The Door Gently Closes?

This is the first draft of the letter we plan to send. Josh and I worked on it together: we went over and over the wording to make sure it covers both of our feelings. It has more teeth to it than my obsequious milquetoast letter (thank Josh for that), but not as much accusatory language as my primal scream of rage letter.

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Josh and I appreciate the sincerity of letter that you wrote to us. This was the intent of the phone call: to open the lines of communication between us so we are not taken by surprise by sudden changes in our interactions. I have felt for a long time like I wasn’t getting all the information I needed in order to know how to act. Now, at least, I know where you stand.

 
I have come to believe we had a difference in our expectations and priorities from the start. I remember very clearly the moment we all signed a statement of intention outlining a very basic structure for an open adoption, which included a stated number of visits and pictures per year. I remember saying something to the effect that we would never need to fall back on such a structure, since our relationship would be deeper than that. I was never fixated on a certain number of visits or letters. I thought our relationship had a friendly, open, family-like quality that would never require imposing a structure. I thought that feeling would last beyond the first year. I have since wondered whether I imagined this closeness, whether it ever existed at all. It was the change in the quality of the relationship that caught me off guard. I feel like we are an obligation to be managed, and you are obeying the letter of the agreement instead of the spirit of it, at least the spirit as we understood it at the time.

I thought we would be closer to being like extended family. According to what I was reading during the pre-placement period, this did not seem like an unreasonable expectation. I can see now that to expect this from you was unreasonable, given the protectiveness of your family.
Having kept one foot in the adoption world since placing E., I have seen open adoptions like what I envisioned. Full biological siblings and inequities in birthfamily between adoptive siblings certainly add layers of complications that we didn’t foresee. We fully understand how these complexities might change the dynamic, but this situation is not unique in open adoptions.

Not being familiar with the particulars, I trust you know the best way to handle the situation with J. He is always welcome to talk to me, if he has any questions about his birthmother. I may not be his birthmother, but I know many birthmothers and I may be able to shed some light on why she won’t respond to him.

The disappointment that the adoption did not turn out as I hoped has been a major factor in my grieving process. Settling for a facsimile of what I planned for has been very hard for me, since it calls into question the very foundation on which I made the decision to place E. at all. The fervent belief of mine that openness would serve E.’s best interest is the only thing that kept me from cutting off contact entirely. I am sorry that you do not share the philosophy that honesty is the best policy. My principles do not allow me to continue visits if the condition exists that I must hide my children from E. I am saddened that we hold this incompatibility of opinion. I, too, act in what I feel is the best interest of my family. I will not send the message to my children that they should be hidden away from anyone, that their influence is damaging. They have nothing to be ashamed of. We have nothing to hide.

I am disappointed that Naomi (and her future sibling) won’t know E. I feel for their loss, growing up without knowing their birthsister. I can accept this change in our relationship. We will continue to send E. our love on her birthday every year, and we will wait patiently for the time when she has questions for us, if such a time should ever come.

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I still have qualms about the ending. I'm not sure I want to throw down the gauntlet like that: E. sees us as a family or not at all. I want them to know that hiding my children from E. goes against my principles, but as it stands right now it sounds like an ultimatum. As hard as visits are for me, I still believe that E. should have us in her life. I wonder whether a letter, a picture (of our whole family) and a gift once a year on her birthday will be enough.

But when I think of going on a visit without my kids, I feel like I am sacrificing my principles to their insecurities, like I am admitting that my values aren't as important or valid as theirs. I am tired, tired, tired of that feeling. I am sick of being pushed around. But I don't want my anger and resentment to be the deciding factor in whether we continue visits. I want to do the right thing, for the right reason.

This letter will probably not be sent for a few weeks at least. Plenty of time to obsess over details.

Comments

[kristen]

i think, kate, that this letter is thoughtfully written and the ending is handled as gracefully and well as can be expected. i understand your concerns with the ending, but i think that's how it has to be - how could you hide naomi and her brother or sister? ultimatums are hard, but i think this one has to be.

[nate]

I've been a lurker for a while here. Not a birth mom or an adoptive mom--just a reader--I think I found you after a comment Grrl made about your troll. My heart aches for you right now.

I'm not going to give you advice (how could I?), but one thing struck me reading your letter (and your thoughts about whether a card etc. on her birthday would be enough). If you were to limit your contact to a mailed card, what would prevent E's parents from just withholding the card & present, to "protect" her and her brother? At least with the occasional visit, you're visibly there and can't be denied.

But you have to do what feels right for yourself and your family. So sorry you have to make this decision.

[Kristin H.]

That is a beautiful (and gutwrenching) letter. Your words so embody what open adoption means to me, and I am sad and mad that E's birthparents are not there with you. You are eloquent, diplomatic and sensitive, while also being honest and truthful about where you stand. I can't give any advice, really, the ending seems good to me, though I hear what you are saying. Good luck with working out the last kinks (if there are any).

[Jaci]

I don't understand their point of view. I feel that they are narrowminded and hurtful people to cut people who LOVE and CARE for a child out of the child's life. It's unthinkable that someone would want to deny love to a child.

I've been ready ing your blog for a while and I learn a lot from many of your posts...other posts rip my heart out when I read your pain.

I have a question, asked with respect to the situation, and out of adoption ignorance...how can they dictate if the child(ren) living with you can accompany you on visits if you have a legal agreement to a set amount of visits?

I do hope that this is resolved in a peaceable manner. You and your family are in my thoughts (and on my computer screen).

[Jaci]

Your blog is on my computer screen...d'oh.

[J]

The letter is very good. I know that this must be tremendously emotionally draining for you, and so I can easily understand why you want to explain to her exactly where you stand, throw down the gauntlet, so to speak, and know, once and for all, what their reaction will be and what you can expect from the future.

I am just thinking that if you are not sure you want to make an ultimatum just yet, you could try to view this as just the beginning of a new conversation. Basically, you made a phone call, and she replied in a letter. Even though in her letter she wouldn't validate your feelings and her language on the E./Naomi visitation issue sounds final, it's really not. Things have changed very much from when you placed E., and they will continue to change. E.'s relationship with J. will change over time. J.'s feelings about adoption will change. Their parenting philosophies will change as the kids grow up. You don't have to accept that this is their position forever.

In your letter, you explain really clearly what you were expecting and how you feel like it fell short, and how important it is for you (and the reasons why) you want to be able to include Naomi. Rather than giving her an ultimatum, "either Naomi comes with me on visits or I won't visit anymore" you could try asking her to work with you to think of solutions to this issue. Explain how much you want to continue to visit E., how you totally understand her desire to protect J's feelings, but how you are similarly concerned about Naomi's feelings.

The thing is, the ultimatum is probably EXACTLY what they want. It's the easiest way out. I'll be honest, I'm an attorney who has done divorce stuff (not adoption) so I am filtering your postings through my own experiences in divorce/custody related stuff (and also my own experiences as a child of divorce)--so you can take this with a grain of salt because maybe it doesn't translate well at all to the open adoption scenario, but her letter struck me as her putting a condition on you that she knew you wouldn't be willing to accept. That's what people do when they have a custodial agreement that they aren't happy with. They make life so difficult on the non-custodial parent that eventually the non-custodial parent gives up. Then the custodial parent can say "see, he never comes to visit the child anymore, he really didn't care about the child, just like I always thought." They create a self-fulfilling prophecy in their own minds, when really what they've done is just hurt the other person so much that the other person has retreated in self defense.

It would be much more difficult for her if you weren't willing to accept her "no" for an answer, but instead asked her to see your point of view, and try to think up ways that you both can deal with the situation. It may not lead to the results you desire, but it could lead to something better than a card and photo once a year. Maybe something along the lines of telling Naomi and E. about each other this year, with them not actually meeting until next year as a compromise? At that time, J. may be in a completely different state of mind, and it just wouldn't be the issue it is right now. I don't know enough about the facts to suggest alternative plans myself, but I just wonder what would happen if you essentially called her on her bluff and said, "Well, that just doesn't work for me, but E. and you guys, and this open adoption is so important to me that I really want to work together with you and come up with something that works for all of us." I just wonder what she would do?

[Manuela]

Kateri... I thought this letter was beautifully crafted, and I wasn't left feeling that you had laid out an ultimatum... BUT... after reading J's comment... I think he/she (?) makes a VERY valid point... and really got me thinking. They probably DO want an ultimatum... so I think J's idea of putting it back to them to help them come up with a solution is excellent.

[Dawn]

The letter is beautifully written and so hard to read. I like what J has to say, too, and hope that helps you make a decision -- either way -- about the ending. I still feel angry with E's parents. I know it doesn't help to hear that someone is typing away in Ohio mad as hell. (sigh) I wish that it did. Aside from the fact that they are blessed to be your daughter's parents, they were also blessed to have YOU and I'm sorry that they don't realize that.

[Beanie Baby]

I don't have any advice. I just want you to know that I believe that whatever you decide to do will be the right thing for you and your family. Good luck to all of you. And I'm STILL thinking of you. (When does saying that get stale?)

[Casey]

I'm really sorry you're going through this right now.

[Running2Ks]

I am so sorry that things have gone down this road for you. I keep hoping that they'll change their minds. Maybe this letter will help. I can see why you are hesitant about the ultimatum. I hope that you can find peace in whatever decision you make with the letter, and whatever ultimately comes of the relationship.

HUGS and support for you!

[J]

Hey, sorry to add more (my earlier post is long enough as it is!), but I just wanted to clarify that I sure hope my post didn't seem like I was trying to argue that you SHOULD continue to work with E.'s family.

I understand that keeping the situation up in the air and continuing to deal with them means keeping hope alive, which creates the potential for more hurt, more hopes dashed, more expectations unmet, more loss. And you've already been through so much. Many people would have given up long ago. So I just didn't want you to think I was trying to say that you really SHOULD do more. No guilt from me, whatever you decide, I promise! I think you are doing beautifully in an unimaginably painful situation. You have to take care of yourself and your family, and you know what's best.

[yankee transplant]

Oh, Kateri, I'm so sorry about all this. I would give the world to be able to have some interaction with my kids' birth parents. I'm trying not to judge C, but it is very difficult. You have my support. What you and Josh decide will be best for your family. Your letter is very powerful. Again, I'm so, so sorry that this is where you are right now. I wish things weren't so complicated.

[Adria]

I think your letter is beautifully written. I hope they're able to hear you and do what's best for E, not just them.

[jessica]

I think the letter is well written and states your point of view in a very mature, and unconfrontational way. I agree with the other commenters that said they're looking for an ultimatum. When I was reading the last part, I could see them breathing a guilty sigh of relief because 'they had no choice after the birthmother started giving ultimatums' I also agree with you in that I think there should be a lot more honesty upfront because the longer secrets are kept, the more painful it will be. I think J. is a flimsy excuse that they're trying to dress up.

I have a few questions. You might have answered them before, so please forgive my foggy memory.
Does E. know about Naomi? Or about the new baby on the way? I think it's important for her to know of their existences also and to be allowed to decide for herself what she'd like to do with that information. If you visit her now, she'd surely have questions about your pregnancy and I'm guessing that's the elephant in the room her parents are trying to avoid? And she'd probably wonder why she hadn't heard about Naomi yet (if she doesn't know about her).

Well, I can't pretend to have any insight into the situation, but I wanted to add that you've really opened my eyes to this side of adoption and I'm always impressed with how well you handle the situation.

[Jody]

Kateri, I'm so sorry this is happening. I read your whole blog not that long ago, and thought then (as I think now) that E's adoptive Mom is acting out of wild fear and insecurity. My guess would be that she's seeing J agonize over his lost birthmother and realizing that you could become similarly important to E when E reaches adolescence. She realizes how powerful and essential your whole family will be to E someday, and she looks to be doing everything in her power to block you.

Granted, I don't know C from Eve, and I have learned to loathe her from your blog (a powerful black-and-white reponse allowed to blog readers who don't deal in real-world situations), but I think she clearly sees your status as a direct threat to her. She DOES NOT see your role as complementary to hers: going through J's situation has awoken her long-standing latent ideas that there can only be "one mom" for her kids. And she's setting out to do whatever she can to guarantee her status as the one mom.

E's adoptive mom appears to believe that she's going to "lose" her daughter to you and your kids. "J's sibling relationship with E" strikes me as the biggest load of BS avoidance of the real issues EVER. The more that you and Josh build a family that includes a multi-role place for E, the more E's adoptive mom will be scared out of her mind.

She's already asked you to build your whole relationship with E on a lie, the lie of not being able to sign your letters to E with the word "Love." I'm sorry to be so utterly unhelpful, but What. A. Bitch.

Whatever benefit of the doubt I could give her (about protecting E from troubling adoption questions, about maintianing sibling peace within her family, etc.) pretty much flies out of the window when I consider the history of your relationship with C.

Whatever happens, I hope you fight your way through to some place of peace.

Jody

[afrindiemum]

As an adoptive mom, the situation with E's parents baffles me to no end.

A year ago Friday we entered into an open adoption with our daughter's birthparents and biological brother. We didn't sign any form that detailed exactly the way our relationship would go (the agency works on verbal agreements and allows everyone to build their relationship however it works best for them), but we talked about letters and photos and calls every month (from us) and we exchanged complete identifying information. The verbal agreement included talk about visits and how they could call us anytime they liked. We provided them with a phone card so that they could call when they wanted.

And we never heard from them. We wrote letters every month, sent photos, asked if we could visit, asked them to please, please call. We wanted (and still do want) them in our lives. We were able to speak with them four times in the past year. And then they stopped answering the phone and then the phone was out of service. And now we don't know quite how to proceed. So we keep sending monthly letters and try to see if we can locate a new phone number for them.

To see adoptive parents push their children's birthparents away just tears at my heart. I can only hope that someday my daughter's birthparents will turn a corner and want contact with us again. We miss them a lot.

I'm so sorry you're having to fight to see your birthdaughter.