Weepy Day

It took me about a hundred years to pull myself together this morning.

Yesterday, I got a letter from E.'s parents in response to that phone call a few months ago. It came yesterday afternoon, and I skimmed it to get the gist, and so far, I haven't sat down and read it thoroughly. My mother read it and Josh read it. I know generally what it says: "We don't know why you're dissatisfied, we kept to the letter of our agreement". What stood out was at the end of the letter, they stated that they thought that E. having any kind of contact with Naomi and her future siblings would "irreparably damage" E.'s relationship with her brother. At that point I put the letter down. I couldn't read any more. I have been fighting tears ever since. I have been a mess all day. I am barely holding it together.

I don't know what I am grieving, exactly. That no consideration was given to the feelings of my famliy, of my children? That I am losing E. all over again, because it's all gotten "too hard"? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Right now the pain is too intense to locate its genesis. It is blinding.

If I had never made that phone call, I wonder when it would have come out that they intended to end our visits to salvage the sibling relationship?

All day I have been composing responses in my head. I wish I could post the letter here. I want to send them literature, short articles about open adoption, in an attempt to illustrate why, exactly, I am dissatisfied. Not that it will rescue the relationship, or anything. I will post my response before I send it.

In thinking back, I wonder how much I missed in those heady early days when we were getting to know each other. I remember the moment when we signed the (not legally binding) open adoption contract at the agency. The contract outlined a basic structure for an open adoption: something like, visits yearly, pictures every six months. It was far less than I expected, and I said so. I said something like "we will never need this. Our relationship is already beyond it". What I remember is that everyone was as enthusiastic as I was. What I wonder now is if everyone else in the room was only along for the ride. Maybe my enthusiasm was infectious.

Most of all, I wish this letter hadn't come on my birthday. It's that extra kick in the pants, that they didn't know, or care, when my birthday is, that I am not worthy of that kind of friendship in their eyes. That kind of friendship is, in essence, all I ever really wanted from them.

Comments

[Aimee]

Oh Kateri :( I'm sad right along with you.

[Lilian]

Oh, no... not on your birthday! This is inexpressibly sad, I don't even know what to say.

[Lynn]

I am so sorry. I have a hard time fathoming the thinking behind that letter.

[Adria]

Happy Birthday. I'm so sorry about the letter, and the timing. That really stinks. Especially when you thought your relationship with them was one thing and it's really another. That's gotta hurt. :(

[Dawn]

I am so sorry. I am furious on your behalf and on the children's behalf. I wish, too, that it hasn't come on your birthday but I wish even more that I could have a word or two (or three) with E's parents.

[getupgrrl]

Kateri, I'm really, really sorry. This is so wrong, on so many different levels.

[Monica]

I'm so sorry. I'm devastated on your behalf.

[Kristin H.]

I am so sorry, and sad for your loss and your children's. It seems so very wrong for them to do what they are doing -- & it burns me up!

[J]

Sad, sad, sad. I can't help but imagine the amazing potential relationship that E. and Naomi could have, and she seems to not understand that at all. Well, actually it seems more like she is absolutely terrified of that possibility. I can't imagine why. Why wouldn't that be good for BOTH of them? I feel like she's setting herself up for future resentment from E. by keeping this information and this person from her. If I found out as an adult that I had siblings that my parents didn't tell me about or didn't allow me to have contact with, I know I would be fascinated by those siblings and completely drawn to them and to finding out about them.

I wonder if she is so hurt by her son not being happy right now and not liking being adopted that she is trying to keep E. from you guys to protect herself. Like if E. spent time with you guys and really liked it, then she would feel like both of her children were unhappy being adopted and maybe she couldn't stand that.

Okay, sorry. No more armchair psychologist of a situation I know very little about. I just feel for you, and wish that there was a way to think through this issue and find the solution. Happy Birthday anyway! And buy yourself that gorgeous bag!

[J]

Sorry, just wanted to add that I can't help but notice the stark turnaround from your earlier phone call versus the letter. When you called, you caught her off guard and she was more candid, admitting that things had changed (and then providing a litany of excuses as to why), but still she seemed to know what you meant. Now she's saying that they followed the agreement to the letter and doesn't know why you're dissatisfied. Classic ass-covering behavior.

[Nancy]

Oh Kateri, I am so, so sorry. I feel the worst for E., as it sounds like her world is being artificially shaped in order to protect her brother. I feel for him, but she shouldn't be deprived of contact with her own birth siblings because of his bad situation. Making her world smaller is not going to expand his. This is horrible. They won't deprive you of visits though, will they?

Thank you so much for posting openly about being a birth mother. As a prospective adoptive mother myself I hate how everything is made so artificially rosy on the adoptive side.

In my job I visit Inuit communities in northern Canada where adoption is very common (and has been part of the culture for a long time) and it seems that half the people in any community are adopted. It's all open adoption, and it's non-threatening, every party has contact with each other and it's OK to spend time with both birth parents and adoptive parents, the kids will just go visit as they like. I have no doubt that it's healther than the way we do it, but we sure would have a lot of cultural barriers to overcome before open adoption becomes a part of the way we live, and more than something that some (definitely not all!) adoptive parents reluctantly agree to in order to score the child.

[Lisa V]

Oh Kateri, I am so, so sorry.

Is there still a social worker at your agency who can intervene on your behalf. Maybe a conversation and some literature on open adoption for E's parents ?

Now if it really is worst case scenerio and you only have rare contact and your children have none, that won't be forever. E will one day be an adult. I realize it is unthinkable to lose her childhood, but perhaps she will be more willing and open to a real relationship.

I have a friend who is a birthmom. Situation very similar to yours. Placed her daugther then later married the birthfather. They exchanged letters and pictures with their daughter's family for 12 years. No visits. Then when the daughter was 12 and the adoptive family found out they were having siblings they cut off all contact. Frances was devastated. Then last year, when their daughter was 19 she found them. They flew to her college in the east for a great visit. She has since come and met her 3 brothers and is delighted with this new branch to her family. The adoptive parents have come around, and have a nearly cordial relationship with Frances and her husband.

I know I am rambling, I know it's long. The situation sucks right now, but don't lose hope that it can one day be better.

[Beanie Baby]

You know, I posted a comment before, and the internet gods ate it. Curse them.

I am so sorry, so sorry, so sorry. I can't imagine what this is like. I don't know why they want to do this to you and, yes, to E, because whatever they think this WILL hurt her.

I am thinking of you. I wish I could do more.

And if the internet gods eat this one too, well....

[Kirsty]

I'm so very sorry for you all, it's clearly such a difficult and painful situation. And to get the letter on your birthday is the sort of sucker punch that no one needs.

I hope that one day E is going to find out how much you cared and how much you wanted to know her and how much you wanted her to know her siblings.

While I'm Pollyanna-ish enough to think that E's adoptive parents are probably think they're acting for the best and think that they are trying to protect both their kids, I think that being open with kids is almost always the best bet. It sounds to me as though they are also protecting their own emotions but it may well backfire on them in the long run.

I know it's not the same thing but I've always been totally open with my son about Andy, his biological father. Andy has no contact with either of us and only saw his son once when K was a tiny baby. I don't even know if he's alive, let alone whether K has any half siblings out there.

For us, being open has resulted in K being able to talk freely about his biological father whilst still having an amazing relationship with his step-dad, who's been in his life for 11 years. He's 13 now and has yet to get angry about it, although I keep expecting him to. Instead he will occasionally ask questions such as "do I look like him?" or "did he have a lot of body hair?".

I think he feels free to bring it because I've never made a big deal of it. It's never been a big secret, it's just always been the way things are. I make a big effort not to get upset when we talk about it and I think that helps a lot, he knows it isn't a taboo subject.

You asked a few posts back about how to talk to Naomi about E. One thing that I found very helpful was making a photo album for K that included pictures of Andy as well as K's baby pictures and pictures of the adults and kids who were involved with his life when he was small.

I wrote notes about who all the people were because I knew that he wouldn't remember some of them. So to him, the pictures of Andy are no different to the pictures of his childhood friends whom we've lost touch with after moving cities or the pictures of my Granny who died when he was about 3.

Perhaps you could do the same thing for Naomi and include pictures of E. You can write that you feel sad that you decided to give E to another family and wish that you'd been able to keep her but that at the time you didn't think you were ready to look after a baby but when you had Naomi you definitely were. You can get into more complex explanations as she gets older but I think it's a good idea to bring it up now when she's still young enough for it not to be a big shock. You don't have to write big complicated explanations but having the words and pictures there means that Naomi will be able to ask questions when she needs to.

I found that K would go through phases when he would ask about his biological father a lot and he'd often use the photo album as a way to bring the subject up. It often brought up emotions for me but I always tried to stay very matter of fact and calm about it and not getting into blaming Andy.

I think if it's presented in context with the rest of her life it will probably be easier for her to accept - that's been my experience anyway. Having the photos of her life in a book may also help Naomi to see that you are not going to give her away.

If you do decide to do this then I'd definitely recomend getting copies made of E's photos so that you aren't risking your only precious copies by giving them to your kid (K's photo album has a couple of pages that have been liberally scribbled on!)

Anyway, sorry for taking up so much space. I hope you find this idea helpful, if not feel free to ignore it. But if you want to talk about any of what I've written in more depth then please do email me.

[Chris]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[jessica]

Kate, I'm so sorry that had to come on your birthday! I hope you were able to have a nice time aside from the letter. It's so sad that E's parents are too threatened to allow her to have a relationship with Naomi (and the new baby). I hope they come around, soon, and make an effort to really explore all angles of the complex situation and really try to work out what's best for all the children involved. I have no clue what that would be, but it can't be this.

[Jamie]

I'm sorry, Kateri.

[Manuela]

Oh, Kateri... I am just sick to my stomache reading this post. I'm writing my comment before I read the others, so I apologize if I restate what others may already have said.

Firstly, I absolutely believe, in my gut, that the motivating factors in what E's adoptive parents describe as being damaging to E's siblings... has MUCH less to do with E and her siblings, as it does THEIR OWN FEARS. And this makes me so fucking angry. I don't care what the adoptive 'agreement' outlined... I just can't understand, ethically, morally, how adoptive parents just continue to operate in this fantasy vacuum where they have all the power to decide who gets access to whom. But yes... I know it happens every single day.

Actually... I'm going to have to step away from this comment for a bit... I need to digest this a little further otherwise I'll just get viciously angry... and you don't need that right now.

Kateri, I'm so so sorry this is unfolding the way it is. It absolutely breaks my heart and I so wish there were something I could say or do to make it better... trite, I know... but so true.

Here's hoping things will continue to evolve... but for the better...

[Christine]

If you ever want to email me privately, I would be happy to write a letter to E's parents ... from adoptive parents. Our adopted daughter has a brother that her birth mom is parenting. He and our kids all refer to one another as half brothers and sisters. We realize how vital those relationships are.

Sadly, E's parents are being selfish ... terribly, horribly selfish. They are not putting their daughter first, and are justifying their actions with reasons that don't hold water.

I also agree that you should involve your agency. Our agency would advocate in this type of situation.

I'm so very sorry. If I can ever be of help, let me know.