different reasons. It means basically the same thing as birthmother, without the cultural baggage of having been used, in an often derogatory way, for years. In much the same way as "birthmother", it whittles my purpose down to one act, I gave E. life. A mother only for birth, only for giving life. It implies I have no other, ongoing purpose. It's a naive attempt to reduce the stigma without an understanding of the central problem, cleaning up the exterior while leaving the broken interior untouched.

"First Mother" is a term I can begin to like. It's literal and clean. I am E.'s first. mother. I came before her second mother. I am her mother, her first mother. It acknowleges that E. has more than one mother. "First mother" will never fly, however. I think most adoptive mothers would chafe at the notion that they are "second" to their kids, the same way that I chafe at my "b" status.

The same goes for "natural mother". The implication that adoptive mothers are "unnatural" I think is unfair. I am not about to imply that Marta or Dawn is an unnatural mother. Sure, their kids didn't come to them via nature, but "unnatural" has too negative a connotation.

Why can't there be a term for each mother that doesn't cancel out or degrade the contributions of the "other" side?

*Responses to a comment*

I don't even know what to think of myself as. I default to "birthmother" even though I don't like the way it fits. Society will probably always call me a birthmother. E. will probably always refer to me as her "birthmom" or "birthmother".

The point of my post is that I don't have the answers. I can't tell you what to call me and others like me that won't "make you out to be a bad person", because, clearly, it's different for everyone.

"Good intentions" are nice, but they don't go quite far enough in something as emotional and complex as adoption. E. parents have always had "the best intentions". You need education to back it up.

Language fails to capture what I am. I'm sorry my thinking about this "irritated" you.

Comments

[kim]

I like mother for natural mother and mum for adoptive mother. Or other mother for the one you are referring to (ha ha confusing but oh well). Natural mother is my favourite, not to be insulting to adoptive mothers it's just the truth, it's not meant to say the other is not natural. Anything BUT birthmother pleeeeeze!!

[Aimee]

I have the same issues. After 20 years of using it, birthmother just doesn't bug me too much. If I don't think about it much. Most of the others bug me *more* for the same reasons as you. Lifemother completely irks me. First mother feels best to me.

[Away2Me]

As a prospective adoptive parent who is going through a very hellish time with adoption right now, your post irritated me. I won't say it made me mad, it didn't, it just irritated me.

Here's the thing, both myself and my husband have no issues regarding where we will stand as parents in an adoptive parents roll. Nor do we wish to harm, put on a lower level or in other way make the person who created and gives birth to the child that will enter our lives, feel bad.

But would someone please tell me how on earth adoptive parents are suppose to make everyone happy and comfortable with the terms we use?

First Mother, Natural Mother, Birth Mother, Life Mother, I don't care! Just tell me what I can say that won't make me out to be a bad person. I'm so sick of people telling us we are wrong to adopt, we are wrong for not adopting out of country, etc., etc.

We just want to be parents. Maybe we should have gone through IVF and tried more ART proceedures. We were simply naive when we started this process to think that all we needed to do was love a child. Because you know what, adoption sucks if that's all you think it is. No matter how much you know you will love the adopted child that enters your life, people dont' care. There are web sites out there that consider me evil because I believe in adoption and because I want to adopt and have non-visitation after placement type of adoption. The only person who should really count in adoption is the child, not the adoptive parents or the life mother, birth mother, etc. The child! The child needs to decided IF and WHEN he or she wants to establish a relationship with his/her biological family. The adoptive parents have the job of making sure they support that decision and do everything they can to make sure that the child knows they support that decision.

I didn't want to write this long of a post and get off track as much as I did, but I'm just so sick of everyone being so frickin' sensative to good intentioned wording. If you know in your heart what you are to E. than you won't care what someone calls you.

[Stacy]

Umm... Away... the thing is that this is Kateri's post. It is her bandwidth and if she chooses to write about the pain this causes her, you don't really have much to say about it, unless you want to create a post about it on your own blog.

I agree (as I am an amom myself) that sometimes I feel frustrated because no matter what phrase I use to refer to my daughter's biological mother, I'm going to piss somebody off. You can't please all the people all the time. However, the people who get pissed still have a right to express their feelings. In my case, I go with 'birthmother' because that's what my daughter's other mother prefers.

[afrindiemum]

having the same issue here. was going to post something about - just tell me what works and i'll use it - because i don't have a preference :)

i don't mind first mother at all. i wouldn't call myself a second mother, but rather adoptive mother or just mama in reference to who i am to z.

but how about something like mama kateri? we call pea and purl mama pea and papa purl. when z gets older, she can change that if she wants.

[Marisa]

The semantics are so difficult. As a soon-to-be adoptive parent I hope that my partner and I will be able to work out something with the person who gave birth to the baby we adopt (how did you like that little dance?) around language that works for all of us. Since we are both women, I always get stuck on the "first mom" language - it makes sense to me on some levels, but since two-mom families (bio or adoptive) are constantly fighting a public battle to be recognized as equal parents (think about the phrase "real mom" in that context), I struggle with that one in particular. This issue almost needs a whole new language, doesn't it?

[AmericanFamily]

Speaking for myself, I personally prefer "first mother" or maybe even "other mother" (though the rhyming makes that kind of a mouth full).

Like Afrindiemum, I would probably refer to myself as just "mother" unless it was in the context of explaining it to the kiddo, in that situation "second mother" or "adoptive mother" wouldn't bother me. Our kid will have two mothers, I'm cool with that. I don't feel like I need to be all competative about not letting someone else be "first" to my "second".

Should we end up with a situation in which openess is possible (extremely unlikely), I would be ok with the first mom making the choice as to what she is called (it would probably be in CHinese, so it isnt really applicable to your post about options though ;)

[Adria]

When I first heard an adoptive mom refer to her child's first mom, I thought it was a little strange. If we ever do adopt, maybe that's the term I'll use. I didn't realize birth mother had the potential to be hurtful.

{{{hugs}}} to you, too.

[JP]

I just couldn't go away without sending you an internet hug. I don't have any answers or suggestions...

You are a mother. And that is so incredibly special in every way.

[mamamarta]

i am trying to rid the term "birthmother" from my vocabulary, but it's hard. what i have settled on is to refer to "birthmothers" as simply mothers, and adoptive mothers as simply mothers, and to use a somewhat cumbersome but accurate description of the circumstances making that person a mother when the context requires that. so for example, if i were having a conversation in which it was clear whom i was speaking of, i simply refer to micah's mother, or even mom. for example, if someone asks, "what do you know about micah's birthfamily?" i would say, "well, his mom is... and his dad is... and he has two sisters who...." and if the context didn't make it clear, i would say, i think, "micah's mom who placed him with us for adoption." or something like that. in a pinch, i guess i like "first mother" better than any other label.

we've had to get used to the fact that there isn't good language out there for multiple moms, since micah actually has *three* moms (poor kid!) so, for example, in trixie's case, i hate the term "bio mom" to refer to julie and "non-bio mom" to refer to me. as though julie's whole relationship with trixie can be reduced to their biological connection, and even worse, my relationship can be defined by what it's not. yuck.

as for away2me's suggestion that this is just about people being "too frickin sensitive," i would point out that language matters enormously, especially when you're part of a group which society has marginalized. marginalization happens in many ways through language, and one of the ways a marginalized group can redefine themselves for themselves, as well as the rest of us, it to reclaim appropriate and positive langauge. language is not a minor thing.

it's not easy having to be sensitive to everyone's needs, especially when it feels like some of those folks are hostile to you. but by definition, adoption creates a family that is just different than the one you would have formed without it. and if you want to do adoption ethically, you need to be sensitive to all the needs of all the people in that family. and in the end, *that* is what's going to meet the needs of the child.

[Kirsty]

Language is tricky and has so many painful pitfalls. I like First Mother too, but I think that's because it makes me think of First Peoples.

Lifemother sounds really odd to me - I'd never heard it before and actually I immediately assumed it was the term for the adoptive mother so I think it's a bit confusing.

Personally I use 'biological father' for Kieran's absent father. It's a bit unwieldy but it pretty much sums it up. He has never been a father to my son and at this stage I see him as little more than a sperm donor. He chose not to remain involved when he knew I was pregnant, despite us having been in a relationship for about 3 years, so I don't feel he has any rights to claim anything other than a genetic connection. I don't know if he regrets walking away but he could easily find us if he choose to.

I must admit that I'd be pretty furious if someone were to call A. Kieran's 'real dad' - boy, that term 'real' is pretty loaded in these contexts, isn't it!

Other people will occasionally use 'stepdad' in relation to my partner but we always just call him Kieran's dad. That was something we let Kieran choose though, Cat's been in his life for more than 11 years and after a few years Kieran started calling him 'Dad'. It was never something we pushed at all and we've always been very clear about his actual origins.

[Moxie]

Away2Me, the woman who gave birth to the child and the child are always part of each other. If you hurt one, you hurt the other. To say that the only person who matters in the whole adoption is the child inherently devalues the women who carried and gave birth to the child, which actually hurts the child, too. Does that make any sense?

Keep rolling with the frustration and anger you're feeling right now. It means you're in the worst part and are starting to learn and sort things out. (FWIW, I don't pretend to understand adoption--I just recognize myself in the frustration you're expressing from times when I've been reading things that were hurtful to me but that eventually helped me to learn and grow in my understanding of different people's experiences.) I hope things start to be more clear and less painful soon.

[Manuela]

Wow... it's amazing how complicated it all is... so many legitimately complex feelings to consider if adoption is actually ever going to be a truly humane and equitable experience for mother, child, and potential adoptive parent.

I, for ome, absolutely do not agree that the ONLY person who matters is the child... it saddens me to read this. After what I know you, and my own mother endured... among countless untold others, I could never dismiss a human being like that... particulary a a mother to a child being relinquished for adoption. That woman's feelings, in my mind, are absolutely germaine to the whole humanity of the process.

As far as labels... this is so hard... and as you, yourself said, Kateri... there is no easy answer. But I do know this... your FEELINGS about these labels matter. Imagine if adoptive parents had been dismissed or marginalized by society throughout history... I think they would mind if they were labelled... oh... say... substitute mothers. Or how about... barren mothers... infertile mothers... runner up mothers. Sounds horrible doesn't it. But those are accurate terms... why should an adoptive mother care? What difference does it make? Funny isn't it... how it suddenly doesn't seem ridiculous to be sensitive about labels... even if there's no obvious solution for suitable terminology.

I don't know... perhaps it's all too much for some people... too much for them to assimilate... I just hope those people don't go ahead and adopt without resolving these struggles first...

[Away2Me]

Posts are allowed to irritate your readers. My post irritate readers of my blog and obviously my comment irritated readers here. I believe that is how we learn, we get irritated enough to respond.

Moxie said: "the woman who gave birth to the child and the child are always part of each other. If you hurt one, you hurt the other. To say that the only person who matters in the whole adoption is the child inherently devalues the women who carried and gave birth to the child, which actually hurts the child, too. Does that make any sense?"

Yes, that does make sense. However, I don't think putting the child first devalues the birth mother, in fact I think it honors the birth mother. In the end we all have to make sure that the child's feelings are number one. They are the only ones that don't have any say in this.

In no way ever would I want to hurt the woman who created, loved and shared her child with us. I will never make a promise I can't keep and I will never lie to her. NEVER. That is just a small part of the way I will honor my child's birth mother.

[Away2Me]

Manuela,
I think you need to reread my first comment. My point was I, as a hopeful adoptive mom DO care about what to call birth/life/natural/first moms! That's why the orignial post irritated me and I'm sorry if the word irritated offended. I do care and I feel that no matter how much I care, no matter what term is used someone will be offended or irritated, if I didn't use the term they want adoptive families to use. I guess I only need to worry about what works for the woman who chooses us.

[Erin]

Ah, shucks, Kateri. You always make me think. Sometimes it hurts to read the posts, but then I'm always grateful, because you've made me push myself a little bit more and think a little bit harder.

Damn, I'm glad you're here and I'm glad your willing to express yourself.

[Katie]

Why not just call yourself a biological mother? I have 2 adopted children and their parents are not in their life (rights terminated), but they exist and when we have questions or comments about them in our family we call them biological parents. I am the mom to my children. They know they were not born from me. They know they were picked by us because they were in a bad circumstance with their biological parents. I believe my daughter will one day seek out her biological mother, and hopefully, she will not be disappointed in what she finds. I'll support her all the way.

[Sarah V.]

I like 'first mother' as well, but I don't think 'second mother' would be the best term for an adoptive mother. Not so much because I think it's demeaning to the mother - as someone who may possibly adopt in the future, I really don't feel bothered by the title. To me, it's no more demeaning than calling the child a second child - it's simply a fact. What I'd be worried about would be the way it might sound to the child. If you have a first mother and a second mother, doesn't that imply that at some point you might get handed on to a third mother?

At the moment, I think 'first mother' and 'adoptive mother' is the best combination we're going to get. And I do agree with Kim that a lot of the time, in practice, you can simply refer to the 'other mother', which I like even better in those cases where it can be used.

Thanks, Kateri, for making me think as always.

[Dru]

Just to throw my two cents in, I am adopted and I've never liked the term birth mother either although not for the reasons mentioned. I met my birth mother when I was 23 and we're very close now. I'm so glad that we were able to connect and that she is very much a part of my live and my children's lives. But having said that, she's not my mother. To me my mother is the woman who raised me. Even now 4 years after my mother's death, I still don't think of my birth mother as my mother. I can't really describe how I feel about her. She's definitely a part of me. I remember when we first met, it was like there was this absolute connection there, this "yes, it's you" type of feeling. We have so many similarities, so much that we share. But while she considers me her daughter, despite having been pregnant and given birth 3 times to my own children, I still can't make that leap and feel that she's my mother. So yes, the term birth mother feels strange on my tongue. Not to mention if I tell someone I'm meeting my birth mother, it always sounds like we're having some big emotional reunion you'd see on Oprah. Sometimes I call her biomom, but she says that makes her sound like the Bionic Woman. She says she never really uses any term, if anyone asks her if she has any children she just says yes and leaves it at that.

[magicpointeshoe]

Do you have a livejournal account so that you could read protected posts of friends? If not it would be a good time to get one... I'm blogging a pretty darn good adoption topic right now and could use some imput.

[petunia]

I'm sorry, i think everyone is just too sensative. Birthmother means the woman gave "birth" to the child....period...nothing more. Adoptedmoter or Amother - "adopted" the child. BM is only short for birthmother (take it in context)...just like DH is dear husband and not Di** Head.
People can put their own spin on anything. When it's close to you - you are sensative about it and take offense more easily. I don't get mad when people say anything about me being adopted or "who do you look like?" etc....it's life, people don't know what hurts you. Everyone is different - people just need to NOT be SO sensative!

[p]

I'm sorry, i think everyone is just too sensative. Birthmother means the woman gave "birth" to the child....period...nothing more. Adoptedmother or Amother - "adopted" the child. BM is only short for birthmother (take it in context)...just like DH is dear husband and not Di** Head.
People can put their own spin on anything. When it's close to you - you are sensative about it and take offense more easily. I don't get mad when people say anything about me being adopted or "who do you look like?" etc....it's life, people don't know what hurts you. Everyone is different - people just need to NOT be SO sensative!

[kim.kim]

That Away2Me person seriously needs to learn to be respectful. Fancy being so deliberately rude not once but twice here. The second time she makes a point of using the word birthmother just to be insulting. Shame on you. She is not the sort of person who should be adopting, not until she learns some respect.

[petunia]

I do like Biomom now that i read all the previous posts - sounds like she is bionic and can leap tall buildings like superman/woman!

[Sue]

Hi, I am new to your blog and diving in with a comment on a post you are probably totally over, but want to thank you for your candor, and applaud you for the courage it took not to delete some of the reactions you got to your very personal thoughts and feelings, which should have been respected as yours, not an idictment on anyone else's.

I am an adoptive mother, and have a rare opportunity in int'l adoption to connect eventually with my child's birthparents, if they want that. I use the term birthparents when I want my meaning understood, since it is the currently accepted vernacular, but I honestly thought I came up with the term "first" mother one day when I was trying to think of a respectful term for my child's biological mother (also a term that doesn't bother me because it is just a fact to me).

My husband is adopted and has birthmom contact. His relationship with her is distant but has been very helpful in understanding parts of himself he could not understand without that contact. He is SO much more like her than his adoptive parents and even though it was a same-race adoption, he often felt like an alien growing up. Not his aparents fault. It just worked out like that.

My daughter recently started calling her first mother her tummy mommy, which is a term I had previously objected to, and never taught her. To me it sounds too much like incubator, or conduit to adoption. But for her, it was just easier to say than "the mommy whose tummy I came from."

But we know that my daughter not only has a tummy mommy she has a whole family who surrendered her, which is often not considered when we talk about birthmoms. She has a father, and at least one sister and any number of relatives. (The surrender was due to a unique special need that they could not handle.)

So the only term I can think of that makes logical sense is first family, which sounds like it is from the White House. Or India family. But India family encompasses her loving caregivers, with whom we have also been fortunate enough to be in touch.

She just calls me mommy, and her every instinct draws her to me when she needs to feel safe and protected and nurtured. I have no doubts about that. She was with her first mommy for two months and I have no problem being her second mommy because I am, just as I am not her biological mommy. None of that changes how we feel about each other as mother and daughter with all the love and stress that relationship entails.

I haven't met anyone like me, yet. In fact there are other children who lived in the same place my child did, and who will not even have anything to do with caregiver contact. It makes me sad for their kids, and their caregivers who in many ways were like birthmothers, especially for the premies. My daughter at this point is more interested in seeing her caregivers again some day than her first mom, but I think that will change and evolve over time if she is given enough room to be open.

Sorry to turn your blog post into a blog post of my own.....but you got me goin'. I'll be back!