Part of me is all wrapped up in whether or not I’m pregnant. It’s like a black hole in my brain. It’s not something I conciously think about, but there it is sucking all the energy up.
I actually took a pregnancy test today, and an O test, just to make sure I ovulated. And I took both tests in the middle of the afternoon. I rationalized it by saying that if I were carrying a multiple pregnancy I could test positive at 8 dpo, and wouldn’t it be nice to have that heads up that there might be more than one baby in there.
So I tested in the afternoon of my 8th day past ovulation. Dumbass. I’m on the merry-go-round now. I’ll keep testing every day until I get an unequivical positive or I start to bleed. Speaking of bleeding, I should be doing that any day now, since my LP tends to be so short. One month was only 7 days, I think. So technically, I’m late. I feel twinges of business down there but I have no idea whether it pertains to the coming flood or the coming baby. My body chemisty has changed significantly since my last period-I’ve been low carbing all month and that tend to straighten things out down there. I’m much less PMS-y and symptomatic. Usually my nipples are so irritated during my LP that nursing is a real chore and I avoid it as much as possible. This time I’ve had some twinges but nothing horrible. I also haven’t blown any fuses at Josh. That’s a huge thing.
I will be thrilled and surprised to be pregnant, if we are. Surprised, because we made love once in the fertile period and it wasn’t a very fruitful load, so he said. So the odds are stacked against us. But I’m the girl who could convince herself to buy pregnancy tests while she had an IUD inserted (had one about five years ago). I’ve gotten pregnant with condoms and on the pill. Why would an IUD be any impediment? Unless there was simply no sex that cycle, I stressed about being pregnant to the tune of 2-6 tests a month.
It’s an expensive habit.
Eventually I found this place, where you can buy tests in bulk for 99 cents each. I can’t even begin to quantify how many of their sticks I peed on this year.
I just bought a new combination pack of tests for my upcoming “try” for a baby. If I’m pregnant this cycle I’ll wait until the first trimester is over before I sell them. I would highly doubt my pregnancy making it past the 5-7 week stage because of how my luteal phases have been. I don’t want to sell my tests prematurely.
If I get pregnant this month, I’ll feel that familiar fertile guilt. Why should it be so easy for me when it’s so hard for others? I’ll feel bad telling people I know who’ve been trying for a long time. Most of the moms in Naomi’s playgroup are in fertility treatment. I am actually in the minority, being one of the only never to have been in fertility treatment. It’s a little embarrassing to get pregnant so easily.
In other body related news, my diet has been going passably. I am losing weight very slowly. Until today I have been in ketosis the whole time. I haven’t cheated. I’ve started eating more artificial sweetners and that might explain the negative keto tests today. I wonder whether my cycle has anything to do with my keto tests…what if I’ve stopped burning fat because I’m pregnant?
See? Everything comes back to The Question. I’ll know in a week, at the most. And I would feel a little cheated if we were pregnant his cycle. It’s so sudden and I’ve had to do a fair amount of metal fidgeting to get completely comfortable with getting pregnant right now. I’d like to have a little more time to get used to the idea, maybe temp and chart correctly for once, avail myself of ovualtion prediction tests correctly for the first time, have some hot baby-making sex, get a little more use out of my Diva Cup, lose a little more weight. Among other things.
I’m having a little stage fright with my blog. After the first random commenters I’m getting intimidated. Writing for an audience and all.
I’ve been tired all day. I should really go to bed.
Tomorrow I have the morning to myself. I think I may sit in a coffeehouse with my notebook and pen. It’s been so long since I’ve done that. I cold stay uptown and go to Cosi or B&N, or I could head down to the Last Drop for old times sake.
I feel my life going by faster and faster. The last three years only seems half as long as the three years before it. I know that it picks up speed as you get older. That’s what everyone says. It makes me see the uselessness of hesitation. Why hesitate when your time is getting shorter every day?
I often thought of my pregnancy with Naomi was what I used to heal myself back to equilibrium. then this one will bring me into fufilling my potential. This time will be the time I test my true limits in labor and childcare. This will probably be the hardest transition of my life. I have to be fearless. I have to believe I'm big enough to handle it.
But it’s the right time. The more I think about it, the more I believe that this is the right time. I hope I’m pregnant now because I want to get the show on the road. I’d love another October baby.
For the next baby/pregnancy, I want to get:
Carseat on wheels thing
Cool nursing clothes, shirts, ect for nursing in the sling all the time
Pretty, inexpensive maternity shirts from H&M, Old Navy ect. I will NOT go everywhere in the same black t-shirt this time!
Baby Einstein Gymini
Siblings Without Rivalry