Do it my way, or suffer my scorn!

There's been much discussion about differences in parenting style all over the net this week. I've been so busy with that, ahem, other business that I haven't been able to find the time to post about it.

My opinions on parenting are rather strong. While I don't identify myself as AP anymore (not because I don't fit the stereotype (because I do), more because I think it's divisive), I still am passionate about breastfeeding, babywearing, and to a lesser extent, cosleeping.

I struggled for a long time walking the line between advocacy and being judgemental. In some areas of parenting, advocacy can just be a pretty word for prosletyzing. Especially in my babywearing venture. It disturbed me to see people who had hired me on the street apologizing for using a stroller. I meant to give them a tool, not take one away. Stollers are just as useful as slings. I've managed to strike a balance in my sessions where I only talk about the slings themselves, not how they will fix your baby or make you a better mother. My job is to find a sling to fit the needs of the mother and her baby, because I wish there was somebody like that to help me when I was a eager but hapless sling dummy.

As much as I can spout off evidence of  "my way's the best way", I realize that I only do the things I do because they were easier for me. Why didn't I use bottles? Because I'm a slob and sterilizing bottles just isn't for me. Why did I wear Naomi almost exclusively from 5 months to 20 months? I liked to not have to worry about her fussing in the stroller, I need to take the bus sometimes, and I like shopping for slings.  (There are a lot of talented sling designers out there. Think you can't find a comfortable sling? Think again. There's one for everyone. There are hundreds now. I "only" personally own about thirty. Don't feel like spending the time and money to find the perfect one? I can't blame you for that.)

Conversely, why didn't I cloth diaper, even though I like the idea? Same reason I didn't like bottles. I'm a slob. Unless I want a towering pile of baby shit in my laundry room, I won't be cloth diapering. Also, I like to shop, and believe me, I don't need another thing to obsessively shop for. Slings are enough.

So I'm over claiming any kind of moral superiority over people who CIO or use daycare or whatever. People do the things that work for them. I found the things that fit my personality and my lifestyle, and I crafted my maternal philosophy around them. My philosophy fits me, and it doesn't have to fit anyone else. The zeal of the converted has finally worn off.

Comments

[Amy]

I am a new reader to your blog. I am a mom of 2 who has never used a sling (I used a "snuggly" with my newborns), and who used CIO. I must admit, I am hooked. You do not try to force your views, but you state your reasons. I also am very intrigued by what you have to say about adoption. I think adoption is wonderful, but have never thought about a birthmother's perspective before reading your blog. Keep writing, and best of luck with your new baby!

[LisaV]

I co-slept for limited times with all my kids, but the last. We waited until they seemed to want space from us, and moved them to bed right next to ours. Eventually-they all ended up in cribs. Daughter #2 was a total sling baby. She loved it. The others would have nothing to do with the sling and just wanted to be held. So I did. I made many a dinner with a baby on my hip or shoulder. My eldest daughter was exclusively bottle fed. She never held the bottle and I tried to make it so it was always Bert or I feeding her so she got that one on one time she was missing by not being nursed. My next two daughters never had one bottle.
I've used modified CIO, usually hanging out in the hall, going in and patting every 5 to 10 minutes. Still, it's what worked for me, not for everyone. I think when they are little all this stuff seems so important, and now, it seems less so. I worry about learning multiplication tables and how big of impact standardized test have on education. It's like this whole cycle you move through as a mom. I am sure drugs and sex will be on my mind in the next couple of years. Ramble, ramble, ramble. Basically I think that motherhood and how you approach it constantly change. You have a great perspective to deal with that.

[-Blue]

Hello! I wandered over from Grrl's.

You have sound ideas. I find the concept of those who preach their own parenting styles to be amusing. I mean, why does it matter? Breast may be best but no one's ever died from Similac that I know of, lol.

To me it'd be like passers by leaping from their cars to berate you on your shrub-trimming or lack of weeding or choice of fertilizer.

I guess the only thing that really irritates me about those so eager to ...erm, SHARE is their assuption that if I do some things I'll do others (cloth diaper, make own babyfood, you MUST homeschool, etc) and are flabbergasted when i don't. Stereotyping, lol!

-Blue

[Cari]

Kateri,

I'm so with you... and so proud of you for stating your feelings in such an eloquent way.

For the same reasons, I have stopped volunteering with a well known national breastfeeding advocacy group (I'll let you figure that one out :-). I found the other people I worked with to be so judgmental and divisive. Those attitudes can be so hurtful to someone who really needs help or doesn't understand.

My goal now is to support my fellow mamas, regardless of the choices they make (as long as they aren't outright abusing their children). Hopefully, we can make changes one mama at a time... without judging her or being hurtful.

[Running2Ks]

My first daughter started life as a sling baby. But as she remained in the 95% for her first year in size, it got difficult for me. However, my second child spent the first 16 months of her life in a Baby Bjorn--she is 2 1/2 and a mere 24 lbs despite eating like a trucker. Anyway, a lot of people have labeled me AP, and I maintain that I parent in a loving way with "whatever works". Each child and family situation is different. Oh, and for moms wanting to shower with baby, there are shower slings too.

[Corrine]

Hi. I came over via Chez Miscarriage and really liked your post. It's hard to not be taken over by others' judgements when you're a parent.

When I was pregnant I vowed to do a completely natural birth. 14 hours into labor, I tore up the birth plan, demanded drugs, and enjoyed the rest of my baby's birth. I had two slings, but once my daughter was born and hated being swaddled and held tight, I switched to strollers so she could flail her arms about and kick as she pleased. I vowed to breastfeed, but 4 months into it, she couldn't eat and I couldn't hold up my 34F breasts so we switched to bottles. Yet, no matter what I was doing, there were times when an excuse or explanation was needed to prove my worthiness as a mother.

Unless we really see or know of somebody hurting their children, why do we care? I wonder if people ever stop to ask themselves that question, "why do I care if her baby's in a sling, on a teather, or getting her feet messy in the mud??" The follow up question should be, "if I butt in, what's the liekly outcome?"

[Madeleine Robins]

Brava.

It comes down to this: if you want to spend your time interacting with your child, you find ways to cut out the noise. I used a Baby Bjorn with both my kids because it kept my hands free to deal with carrying grocery bags and digging for exact change on the bus (living in NYC) until they got big enough that we threatened to topple over on passing Little Old Ladies. When we took to a stroller I wanted the lightest, least SUV-like stroller I could find, for the easiest loading onto buses (and so I wouldn't run over Little Old Ladies). I breast fed one child until she was 13 months old, when she lost interest; second child got bored with the whole thing at 9 months and I wasn't going to force myself on her. One kid loved cloth diapers, the second wouldn't tolerate them, and--again--I wasn't going to force her into rashy misery just because I liked the idea (and no, I really didn't miss the stinkiness, either). I made babyfood for the girls and froze it--not because I am the "nothing but purity for my baby" type, but because it turned out to be cheaper and easier for me than carting jars around. Because really, what I wanted to do was hang with the kids and find out about them. They are now (ulp) fifteen and nine, and fine humans. I don't know how much of that has anything to do with how they were fed, diapered, or moved around; I think a lot of it has to do with the people they were at birth, so I'm glad most of my energy went into cultivating their acquaintance rather than trying to make their childhood "correct."

Everyone finds their own best way; sounds like you've found yours. I say again: Brava.

[kristin]

Kateri, it is a joy to have found your blog. I am not a mom yet, but the divisiveness that I have seen online lately about all these parenting issues is really saddening. I believe that it is fine (and completely human!) to have strong opinions about such personal issues that come about with raising children, but to think that one way is right for ALL parents or kids is silly and wrong. As a educator of young children, I have always tried to teach tolerance and understanding on all sorts of issues, and it is frustrating to see so many parents who are downright nasty when it comes to people who have a different parenting style (or family structure) than their own.

On another note, I am so sorry about the recent hateful comments here lately and am really proud of how you are handling it! Your experiences and feelings are real, your honesty is refreshing, and you have every right to put them into words here on your blog. I am hoping to become an adoptive parent in the near future, and am very interested in learning more about the birth mother/family perspective, and how to promote a better understanding of their incredible role (and the burden of loss they are so often forced to carry). Thank you for sharing that article about pre-placement matching, it is something I have been thinking about quite a bit. I don't know how I feel about the issue, myself....its seems like such a tricky one.

I look forward to getting to know you and your story better through this blog. You are a great writer, keep it up!

[julie]

Well you know I love your blog since it was one of the first to go on my blog roll.
What is it with mothers and the wank that spews from discussions about parenting choices? It is amazing to me that a post about letting a kid CIO for 10 min after a short 45 min nap could generate over 300 comments!
Or the ugly, nasty, foul troll you got becasue you wrote about adoption from the point of view of a Birth Mother.
~gah~
I used a sling around the house and a stroller (a small one, not those huge SUV kind and never used it in tight places like festivals and such) out in public. I used cloth diapers at home and disposable in public. We nursed everywhere and I wish to God I had known about family beds 13 years ago.
You do what you do and learn to never say never.

[Monica]

I'm about to have my first, and I've been following all of the CIO/AP/etc stuff online. I can understand why people get so defensive about their parenting techniques--regardless of what you plan to do, there will be SOMEONE who will heap scorn on it. But that being said...for me, the most important thing is to try to remember to be flexible. Sure...right now I want to cosleep and breastfeed and wear her in a sling...but if for whatever reason none of those works out for us? I'll still love her, and we'll figure it out as a family.

[Tertia]

well said.