Secret Keeper

With all this brain activity regarding siblings lately, it's inevitable that my mind would not turn to the future relationship between E. and my kids.

First, let me tell you what I always thought would happen. I thought that by the time I had my own kids, E. would just be a part of the fabric of our lives. Her story would unfold gradually, and by the time my kids were old enough to understand what happened, E. would be someone they knew and loved their whole lives, and it wouldn't be awkward for them to see her.

I thought it would happen seamlesslessly, like a kid who can't remember ever being told she was adopted, it was just something she always knew; it was never a secret. I thought that for Naomi & Co., having a birth-sister being a part of another family would be a simple fact of her life, nothing weird or secretive about it.

I hate secrets. If I had my way, people would never put on faces and make small talk and hide their flaws. Keeping this secret makes me feel like a hypocrite. But I can't find a way to tell Naomi in a way that she'll understand: Mommy made mistakes. Mommy couldn't keep E. Mommy loves you and is not going to give you away.

So I keep this secret.

We are approaching (and may already have reached) an age when she will remember being told for the rest of her life that her mother couldn't be counted on to care for a child at one point. I remember thinking my mother was all-powerful, knew everything, and would always be there, simply because she was my mother. How would a revelation like this have rocked my world? How will Naomi revisit this information when she is four, seven, ten, thirteen years old? How will my telling of it effect the way she colors it for years to come? I have to expect that her feelings will go through the endless permutations as she grows up, from pride to shame, confusion and insecurity, assigning blame and everything else. She will be an adult before she really understands why I did what I did. I don't even understand completely why I did what I did.

It's not like I can say, "I'm the dependable one. I'm the one that saved you. You're safe now", and all the things people say to explain adoption to adopted children. I don't get to be the hero in the story. I have to be able to explain adoption and say, "I'm the one that failed" in a way that doesn't make my kids lose faith in me.

I don't want my children to internalize the shame I feel. Naomi will grow up watching me deal with the infrequent and tension-laden visits, the struggle between love and boundaries, and the thin line I must walk. She will learn to walk that line as well. She will learn her place in the hierarchy of Whose Feelings Matter Most, and she will learn that she's not very high up the ladder.

Right now she knows nothing of it. I could continue to keep this secret, avoiding the complexities of explanation for as long as possible. When (and if) we have another visit I will rethink this. But what if we don't? When will I address it? How? In what context?

For the sake of this post I with I had some kind of a resolution. I can't pretend that I do. So I will end with a shameless beg for information: what happens to these children of birthmothers in open adoptions gone awry? Isn't there a book that addresses this? Is there a childrens book, maybe? I don't even know where to begin.

I'm sure I have another post in me about this topic. I have only scraped the surface about how I feel about this.

Comments

[Beanie Baby]

I have no wise words, but lots of sympathy. What a tough situation for you and your little people. I just don't know.

but you're right, someone has to. This can't be the first time it's come up.

[Chris]

I don't have any advice, just more sympathy.

Good luck.

[Chris]

Wait a minute, I *do* have a suggestion. If you email me with the sorts of things you would like to incorporate, I will write you a children's story to read to Naomi.

I can't illustrate it though, my talents do not extend to drawing.

[dawn]

Oh Kateri, I'm sorry you have to carry this burden with you. The only thing I can think to say is that emotions and relationships are fluid. You guys will have time to work through this -- it doesn't all have to happen right now.

[Running2Ks]

I'm sorry you have to hold this in. The only advice I'd have would be that you be the first to tell her, if she should ever be told.

I'm really sorry.

[Amber]

I am sorry you have to deal with this.

I think the idea of creating a book for your kids is great. The "experts" suggest that parents make a "life book" for adopted kids, I don't see why could couldn't make one for your children too. You could explain your choices and the current situation at a child's level.

I hope that doesn't come across as ass-vice.

[Aimee]

This is hard for me, too. I hate secrets. Ultimately, I chose to talk to Rebecca about her brother, and show her his photo, and try to talk to her about adoption. She was a few months older than Naomi is now when I started talking about it. There are books about adoption for children, so I checked some out, they were marginally helpful in explaining adoption, but I was afraid Rebecca would think I meant SHE was adopted. It's been confusing for Rebecca, I really have no idea what's in her head about it. She won't mention it for a long time and then she'll say she wants to get ready to go see her brother. Ultimately, I think I prefer this confusing, sometimes uncomfortable, time of her not understanding, but still knowing that she has a brother, to her not knowing at all and us having to face a time when she's older and I have to break this sort of story out.

[Moxie]

I wonder if Naomi will wonder if you can't take care of her. It seems to me that there are two ways a kid could think about this. One is that "Mama couldn't take care of E. so that means something about Mama (that she can't take care of me)," but the other ones is "Mama couldn't take care of E., but I'm different and she can take care of me." I'm thinking about the fact that in explaining the concept of adoption to my son in the context of two of his friends who are adopted I said that a lady had a baby but couldn't be that baby's mom, while another lady was a mom but didn't have a baby. My son thought about it, and it made sense, but it didn't have much to do with him because he wasn't in that situation. I think that if you tell Naomi about it sooner rather than later, it might not even occur to her that there's any similarity between her and E., so there won't be any fear on her part.

Or maybe I'm talking out my ass. What I do know is that I feel for you, and wish you strength in figuring this out.

[Jody]

Well, I'm probably going to (as Moxie put it) end up talking out my ass, but I feel just awful that you would write:

"It's not like I can say, "I'm the dependable one. I'm the one that saved you. You're safe now", and all the things people say to explain adoption to adopted children. I don't get to be the hero in the story. I have to be able to explain adoption and say, "I'm the one that failed" in a way that doesn't make my kids lose faith in me."

Kateri, it's so hard to know what to do with that, respectfully disagreeing without invalidating your feelings or condescending. I'm sorry in advance if I do that.

But from where I sit, you ARE a hero in this story. And you did NOT fail. I'm sorry that your adoption plan for E didn't work the way you wanted/planned, I'm sorry that it all sucks as much as it does right now. But you made that plan, and you did the hardest thing, believing that it was right for your daughter. You WERE dependable, and you DID act to preserve your daughter. The comparison you make -- that E's adoptive parents are the "good parents," and you are the "bad parent" -- that's just wrong. Anyone who tries to convince you of that is wrong.

I know you wish terribly that things were different, and maybe you even want to have made different choices sometimes (or all the time), but ... I don't know what to say. You are a heroic mother to E, dammit.

I don't have the faintest idea how you talk to Naomi about these things. I tend to agree with Moxie -- the kinds of logical inferences you imagine Naomi making aren't age-appropriate. You're her mom, and what happened/happens with E right NOW is something else entirely for Naomi. (What goes down in the teenage years is anyone's business, for everyone. Consider what's going on with E's older brother in terms of his absent birth mother, and the fear it's struck into the heart of E's adoptive mom. Now factor in Naomi and E and the future sibling all working through their own stuff. It should be an adventure.)

Whatever you choose, however you choose to handle this, I think it's clear from everything that you've written that it will be the right decision at the right time for your daughter and your family.

[Jody]

Oh, yeah: E's adoptive parents didn't SAVE her. They adopted her. It's not the same thing.

[karen]

Tell her the truth, and only when she is older.

For now, talk about Ellie as her birth sister so that it is no big surprise to her. Involve her in sending cards and presents on birthdays or Christmas etc. If she asks why Ellie is not living with you, tell her that Ellie has forever parents that she has to stay with. Tell her you are her forever parent and you will always stay with her, at least until she gets older and marries.

When she is old enough to understand about premarital sex, tell her you fell pregnant when you should not have been having sex or at least used birth control and was still a child yourself so you had to find parents who could parent Ellie.
When you had your other children you were older and married and able to be parents. Mention you wish you had had Ellie when you were older and married but you know that Ellie is happy with her parents and you are happy with the children you were meant to raise.

The end.