Note To Self

Next time you choose to sit for three days straight in a hard-ass chair in a windowless room with 90 strangers, make sure you're not pregnant. And eat some fiber, for crying out loud. Or maybe a laxative. Or something. You might end up like her.

What would have made me, in my delicate condition, do such a thing?

How about the possibility of transformation? Sounds worth it, doesn't it?

I have been stealing a few hours a week to go to Landmark Education for almost a year. It feels like my guilty pleasure, my little secret, kind of like eating Fruit Roll Ups in the middle of the night, except this is actually good for you.

Have you ever held a stranger's gaze for longer than it takes to be noticed and cast your eyes away? Have you ever held their gaze long enough to see their beauty, their pain, their miraculous humanity? Can you imagine a whole room full of people basking in the love that happens when you take down the barriers and really look at each other?

The closest thing I could think of was the experience I had the first time I did Ecstasy, except this was so much more pure. No smoky club, no shady drug dealer, no profuse sweat, no mauled pacifiers, no Vick's Vaporub. And no week-long hangover. This was just Oneness with people. It was the most profound thing I have ever experienced.

I just completed the advanced course this weekend. Since doing the forum last summer, I have been struggling to keep my intellectual distance. I hate being taken advantage of, and I hate being seen as a person who gets sucked into weird, cultlike things. I guess you could say that this weekend I have finally become a full convert. Intellectual distance has gotten me nowhere. Would it be so horrible to actually believe in something with my whole heart? What I witnessed in that windowless room this weekend was no magician's trick. It was not smoke and mirrors. It was love. It was openess. It was more real than anything I have ever seen. It was the sound and sight of people changing in ways they never thought they could. If only the whole world could be this way. If only.

The whole world will never change as long as hold on to my own fears of looking bad in front of people, as long as I don't share the fascinating experience I had.

I have grown a lot over this year. After doing two seminars my progress was slow and steady but nothing miraculous. It was like really effective weekly therapy. I have written about some of the insights that have come directly from my experience at Landmark. But this weekend has blown me wide open. I feel like a completely different person.

Today I called C. I only got their machine, but I had something I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her that I'm sorry for the part I played in our lovely open adoption descending into awkwardness and pain. I didn't call when I said I would, I didn't send things I said I would send. I withdrew my effort and passion from the relationship. I didn't give her credit for the good she's done and the tough decisions she faces. I harbored resentment about how things turned out, and I refused to take any responsibility for my own actions. I preferred to play the relatively simple part of the victim. For the future, I want us to have an easy relationship, free from awkwardness or fear. How often E. sees us is irrelevant; I want C. to know that she has my complete confidence to make the best decisions she can about our visits, weighing the needs of both of her kids.

I hope she calls me back soon.

Right now, I am high on love.

Landmark is worth Every. Fucking. Penny.

Comments

[Andrea]

I'm glad you have something that brings meaning and goodness into your life. That's what counts, right?

[Lucy]

I'm really glad I followed Andrea's link here. My brother has been doing Landmark courses for over a year too and trying to convince the rest of my family to go. I've been worried that it is too cultish and changing his personality (also our past relationship makes me reluctant to take his advice) but I finally agreed to do the course in August. I'm still worried about either being too cynical and not getting anything out of it, or it being too pushy for me, but it's good to hear about someone else's good experience. Thanks :)