Mother Talk

How much fun was this?

Lots!

Miriam Peskowitz spoke about her book, The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars. Thirty-some mothers in attendance spoke about their own experience with the difficulties of work/family balance.

I was struck by a few things: in the capitalist ecomonic climate most companies are functioning in, mothers are very small players. In the individualist culture of "every man for himself", why should an employer bend over backward to accomodate the seasons of motherhood when there are other, childless (child-free?) workers who don't have such extra-curricular obligations? That's the problem with benefits for mothers: someone has to pay for them. Mothers aren't good for the bottom line. And the bottom line is what matters.

I remember an Ally McBeal episode where Portia diRossi's character asks why she should be expected to pick up the slack for a mother who takes a leave of absence or works part-time, when she herself has foregone children for her career. Why should her progress be held back because of another woman's choices? I wonder how many people ask the same thing, "why should my money and my time go to subsidize someone else's choices?"

It highlights what's missing in this culture, and in this country especially. There is no sense of shared responsibility for the children who will make up the next generation. Children are a luxury, a hobby, a lifestyle choice made by an individual. That individual is considered lucky to get any accomodation at all, much less paid leave and job security. Who pays, in the end? Mothers do: financially, professionally, and emotionally. Until the focus shifts from the welfare of the individual to the welfare of the community, change will be hard to come by.

I didn't say anything all evening because as a stay-at-home mother who never even considered for a moment going back to work, I thought that this discussion didn't really apply to me. But then I remembered that I did make these choices, and I live with the consequences. I decided early on, before I even had a child of my own, that I could not do both. It would be too hard. Rather than invest time an effort into a career that I would stop cold when I had a baby, I spun my wheels in retail and temping until Josh got a job with decent health insurance.

This assumption seemed logical at the time, given what I knew about the demands of balancing work and babies, but now I see that I waved the white flag of motherhood before I'd even started. It makes me sad, that I had such a defeatist attitude about the position of mothers in our culture. And it scares me that I have put myself in an impossible position financially if, god forbid, I were to ever be on my own again.

Comments

[Beanie Baby]

I agree. I think that's one of the reasons we have mat leave and health care, and the US doesn't--the idea that we are responsible for other people is just kind of a given here. People who complain about it are mostly seen as crackpots.

Although, IMO, it isn't enough here either--we have the mat leave, but once you go back to work you are essentially expected to function like a childless worker again.

[Deanna]

I think it's sad that you feel you have waved a "white flag" to motherhood. I recently quit a extremely high paying, work-from-home position because I knew that even working from home, I woudn't be dedicating myself to the most important job of my life, mothering and raising children. Now I'm spinning my wheels with my photography business while I wait for an adoption to happen. I'm not sad about leaving a real job, I'm proud of my decision to choose raising children full time versus part time. I think you should be extremely proud of the decisions you have made.

[Kateri]

It's not that I'm not proud of my choice, it's that it's sad that people have to make these choices at all, and that these choices have to be so black and white.

[Marla]

This is brilliantly written, and I wish I wasn't so tired tonight, because it's given me a lot to chew on.