Illusions

E. turned 8 on Saturday.

8 years ago today I left the hospital and handed her off to her parents. I was euphoric. We have pictures from that day. I was smiling through tears, Josh looks like he had the soul sucked out of him.

I still wonder at the power of my...denial? illusions? that got me through placement. I believed without question that it was the right thing to do, I think if I had doubted it at all the whole house of cards would have fallen and I would not have been able to place her. I knew this at the time, I planned strategies to keep myself from reconsidering after she was born. Sending her home with the adoptive parents directly from the hospital was a big part of that plan.

I believed I knew better, was more clear-headed, pre-birth than I would be post-birth.  I planned for the "temporary insanity" induced by becoming a mother. I indentified myself as a birthmother long before E. was born.

I was looking forward to a shiny new life, where I could put my bad girl self behind me and pick up the pieces, go back to school, get myself a real life. Keeping the baby represented the loss of all that hope. Keeping the baby felt like going backwards, going back to my parent's house, back to dependency and childhood, in a way. Letting my mistakes trap me into a life without possibility, which is what motherhood was to me. (That is a post by itself. It is not an uncommon sentiment in my post-feminist generation; motherhood is the End of Everything. People are very quick to remind you of evertthing to be lost when you become a mother, from your girlish figure to your intellignce and personality.)

Placing the baby felt like a "do-over". It felt like I was moving forward, rectifying mistakes, giving myself another chance.

It's all so ironic. Placing pulled me backwards: depression, disordered eating, drug abuse, thank god I got married or there would have been all kinds of inapropriate sex in there too, and all the baggage it leads to. All that stuff I was looking forward to? It evaporated. No new life, no new hope, just my worst self with an incurable emptyness in my soul. No redemption. All that stuff I wanted, that I thought mattered more to me than my baby, turned out not to matter at all.

Maybe someone tried to warn me of the scale of the loss I was going to expereince. I don't remember. I know that in my state of mind at the time I would never have heard them. I was doing adoption in a modern, pragmatic way, researching and planning and I was different than they were, adoption is different now, I am not going to fall apart like that.

This is the reason I simply cannot deal with women considering adoption for their babies. I can't stand talking, knowing my words are falling on deaf ears, and remembering how immovable my own mind was. I can't stand not talking, and letting them walk into the silent, thankless world of birthmotherhood without a warning.

Comments

[rach]

hmmm...
Wow. I really am speechless after that post.

The world of birthmotherhood IS thankless. I am not a birthmother who has given their child up for adoption, but I can see that. The adoptive parents say, "Thanks, see you later!" and drive off.

But then again, how DO you thank someone adequately for giving the gift of a child to you? I don't think there is enough thanks in the world.

Rach

[barb]

wow, E is just 6 weeks older than the Kiddo. i remember thinking many of the same things, the "I" statements. you just don't ever know, and i thought i was uber prepared.

there was no smiling through tears for me. it was more "what the hell just happened"?

[Away2Me]

As a hopeful adoptive parent it kills me to read this post. It kills me that your relationship didn't work out with E's parents.

It leaves me feeling sad and confused. Confused because there must be some birthfamilies where adoption really is what they want and what is best for them. Sad because I'm sad for your situation and sad because for me, becoming a mommy won't happen unless someone decides we should be parents to their child.

[speakingformyself]

Your words continue to be fearlessly self-searching.

[Lisa V]

I really wish you were sharing E's life. I just can't imagine an adoptive family not honoring their committments to their children's birth families.

I am sorry for your grief too Kateri. I wish their was something that we could do to help you out.

[mamamarta]

wow kate. you always make me think so much. i'm just thinking and thinking, and trying to articulate something, but it never seems quite right -- maybe i'll try on my blog soon. voices like yours are so so important. thank you for being brave. and i'm very sorry for your loss.

marta

[Manuela]

How completely heart-wrenching... my soul just aches as I think of what you've been through... and of course... it also makes me think of the anguish my own birthmother endured.

Thanks for being so incredibly honest and open, Kateri.

[kim]

I can relate and relive so much of what you say. Led to believe you were doing the right thing and that you would go on and make a life for yourself. That you would both benefit from this, she would have a great life and you would go on and conquer the world. Nobody told me that I would be carrying a heavy stone of grief in my throat while trying to conquer the world. Beautiful post.

[Moxie]

Oh, Kateri. My heart aches for you. I'm so so sorry you have this weight on you.

[running2ks]

Oh.wow.

I could never have imagined the depth of the emotions involved. You really need to give speeches, write books--get this out there.

Happy Birthday to E. You made that possible.

[Adria]

Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones but this post nearly has me in tears. I consider myself an adoptive mother, even though my adoption failed after waiting for 2 1/2 years. I hope to someday adopt. I have read plenty about the issues. And yet I still want it to be easy. I still don't want all parties to hurt so much. I'm sorry that you have been hurt so much.

[Beanie Baby]

(((Kateri)))

[Phantom Scribbler]

You know I'm lurking here, too, Kateri. I wish I knew what to say. I'm sorry, so sorry.

[zipzap]

I'm an adoptee-- I've been reading your blog for a while, but only lurking till now. This was a beautiful post. So sorry for what you're going through.

[yankeetransplant]

There are adoptive mothers out here who would like birthmothers not to feel this emptiness. I'm sorry. I wish I could help. Your posts are so heartfelt.

[Jody]

I'm sorry, Kateri. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

[Beth]

I wish it were different for you.

[PS]

Sorry I missed this.

Happy Birth Day.

I hope you were able to do something special for yourself.

I was much the same early on- thinking I'd be able to go on to do all the things I still needed to do. Sending her home with them from the hospital because I knew that if I took her home, I'd never place.

My SW tried to warn me- she was one of the good ones. I resisted every suggestion and every word of caution. I, too, thought I was different.

I am more peaceful about my decision, but still reading your post, I had to evaluate. I ended up losing my job. My romantic relationships are a mess (after all, who wants to date a birthmother? who even knows how to date a birthmother?). Although I had just started my Master's when I found myself pregnant, I haven't been back to school since. I no longer live in my own place with the freedom to be who I am.

Adoption didn't save me.

Anyway, wonderful post. You really made me think.

[Lilian]

I was just thinking to myself -- why didn't I comment? And then I remembered I was in Brazil last year, without an internet connection, most probably (though I did read the post later).

I think whenever you have the time to think and write about it, you should pick up this topic you just suggested in a parenthesis again:

"That is a post by itself. It is not an uncommon sentiment in my post-feminist generation; motherhood is the End of Everything. People are very quick to remind you of evertthing to be lost when you become a mother, from your girlish figure to your intellignce and personality."

This is really something that needs to be discussed. That and the firm belief that young people are not fit to be parents. I was just reading several of Jenna's posts in that adoption something site (after Dawn met her and linked to her in her blog) and what she wrote about the feelings she had when her son was born -- that she definitely could have handled a baby, that a baby doesn't need that much, just love and care, etc...

I only now watched Whale Rider and I know that Keisha Castle-Hughes is pregnant -- I went online to find out more about it and it's incredible how people think it's "the end of the world" when people that young are pregnant and about to have babies. No wonder there's so much pressure for young moms to give them up for adoption. (and there's Allison Crews essay too).

Well, sorry for the huge comment, but I'd love for you to pick that topic up, if not here, you know where.