Comments to Comments

First, Jaci, I wish the agreement we made was legally binding. To my knowledge, there is not a single state that recognizes open adoption agreements as legally binding.

And nate, I would hate to think of them sinking so low as to hide our communications from E., but I know it's a possibility. Especially if I make a habit of slipping "objectionable" material (like a photo of our family, complete with a couple of kids who look just like her) in with her birthday gift. I hate to think that by taking ourselves out of her life as a flesh and blood presence, she will be getting only a warped, filtered, one sided view of who we are. They might even tell her that we didn't want to see her anymore. The thought of that makes me livid.

Jessica, to answer your question, E. has met Naomi. Twice. The first time, the waiter assumed they were sisters (they look very much alike), and made some remark like "what a cute pair of sisters" or something. The second time was about a year ago, and I got the distinct impression that E. was supposed to keep this visit a secret from J. Since then we've heard nothing, until I called them a few months ago, prompting this letter. I guess their idea is that "out of sight out of mind" would be sufficient to deal with E.'s "confusion" over not being able to "comprehend" her birth siblings. I am assuming they are not planning on telling her about this next baby.

What J said is pretty much my mother's position also. "This is a negotition," she told me. "Don't play all of your cards on the first hand of the game."

I think you are exactly right, J, about their negotiating tactic, creating conditions that make it impossible for us to continue so we remove ourselves from the picture and they don't have to feel guilty. But in their case, I think this is completely unconscious. As unbelievable as it is, I think they really don't expect me to have any objections to the way they want to do things. I think this letter will shock them no matter how I phrase the ending.

I think, after much thought and rereading of the comments to my last post, that I will leave the ending as it is. I know I have the option of saying something like, "this isn't going to work for me, how can we compromise so it works for both of us?" or something along those lines. It's an interesting angle that hadn't crossed my mind before and it definitely struck me as a good idea. I've tried rewriting the last part to incorporate more of a "work with me" attitude, but my heart's not in it. The words wouldn't come. I guess the fight has gone out of me. Leaving it with a little bit of an ultimatum edge feels more honest right now. They know I'm still here, for when E. needs me. They can comfort themselves that they are still the good guys, even though my implied accusations of dishonesty will probably sting.

Open adoption has created a new standard for Good Birthmothers. It used to be that a Good Birthmother was the one that never comes back. I'm supposed to be the New Good Birthmother, always understanding, always willing to defer to the judgement of the adoptive parents for the good of the child, always grateful for every crumb of respect that I'm thrown. I'm supposed to be endlessly available without ever venturing an opinion.

They think I'm a Good Birthmother. They like me because of that. They probably think I'm pretty approachable, for a birthmother. So far, I've done pretty much everything they've wanted me to do, and I've asked nothing of them that they hadn't already explicitly agreed to. Asking them to negotiate (as if I'm an equal!) feels rebellious. Issuing an ultimatum feels unbelievably bold. Standing up for my principles ("what? what business does she, the pregnant teenager, have acting like she has any moral fiber?") feels downright unnatural. If they think I'm a Good Birthmother, it's because that's the way I've been acting toward them for nearly 8 years. They have no reason to think I harbor any opinions of my own. This will be the first they hear of my opinions since the papers were signed.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that it all feels very good. Very therapeutic. I like treating myself like my opinions matter. I could get used to this.

Comments

[Lilian]

Wow, that's very deep, this analysis of the positions the Birthmother is supposed to take. (and it's very depressing too - it makes me ask questions such as: why are there open adoptions anyway if the adopters don't want the birthmother there and don't see her as a whole person?)

I think you're perfectly right, in a "groundbreaking" kind of way, and I wish that you could influence the way other Birthmothers see themselves as well as the way they're seen by the adopters, like starting a whole new revolution, with this blog, but, unfortunately I guess that's a little bit "too optimistic" for me to wish.

And by all means, *do* go ahead and get used to treating yourself like your opinions do matter :)

[J]

Kateri, you are amazing and strong. The fact that you are able to look objectively at what they are thinking and feeling (it is easy for us, your loyal readers, to villify them but you know them better and are able to be compassionate toward them in a way that is remarkable to me), and think through your own emotions with such clarity, sit with your decision for a while, and ultimately feel good about what you've decided shows your true grace. Whatever their response, know that we will be with you and wishing for the best.

[Running2Ks]

You give such a deep perspective of the "good birthmother" that I wasn't aware of.

You are an equal partner in this arrangement. While they are now primary parents, they wouldn't be the parents they are without your contributions (in the person you gave them, and in your communications).

I hope they understand that. And I hope you find a way to convey what you need to--and be ok with the outcome!

[Kirsty]

I wonder how much of this situation is to do with them still putting you mentally in that "teenage mother" box?

It's been 8 years and you've clearly moved on and grown from the brave teenager you were into the wonderfully strong woman you are now. It sounds to me as though they really aren't seeing that change. I hope that your excellent letter may shock them into realising that actually you are an equal.

It's so heartening to hear this new sense of power, clarity and confidence in your voice.

[Manuela]

Continuing to offer you my long-distance e-support... Whatever you do, it will be the right thing...

[Toni]

Kateri:

I don't want to offer advice, (esp. since you don't seem to be asking for any), just sympathy that you're going through this. My hope is that it works out better than you'd imagined.

Your remarks about birthmothers made me think of my relationships with my kids' grandmothers; they can offer input but ultimately, I have the final say. And I've always wondered how frustrating that might be for them. Like if my boys' wives decide to parent radically differently from me, etc. Anyway, I'd not thought of that in terms of the birth mother/adoptive mother relationship before. You're one insightful person, and I wish you and your entire family all the best.

[Adria]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling empowered by the letter (which I like BTW). The whole adoption thing is so complex, so depressing at times, so not-the-way-anyone-wants-it-to-be, that it's utterly exhausting, and I'm only halfway through the process.

As a potential adoptive parent, it's really good to read your side of things. I'm glad your making yourself heard. I'm sorry that you are dealing with everything they've laid at your doorstep.